Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Why couldn’t MY Fishnuts be like theirs?
Since I'm now persona non grata with Mother's family, here's where I want to spend the holidays next year: Lookit


[Courtesy of dong, my super-sekrit boyfriend.]
Posted by Broad10:12 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Out for blood
Amazing thing, the human female body. This morning, I woke up still ready to tear the heads off small woodland creatures and chew them, and now with the onset of menses, I'm perfectly calm and looking forward to drinking myself stupid with coworkers tonight. But I'll tell you what: If menopause is going to be ANYTHING like the last few days? Dude. I'm going to be a bitch.

Not that I'm completely over a comment that was left for me yesterday questioning my empathy toward Southeast Asia these days; now, I'm just more scratching my head that someone could be so retarded. I mean, if you think I stand for something you don't like, then it's your option not to read me. But I don't want to hear it, either, especially on your first comment here ever and even more if I don't know you or read you, which I don't and won't now. Dumbass.

You know, something tells me my commenter also has magnets on their car ...
Posted by Broad7:16 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
You can’t HAN-dle the TRUTH!
Today, Mother decided she was going to get to the bottom of why Cousin the Rich One got her a present and not me, after I told her not to say anything. And of course, I'm the one that's in the wrong, because Cousin the Rich One didn't get an aunt anything, either and that no, she's not going to call to talk to me about it because the phone lines would be on fire, she's just that mad that I would have the gall to be upset about it -- just like I TOLD MOTHER WOULD HAPPEN WHEN I SAID NOT TO SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Now? Guess who's been wronged in all of it? That would be Mother, because she just wanted to "know the truth."

Yep. Nothing like taking the joy out of living some days.
Posted by Broad4:29 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Drowning in a sea of something
The most fucked-up thing to me about the tsunami disaster? For some reason, don't ask me what, I've always equated tsunamis with hurricanes and ominous, horrifying skies. So I'm watching shots of it last night on Nightline, and everything's sunny and happy and whoa! Holy shit! That's a gi-normous wave! Eating the coast! In the sunshine! That ain't right.

So, my day turned out less crappy as it trudged on yesterday: I did talk to my one editor later and everything seems to be all right, and another editor was kind enough to let me include the two stories I worked on yesterday in my woefully pathetic requisition for this pay period so I won't starve. After all, it's a slow time of year. (Digression: Star Jonesreynolds just told Jessica Simpson that her voice is "on point." I'm not sure why I want to stick a fork in my ear more -- because she said "Your voice is ON POINT" or the fact that she's lying and blowing sunshine up Simpson's ass because I can't STAND her mush-mouthed voice. Shudder). The other stuff? Well, lemme tell you a story:
Posted by Broad2:23 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, December 27, 2004
Fucking day
What a shitty day, man -- first I get my ass handed to me by one of my editors (not that it wasn't uncalled for, exactly, but what unnerves me is she hasn't called me back after I apologized), and then Greta calls me to tell me that she's pretty sure she's losing her job tomorrow. And that's not all, but I'm in the midst of two stories, so I'll let y'all in on the rest later.

The only things that have saved this day are the fact that I'm just about to polish off my Hickory Farms Cajun Beef Stick and the following, which I wrote about a certain official who keeps doing really bad things in the town of Schererville:
Posted by Broad6:02 PM • (0) Trackbacks
More from Hairy Fishnuts, 2004
More from Hairy Fishnuts, 2004
More from Hairy Fishnuts, 2004,
originally uploaded by Region Broad.
This was the happy part of Fishnuts Eve, when I was Jill and Jon's my future crib. Yeah, that was a lot of cabernet.

Posted by Broad3:07 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Hairy Fishnuts: The aftermath (or, I need a Goddamned drink)
Ok, so my Christmas? Not as good as originally anticipated. Oh, I tried to put a brave front today like it was all frankincense and myrrh, but yesterday afternoon? Was a pile of camel shit.
Posted by Broad5:04 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Hairy Fishnuts, pt. 2
How do you know if your liver hurts? Because man! that was a lot of vino last night. But remarkably, I'm not hangin' this morning, because the wonders of water have once again not ceased to amaze me. I did feel an ache in my upper left back, though.

So, I just got me one of them flickr accounts, and I'm going to show you some pictures from yesterday, including the ones where I was really, really smashed on cabernet. That is, when I figure out how to post the damn pictures to it.

