Tonight’s assignment: 300 screaming elementary kids watching a Steve Irwin-wannabe handle animals indigenous to the rain forest. I was waiting for the alligator with the rubber bands (!!) roped around its mouth to just go apeshit and start munching on the little twerps for touching it, but apparently, they’re cool with the touching, according to the guy. Since reptiles aren’t real bright on the evolutionary scale, it doesn’t occur to them to get all indignant about being poked and prodded; in fact, they kinda dig the heat, being reptilian and all. The bigger the brain, the bigger the propensity for wanting people to back the hell off and STOP. TOUCHING.

Who knew?

And did you also know that snakes don’t crush their food, but suffocate it? They wait for the poor bastard to exhale, and then they squeeze them, essentially cutting off their air supply. There you go.

Zoological lessons aside, that assignment wasn’t nearly as interesting as one I had last week. One of our local campuses hosts two of Great Britain’s young master debaters (DERRRR NARF!) and teams them up with two of its students in a parliamentary-style tag-team. The point of discussion: “This house belives the war on terrorism cannot be won.”

I covered this event last year, and the topic debated had to do with truth in advertising or something equally innocuous, so I was intrigued that the professor chose a topic for which the majority of the audience had their minds made up (and you’re not going to convince me of that otherwise). But what I would’ve liked to have seen debated? “This house has evidence that people who live outside of the United States are better versed in everything in the universe than its own natives,” because make no mistake, y’all: The Britons wiped their limey butts with the college kids. Seriously. Yeah, I understand that these were the No. 1 ranked orators for 2005 and 2006. Do you know what one of OUR geniuses did? After they heard one of the Britons mention the Irish Republican Army in reference to terrorism, they said—and I quote: “Take, for example, the IRA, who wants to take over the world ...” My “D’OH!” was audible.

We’re not a bright bunch here in NWI.