Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Normal bitching

Monday, May 03, 2004
Now back to our regularly scheduled program
But not before I say this: Those bastards at M&M Mars? Have made an orchestrated version of that vile, hateful, horrible "Color My World" commercial that I hate so much. Between that and "A Focus and a Dell/A FOCUS AND A DELL," someone needs to get hurt.

So, about the time I learned the hard way about flapping my gob in public:
Posted by Broad7:02 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, May 02, 2004
I’m not a fucking prude … or AM I!? …
At the very least -- and Kaffy confirmed this to be true -- I think I'm becoming my father.
Posted by Broad2:39 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Evening waste (pun intended)
Talk about a craptacular evening: I just sat through a whole nutraceutical product pimp billed as a talk on building a healthier you. Had I known in advance that it was a pimp, I'd have come more prepared with questions about their products, i.e. the efficacy of co-enzyme Q-10 and all the other enzymes the people were coaxing the sheep to buy. I'll give props for the visual they used -- two old guys held up a disemboweled pantyhose leg and filled it full of garbage the normal schmuck might eat (donut and coffee for breakfast, Burger King cheeseburger, diet Coke and fries for lunch; and Chunk beef stew for dinner), then proceeded by hand to imitate peristalsis. THAT was pretty funny. Otherwise, eat healthy and take a multivitamin. Oh, and if you're not crapping two or three times a day? You're giving yourself autointoxication. No shit, dude! Sounds kinda kinky, if you ask me.

Speaking of kinky, I need the hoobity. Will somebody in particular, if you're reading, please bring me the hoobity!? Thanks.
Posted by Broad12:43 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Saturday, April 24, 2004
The toes know, bro
Taking a cue from Yvonne, I see her "ugly, nasty feet treatise" and raise her this little gem of wisdom for summer footwear:
It is NEVER -- and I mean NEVER -- Ok to wear panty hose with open-toe shoes. DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!? NEVER.

I don't want to hear that panty hose eliminate those unsightly little bulges and that you just wouldn't feel comfortable without them. GET A GIRDLE, or better yet, some Spanx (see here), which come footless. And if you think you look sharp like that? Oh, honey. You are sadly mistaken.

If I could brave 20-degree weather wearing open-toe sandals to a gala I covered last year, you can, too. For the love of God ...
Posted by Broad1:10 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, April 22, 2004
She sure did have it coming.
I'm sorry, but did you see the look on Jennifer Hudson's face when she found out she was in the -- gasp! -- THE BOTTOM THREE!?!?! Don't know about y'all, but that sealed the deal for me. So get your gosepl-singing ass back to the South Side, Honey, because with THAT attitude? "Diva" is right, and I'm not talking Patti LaBelle or Mama 'retha, who have REASONS to be bitches. Sit down.
Posted by Broad12:08 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, April 16, 2004
The. World’s. BIGGEST. PANTS.
You know, why is it that short girls with long waists, short legs and big asses and hips can't go to freakin' Wal-Mart, pull a pair of cargo capris off the rack and be able to wear them without looking like a sausage!?!? What the HELL, man!?!? All I want is a pair of olive green, cropped cargo pants to wear tomorrow night to the Roger Clyne gig. Is that too much to ask!?!? Sigh. But, it justifies for me a trip to Old Navy, and I'm always all about that.

Assuming I find a pair that I like, though, I'm not sure what top I'm going to wear. In my excitement toward my tax windfall, I bought this awesome silver necklace with two rhinestone circles, so that's my jewelry of choice. But I have a peach-colored, 3/4-length shirt with a collar that looks like it almost goes off the shoulders -- tres chic -- and I also have that white sweater with the low, round collar that would look just as cool. (Footwear has already been designated as a pair of black and white adidas kicks.) I know I could always see if my black linen cropped pants still fit over my giant ass, but I really do need a pair of olive green cargos, plus I don't really want to know if the $75 pair of Eileen Fisher linen pants don't fit just yet.

Of course, I can't do ANYTHING until FedEx gets here with my digital camera. Come, FedEx. Come to Butthead.
Posted by Broad3:23 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Beaten pile of noodly wank, I am
Ok, trying to finish a story at 7:30 a.m. after three hours of sleep, and then trying to catch up on the sleep in one night? Talk about being useless. And yet? I CAN'T be useless today because I have to go out and actually interview people. Meh. But I love my one editor -- I told her my tale of woe, and she was basically like, "Oh, Ok. Well, suck it up." She didn't say it, but I could tell she was thinking it, and that's cool with me, because I'm very much a non-whiner like that. I mean, if I was the dumbass who woke up and decided doing a story at 2:30 was a good idea, well, no one told me to do it that way.

