Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Pee-pee Dance of Joy

Sunday, April 20, 2008
I’m going to Tel-Aviiiiiiiiv! I’m going to Tel-Aviiiiiiiiv!

So, talked to Mer the other night (who, because of the current ass-expensive flying prices won’t be coming to visit over her spring break but still plans to make an appearance before summer’s out) and we start talking about the possibility of me going to visit her in Israel after she moves out there. I tell her what, are you kidding? Israel’s on my top 5 list of places to visit before I shuffle off the mortal coil—of COURSE I want to come out, except the IRS butt-raped me and stole my seed money, so I don’t know when that’s going to happen. So SHE says, “You know, as a journalist don’t you want to visit me? I mean, this is the highlight of journalism! We can hang out at the American Colony Hotel where aaaaaaaallllllllllllllll the journalists hang out. Then you can write a juicy story.  Listen, if money is the only factor I’ll have a lot of it.  Would you come if I spotted you the ticket?”

After wiping the drool off my chin, I tell her well YEAH, but I have no idea when I’d be able to pay you back, so then, bless her heart, she says, “I’m not asking you to pay me back. Dude, it’s 38,000 in my pocket. No rent, nothing. Tax free. (She’s taking a sabbatical from teaching so will be getting paid by both.) But would you come is the question—some people are ‘afraid!’ “ And I was like, “Sheeeeee-it! I told Randy Kapers he’d go blind if he kept masturbating in 8th grade History Class. Who YOU callin’ ‘scared?’ ”

And so, at the end of September, I’ll be spending Yom Kippur in Tel Aviv. How’s THAT for a fuckin’ vaykay!?? I’m so excited, I can’t even STAND it! But in the meantime, I will be spending the afternoon in good company at the Cubs game. 10-6, babies! It’s a good start!

Posted by Broad1:48 PM
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The results are in …

Mother’s first two tests: Completely and utterly devoid of ANY.THING. No cancer, no ulcers, no NOTHIN’. Now, the duodenum is still narrow, which COULD mean there’s something on the outside obstructing it, but the doctor was confident enough to allow us to reschedule the colonoscopy for Feb. 13th, plus when we were there a week ago, he pressed on her lower gut and it didn’t feel hard or like there was anything out of the ordinary (and with as skinny as she is—89.8 pounds as of this morning—you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be able to feel something if it were there).

More later. Right now, I’m going to work and then to pass out.

Posted by Broad8:01 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
Street cred for dorks like me

I realize that what I’m about to do is the nerdiest thing ever and will likely get me banned from ever commenting again, but y’all, I made the Gold Star Motel at Gawker!: Lookit

Posted by Broad6:50 PM
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I got a better way to spend my ‘mo’

Now, if I could just find a cho to po:


Thanks, SJ!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006
There’s only one word to describe

when you check your voicemail, and the last message you get is a little voice saying:

Hi, Aunt [Broad]. I wanted to call you. Bye. I love you!

That word is “Squeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Posted by Broad11:03 PM
Friday, September 15, 2006
A case for car insurance

So the detailer guy calls me back today and tells me—get this—that even though Pimp (which, if it isn’t clear to y’all, is my car’s sanctioned nickname, as it has many secrets and doesn’t want to be identified by my tens of adoring fans) drives perfectly fine, the two inches of remaining standing water in it has the potential to ignite the electrical nonsense underneath the carpet. And I thought to myself, “Huh. That might’ve been helpful yesterday, when I was driving around the wasteland that is now my town identifying for the paper as many of the flooded areas as I could; they were the ones identified by cones set up by the Public Works Department to deter dumbasses from commanding their own U-boats.” Oh, and because the water not only got under the carpet, but was most likely sewer water to boot (ew), the detail is going to be waaaaaaay over the deductible; the whole interior is going to have to be completely removed and the padding completely replaced, and that’s before the mechanic gives it the once-over to make sure there’s no electrical damage.

blank stare

But don’t cry for me, because lo! the detailer, he did redeem himself, as he secured for me a brand spankin’ new, 7-miles-off-the-lot, 2007 Corolla as my rental car for the next two weeks while Pimp detoxes. And? He did it at the cost my insurance would cover. And? The new Corolla is a HONEY of a car, with sweet pickup and smooth handling. Makes me really kind of want one NOW instead of in 16 years, when I’ll finally have Pimp paid off and will have likely driven him into the ground. Though, I’m not dissin’ on my car, because if it survived almost-submersion in Lake Woeisme without serious damage, it has to be a hearty vehicle worthy of respect. In any event, Farm Bureau’s getting its money first when I get paid tomorrow.

Speaking of respect, it seems that there are people out there who evidently either didn’t read my missive a month ago about why I blog and the rules to which I adhere when doing so, or they did but have no reading comprehension whatsoever, so Ima post a link to it again so those who need to can go back and read it, but more slowly this time, thanks:


If that isn’t clear enough, then I don’t know else what to say, except to not get yourself worked up by coming here. It’s really not healthy and makes you look kind of sad.

Posted by Broad3:19 AM
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Another sign the apocalypse must be upon us

Could this Chicagoland area weather be any nicer than it was this weekend?

