Mother, Nicolas Cage and I were walking through a subdivision with gi-normous old houses that resembled churches, all big and brick and with spyres and such, and we stop at this old lady's for whatever reason (with Mother in the dream, probably because it looked the most churchlike). So we're invited in, and this creepy butler wearing a old-timey nightgown and hat takes our shoes, and we go upstairs to the old lady's room, which was all, like, pink, blue and white tile and more like a hospital room than a bedroom befitting a palatial estate. Next thing I know? Nic is wrapped in light blue vinyl trying to hump me. And worse? He's trying to spread what I can only think was a lubricant that looked like ejaculate all over his wiener AND me.

It was at that point I forced myself to wake up, because I was slightly creeped out. Oh, and I don't remember anything outstanding about Nicolas Cage's wiener, so I'm guessing it's average.
Oh, whatEVER.

You are Barefoot! You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girl You can't be restricted by shoes for very long And unsuprisingly, the same goes for men Your match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

[Courtesy of Zoot, of course.]
Oh, whatEVER.

1. I've been told that, when giving blow jobs, I can "suck the chrome off a Mack Truck."
2. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing.
3. When I was a junior in high school, this dude told me I had "the reddest blood he's ever seen."
4. It was during a blood drive, and he had a crush on me.
5. It was the most unusual compliment I've ever received, bar none.
6. I've worn glasses since I was eight.
7. They're kind of like my signature look now, as in, people don't recognize me without them.
8. That's why I like wearing my contacts.
9. I don't wear them often, though, because they bug.
10. Lots of things bug my eyes.
11. By the end of the night, it's guaranteed that I'll be looking for a napkin or Kleenex or wipey rag of some sort to get the crap out of them.
12. I'm sure it's an allergy, although I don't know to what.
13. I AM allergic to soybeans, though, or used to be when I was a kid.
14. Sodium, too. And grapes and raisins and tuna.
15. I love me some grapes, raisins and tuna, but not at the same time.
16. Of course, I've never tried them at the same time, either, so maybe I would like it.
17. I've been dyeing my hair since I was 16.
18. I really don't know what my natural color is now, but it used to be a gorgeous dark brown.
19. I do know it's about 40 percent gray now, around the sides and on the top, just like a dude's.
20. I started going gray in my early 20's.
21. I'm quite sure I'll never be so proud of my gray that I'll just let it go natural.
22. That's because I'm extremely vain about my hair.
23. Not so much other things, though.
24. For example, I'm lucky to wear make-up once or twice a month, tops.
25. I wonder if that's because I started wearing make-up when I was 12.
26. More likely, it's just because I'm damn lazy like that.
27. But I am fascinated with looking at myself in the mirror.
28. I was born in early February, making me an Aquarian.
29. Aquarians are described as absent-minded and aloof.
30. I'll cop to both of those.
31. But I have an Aries rising, which makes me self-absorbed sometimes.
32. I also have a Capricorn moon, which makes me fiercely loyal to those I love.
33. NO ONE remembers what day my birthday is. NO ONE.
34. My brother was born six years and 7 days after me.
35. If you imagine me as a gorgeous gay man, you know what my brother looks like.
36. My sister and I don't look a lot alike, though.
37. We don�t act alike, either, because she�s perpetually bitter and angry, and I�m not.Friends say my darling little niece is my spitting image, but I say she's MUCH cuter than I ever was.
38. I do have a quite a temper when provoked.
39. People have told me they don't like being on the ass-end of my ire.
40. I apparently can be particularly vicious when I'm drunk.
41. I have trouble saying the word "particularly" in normal conversation.
42. I have no trouble swearing, though. A LOT.
43. So much so that Mother is used to me dropping the f-bomb.
44. I have to watch that when I'm interviewing people.
45. I have an extremely laid-back style of interviewing.
46. That's why I never made a good customer-service wonk: Too informal, I am.
47. I find people open up to me more if I just do what I do.
48. I CAN rein it in if I have to; it's just not intuitive to me.
49. Although I'm sure it happens in some alternative universe, I don't make a lot of money being a free-lancer.
50. But I have an awful lot of free time that I wouldn't trade for the world.
51. In fact, if I can help it, I will NEVER put myself in an office environment again.
52. Too much anxiety comes with office environments for me.
53. Yeah, I'm medicated for my anxiety. Depression, too. Got a problem with that?
54. I can't relate to people who say they feel "flatlined" while take meds, because I've never felt that way.
55. I rather welcome my emotions being nicely intact, thankyouverymuch.
56. Luckily, my sex drive's not affected, either.
57. I was 15 when I lost my virginity.
58. It was in a 1980 Mustang, and not one of the cool-looking ones, either.
59. The dude was 21.
60. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I'd definitely wait a little longer before I did it.
61. Not sure I'd change the dude, though, even though when I look back on it, I'm, like, ew.
62. For all my bravado and smack-talk about sex, I'm still well under 20 partners in 18 years of sexual activity.
63. I'm kind of a serial monogamist when it comes to sex.
64. That's not to say I didn't have fun in my day.
65. The youngest dude I ever slept with was 15.
66. I was 19.
67. Uh, yeeeeeah, I was drunk.
68. Then, when I ran into the dude a few months later, I for some reason thought it would be cool to do him again.
69. I wasn't drunk that time.
70. It didn't improve.
71. I didn't move out of my parents' until I was 28.
72. It was financial reasons, mostly, but part of it was because Dad didn't really know how to handle Mother's clinical depression.
73. I was adopted when I was two-months old.
74. My biological mother found me when I was 28.
75. It hasn't been a good reunion � that�s why I call her �BFKAS� or �egg donor.�We had a rough start and didn't talk for several years, but we're doing great now.
76. Wouldn't change the experience for the world, however., even if I would change her.
77. My heritage is Polish and Croatian on my maternal side, and unknown on the sperm donor�s side. full-blooded Macedonian on the sperm donor's side.
78. I don�t know who the sperm donor is, because SHE doesn�t know. Yes, I've met my sperm donor. First thing I said to bio-Mom after meeting him: "Well, I'm glad I didn't inherit his teeth," as he HAS NONE IN THE FRONT.
79. So far, it�s been narrowed down to three men.Two men other than the sperm donor were listed on my paperwork because bio-Mom didn't want the sperm donor to have any claim to me. Wise decision on her part.
80. Honestly, it's not that big a deal, because I had a great man for a dad that I wouldn't have traded for anything.
81. I suppose it would be kind of cool to know if I have other siblings, though.I DO have another sibling -- a sister, who's 11 years younger than me. She and I tried to have a relationship, but that lasted about 6 months. We don't speak now.
82. I was raised as an only child.
83. Because of that, it's kind of hard for me to wrap my head around familial relationships.
84. We weren't real touchy-feely when I was growing up.
85. I really don't like people touching me unless I know they're going to do it.
86. It gives me the heebs.
87. I have a high tolerance for pain.
88. I don't have any unusual piercings, though, nor do I have any tattoos.
89. I was reading at age 3.
90. I was in a gifted program in grade school.
91. I used to be the third tallest girl in my grade.
92. Then I stopped growing when I was 12.
93. People think I'm taller than I actually am.
94. When I'm not in tie-dyes and yoga pants, I'm actually a good dresser.
95. If I had to describe my "type," it would be a blue-collar dude with an amazing brain.
96. I don't see myself ever moving from NWI, even if I won the lottery.
97. I'd have a lot of cribs in other places, though.
98. I'd have a lot more shoes, too.
99. And purses.
100. But mostly shoes.