So I'm staggin' it to Roger Clyne Saturday, but not for lack of trying; one of the girlfriends I asked to go is going to my ex-best friend's housewarming party. And I must admit, that kind of stuck up my ass. Not that the one friend chose her over me or anything like that -- she thinks the whole situation is idiotic, period. But I'm going to have to explain later, since I gots shit to do.
Posted by Broad1:54 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
I’m NOT a WEINER!
This might be a regional thing (Region thing?), but has anyone heard the 7-11 commercial introducing its new sausage-cheddar griller? Cracks. My. Shit. UP. "Sure, you may be full of cheddar, but do you know what I think you're full of ...!? YOURSELF!" says the hot dog. And that voice! Comedic genius, yo.

So, I woke up at 2:30 a.m. to finish my Roger Clyne story; that got done and filed at 7:30 a.m. (No, it doesn't usually take that long for me to pound something out; I was dawdling.) Now, only two more full stories to go, plus I need to get some quotes for another story. And then? Time to pass out. But not before I bitch some more about Greta.

Oh, and did I mention I purchased a digital camera? Yeah, a Canon Elph SD-100. Hope to have it before the show so I can post pictures of Roger and my idiot friends.
Posted by Broad4:05 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, April 12, 2004
The problem with afternoon naps
Nothing like dozing off for 45 minutes, only to have the woman I've been trying to contact for three days call and wake me up, and me unable to get a word out of my freakin' mouth. I mean, I thought it was FREAKING TUESDAY MORNING WHEN I TALKED TO HER! GAH!

Not the most embarassing thing to happen to me, but up there.
Posted by Broad7:15 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, April 08, 2004
My pal Mer
Since I'm not sure how much time I'm going to have to hang out tomorrow with all the stuff I have to do, I thought I'd put in one more long post, this one a tale about my pal Mer.
Posted by Broad2:39 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Popularity’s hell, I tell you.
It's either fest or famine in the free-lance biz: Today and Friday? No stories scheduled. Tomorrow and maybe Saturday? Four apiece. It almost makes me hope that nothing comes up Friday so I can get caught up on stuff. Plus, I'm sure I'll be hearing from Perry's publicist again within the next couple of days, so I want to have plenty of time to devote to him.

So anyway, while I'm putting off typing in my notes from the interview I just finished (as well as trying to get out of heavy duty work over at Greta's ... oops, I wasn't supposed to say that out loud, was I?), let's talk about porn, or the apparent lack thereof our esteemed Attorney General John Asscroft would like to see. (Discussion courtesy of mikey.)
Posted by Broad11:24 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Don’t know what to do first.
An assistant here in Chez Broad would be a much-welcome addition. Any James Spader lookalikes out there wanting to ... ahem ... take dictation!?!?!

Heh.
Posted by Broad4:55 PM • (0) Trackbacks
That’s right—he DID die today.
Since everyone seems to be nostalgically waxing about the death of Kurt Cobain today, I might as well throw my 2 cents in.

Lessee, April 5, 1994? I was a waitress at Olive Garden in Merrillville, slinging meatballs to accumulate enough scratch to make to it Houston for the man I luuuurrrrved's college graduation. I vaguely remember being in the kitchen near the cashier's booth when I heard on the radio that it was confirmed.

The end.
Posted by Broad2:47 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, April 05, 2004
Word of advice for the boys …
Ok, I did have a fucked-up-but-interesting dream last night, but it wasn't particularly vivid. Upon waking up, however, I was thinking about the one guy, and my thoughts led to one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe EVER.
Posted by Broad3:02 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Unintentional hard-on
I started posting about something that happened to a pal last week, but I can't do it without promoting something else that absolutely does NOT deserve one ounce more of consideration by anyone. Hence, I've withdrawn it. So sorry if you're all hot-and-bothered now; as Robert Palmer used to sing, "I didn't mean to turn you on."

Maybe I'll have one of my fucked-up-but-terribly-interesting dreams on which to blather when I wake up.
Posted by Broad4:29 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Page 5 of 7 pages « First  <  3 4 5 6 7 >
It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.

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