Before I go into my holiday weekend and how glorious it actually was, how ‘bout that nip/tuck season opener? Alotta questions here, folks—first up, is Christian gay? A tough one, considering what Brooke Shields (aka Dr. Wolper) threw out in their first session about him being in love with Sean and Sean acting like a jealous wife for most of the episode, but based on that info alone, I got the impression that maybe Sean has some repression for Christian. HowEVER, the character writeups on the show’s official site reveal that later in the season, Christian gets it on in the shower with none other than


A.C. Slater, everyone! All riiiiiiiiiight!

Posted by Broad5:32 AM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
You caaaaaaaan’t have it

Been up since freakin’ 6 ayem this morning to cover an informational picket out in Porter County, so I kinda got nothin’ tonight. But his gives me a chance to post more pictures from the gig, these being of the newlywedded Mr. and Mrs. Opie, aka the cutest couple in the universe (and remember, you heard it hear hear heer HERE first) (See? I’m so tired I can’t even spell.):

Posted by Broad12:34 AM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Who knew depression could be so perky?

Waiting for Mother while she had her semi-annual doctor check-up, I was totally rockin’ out with the ol’ iPod, and have you ever had that thing where you think you know the lyrics to a song that you’ve heard a zillion times on the radio, only to find out that you really didn’t and wow! that’s a really good song? I had that moment today with “Brian Wilson” by the Barenaked Ladies. And it’s not like I haven’t heard the song a zillion times; I do have their excellent first album, Gordon. But I guess having ear pods crammed in your ears and blasting the music straight into your brain puts a whole new perspective on things, because that’s a really good song. It did occur to me, however, that BNL does sing a lot about mental health. As proof, I give you the lyrics to “Brian Wilson,” because I’m sure you didn’t actually listen to them and commit them to memory long before I did:

Posted by Broad7:33 PM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Better start cleaning up around this bitch
Because it looks like our pal Mer will be coming in much sooner than we thought. As in, this Thursday iff'n she can get a reasonably priced ticket.

My heart is a-twitter with anticipation. Oh, the hijinks we will have. And the alcohol we will drink.
Posted by Broad2:52 AM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Do it again
Anyone who's ever read Og's blog knows that traveling west off the I-80/94 into Illinois is hell on earth, right? I'm here to tell you that homie ain't lying. Christ on a crutch, man. Any plans you may have of going to Iowa in the near future? Scrap 'em now or get there through Michigan or Minnesota or whatever, because going that far out of the way will probably get you there sooner than I-80 will.

That nightmare, of course, meant that I caught only about two songs of our intrepid heroes' set, but what I heard -- "Life in the Fast Lane" and a U2 song my muddled brain can't remember at the moment -- done did us proud. As I told Lenny last night (Lenny being the sole original member left of BtL), he's finally got a group together that reigns him in and is serious about playing music and not just the whole rockstar aspect. Good stuff. The guys also made sure I had access to the VIP area since I didn't get a VIP bracelet which, love them.

Steely Dan, meanwhile, played none of their new stuff, only the best of the best: They started with "Bhodisattva" then right into "Time Out of Mind," my favoritist Steely Dan song EVER. I was in heaven. Michael McDonald was even good, though he did only his well-know stuff from the Doobies. Eh. And dude's got some white, white hair. But I got the cutest concert shirt; just hope it fits.
Posted by Broad3:05 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
My boys have made it to the big time
Got an e-mail from my pal Lenny about 20 minutes ago telling me that my favorite cover band is not only playing The New World Music Theatre/Tweeter Center/First Midwest Ampitheater Saturday night, but who're they opening up for*!?? That's right:

Steely Dan!

My head just exploded.
Posted by Broad1:46 PM
Friday, June 23, 2006
To be young again
Talked to Snidgey earlier as I'm wont to do every day, and guess where we decided to go in August? Yeah, that's right:


I'm likely going to be the oldest person there, but I don't care. It's going to be righteous.
Posted by Broad1:25 AM
Friday, June 16, 2006
Because I’m lazy and still tired from the show
Seriously, I was just looking to see what critics have said about the purple leotarded one's latest gig. How was I supposed to know that this O.C. dude was going to write the whole thing verbatim, thereby taking all the work (and remembering, because there was so, so much) out of it for me, whose feet are still swollen from rocking out in 3-1/2 inch wedges all night?

Like I told y'all yesterday, I really didn't have high hopes for the money I spent; I was waiting to be thoroughly whapped over the head with whatever rhetoric Madonna's selling these days or whatever. (Not that I don't agree with her, but sticking it all in a pointy bra doesn't really resonate, ya dig.) But she was just amazing -- looked great, sounded great, danced great, the whole package. And the lighting and images were divine. If you can, pay the money and go see her when she comes to town.

As added icing, BFKAS, B-Dubs and I had a really good time, though I must admit it was more than a little disconcerting to hear my 56 year-old birth mother singing "Like a Virgin." Yes, I know she would've been only 35 when the song came out (to my 15). Doesn't matter.
Posted by Broad11:15 PM
Color me converted
I'm really tired and I've got the sweat of a frillion people clinging to my hair, but my initial thoughts on the Madonna show? Fork over the money and go when she comes to town.
Posted by Broad4:05 AM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
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Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
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Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

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