Oh, whatEVER.

Background: Dad died from end-stage non-Hodgkin's lymphoma that had gotten into his spinal cord and ended up eating his brain within about a month's time. (This, of course, was after he'd been declared in remission, but that's another story.) Anyway, my first thought was to get a second opinion, especially since the doctor who was treating Dad CLEARLY missed the cancer's spread, but Mother had already decided that that was it for him, because they apparently had talked, and he said no heroic measures.

Now, I'm definitely of the opinion that if someone is terminal, they should have the right to die the way they choose, no matter what that choice is. And I'm quite sure that when it came down to it, Dad wouldn't have wanted any heroic measures to prolong his life. But believe me when I tell you this: When someone you love is most likely going to die, there is NOTHING -- and I repeat, NOTHING -- you will not try to prolong their life, even if it's just for a little while. In Dad's case, the chemo the second doctor suggested, if it worked, would've given him no longer than a year. But it most likely would've allowed him to eat; at that point, the cancer was sitting on his throat muscles, and he was starving to death because he couldn't swallow. Whether he'd have gotten his mind back wasn't a done deal, but still, it was something. And, if the first treatment didn't help, I was perfectly willing to say "All right, we tried," but I felt we needed to give Dad that one last chance. And he thought so, too, because a few days before that first treatment, I asked him if he wanted to at least try, and if he didn't, I'd understand.

Of course, wracked with her own grief, Mother fought me for a week on the whole thing, worried about how she would pay for something that wasn't going to help and so on and so forth, and in the end she was right, because after that first chemo, he started slipping into a coma. So I wonder how it is that he told her he wished I won't do to her what I was doing to him if he didn't even know his own name ...
Oh, whatEVER.

The reason we covered it at all is because MTV filmed an episode of "Prom Date" featuring the school. And for the most part, except for the bad Destiny's Child knock-offs (thankfully, there were only three of them, and darlings? You weren't all that. You weren't ANY of that), the kids looked fresh and ... like kids. Personally, I was surprised at the number of ballgowns the girls were wearing, but I'm not a ballgown kinda broad. But then, there was this one gown that stole the show for me, and not necessarily in a good way. Oh, it was beautiful, as was the girl who was wearing it: It was a black taffeta ballgown skirt, and the top in front was silver and black sequins in what looked like a v pattern, halter style. But the back? There were strings, as in it was tied like a string bikini. Not only that, but the skirt sat so low on the girl, you could see where her hips started. If she was wearing a low-rise thong, I don't know where she put it, because it was that. low.

Now, I'm sure her date was thrilled at the possibilites, but seriously, is that the kind of thing parents want their daughters' dates thinking? I mean, yeah, if it's going to happen, I suppose it doesn't matter what the girl's wearing, but ... still. I thought this dress was way too old for this girl.

If you want to be the judge, the show is supposed to air May 24 through May 28 on MTV. I'm sure they showed this girl many times throughout the evening.
Oh, whatEVER.

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

[Courtesy of Zoot]
Oh, whatEVER.