Oh! One more thing: Congrats to my homies Tara and Sean, who're one step closer to matrimonial hell with the receipt of Tara's one-carat sapphire and diamond engagement ring this morning! Woo! Sean's become a man! And I KNOW Tara's not going to make me wear a stupid ugly dress, either. Right? RIGHT!?!?! And that she's not going to wear panty hose with open-toed shoes if that's what she gets!?!? (Arms crossed, cocks eyebrow and taps foot.) Because you KNOW I'll call you out on that.
Posted by Broad4:01 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Hairy Fishnuts, yo!
It's after 1 a.m. and I'm piss-durnk on about, oh, two-ish bottles fo Cabernet (which always fucks me up). But it's Christma, yo! So far, I've gottne a lovely pomegranate and pear candle, incence oil and ornametnst from Jill, who;s criub I just got back from (muy fun, and I still love their house ans covet it for my own), and I'll be ordering my new bedding soonest from Mother. What would've been really cool? If the fucking one guy would've picked up the phone when I said I was drunk and wanted to stop by because I was in the mood, but I guess it doesn't work that way. But you know what? Fuck that and him, because it's Christmas, and I had a great time with family and friends who I know care avout me.

Hope y'all's holiday is just as groovy.
Posted by Broad5:35 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, December 23, 2004
A lovely early Christmas present
Behold the person who's going to be doing some free-lance marketing stuff for an environmental company. (Yeah, that would be me, y'all.) The owners of the company are old family friends, and although they've been reasonably successful so far, they want to do more marketing. Well, I ran into the husband, and he mentioned that they needed help and if I knew anyone, to which I said I didn't, but if they needed help until they got someone in house, I'd be happy to lend a hand. And they said, "Cool!" Woo! And we settled on a healthy hourly wage, too! Double woo!

Of course, the buzzkill to all this is that the wife ended up informing me that a cousin on my dad's side was killed in a car wreck yesterday morning about midnight. (The reason she knew before Mother and I did was because she belongs to a prayer chain at the church my aunt and uncle belong to.) All we know for sure is that Gary, my cousin, and his wife were hit by an 18 year-old, and Gary died at the scene -- possibly on impact -- while his wife suffered a punctured lung and has been sedated since shortly after arriving at the hospital. He leaves behind two college-age daughters.

No word on whether the kid was fucked-up or not, but their part of the woods is getting hammered with snow right now.
Posted by Broad1:08 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Since everyone else did it …
I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, disgustingly generous, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!
What are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

[Horked from Kaffy, who got it from Headcase]
Posted by Broad11:54 PM • (0) Trackbacks
No references to squid, please
There's a reason I love Screenhead, who's written by my super-sekrit boyfriend dong: It posts things like The 213 Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the Army. I've reposted them below. And -- and! -- Skippy has another great idea about how to support the troops that doesn't involve sticking stupid magnets on your car, making a shout-out perfectly necessary. [Courtesy of dong resin by way of Screenhead]:
Posted by Broad3:20 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, December 20, 2004
Perverts in advertising
Is it just me, or could one mistake the little girl singing in that Duracell commerical for saying "Glory Hole" if you're kind of listening half-assed?

The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief that I? No longer look like a ridden-hard trucker broad; the great Emperor Warrior Kendar took pity on me last night and dyed my roots. It's now all coppery again, with lovely plum lowlights. Now, I just need a facial ...
Posted by Broad7:30 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Does the fact that I don’t do Xbox count against me?

You Are Boyish Sexy

You're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boys Whether it's holding your own in a game of touch football... Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox. You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz grin

Come to think of it, I don't do touch football, either. Does sitting around the bar doing shots with the boys count?

[Horked from colleen by way of the Snidge.]
Posted by Broad4:57 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Another reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to breed
Tonight while watching "Vanishing Twins" on Discovery Health (over at Greta's because, you know, I don't have cable), I kept singing the theme song from Jaws after they described how one identical twin will absorb the other if the second one doesn't divide equally. I'm such a card.

Greta's Lasik, in the meantime, went well, and no, I did NOT watch it, even though I could've; she was afraid she might hear me gasp in horror at what they were doing or say stuff like, "Is that supposed to look like that?" while they were doing it. And yes, yes I would do something like that, because it would amuse me. Hell, when I took Crazy Aunt to the orthopedic surgeon this summer, I reminded her to tell the nurse about her heroin habit ... while the nurse was taking her vitals.

Don't look at me like that; you think it's funny, too, and you're going to hell just like I am.
Posted by Broad3:48 AM • (0) Trackbacks
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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