Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The fightin’ Macedonians
I met my alleged sperm donor tonight.

His mother passed away, and BFKAS* said his family wanted to meet me; allegedly, I look exactly like an aunt in their family. The first thing I said to her as we walked out of the wake:
Well ... I'm glad I didn't get his teeth.

Posted by Broad3:39 AM
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
$2 Chuck, and I don’t mean the wine
There's this dude who covers for the competition one of the munis I've now been covering regularly for the past few weeks, and can I just tell you about the pants this guy wears? He has a pair of brown polys and a pair of what can only be described as blood-red polys that have been washed many times since the '70s, when he no doubt bought them. And these pants are so tight, you can see his underbundies in them -- and they're NOT boxers, and I doubt they're tighty whiteys. I'm guessing they're colored briefs, and that scares me. A lot. Because he's, like, in his late 40s, and no homie should be wearing colored briefs, but especially in his late 40s. (shudders)

So, how many of you have been wondering what's been going on with the immediate members of my bio-fam lately? Anyone? It's been ... not unpleasant. In fact, it's been downright cordial. Tenuous, certainly, but cordial. And are you ready for this? I even got a birthday e-mail from the woman formerly referred to as ****. (Continuing to call her that wouldn't be in the spirit of reconcilliation, I reckon so I guess I'm going to have to come up with a less-negative pseudonym.) It was belated, but I still got one, which is, like, HUGE. Seriously. And I can't say I'm not unpleased by this turn of events, but y'all knew that already, didn't you?

There's no doubt that some of you are downright puzzled dubious freaked the fuck outconcerned about this turn of events, and you're not the only one; more than once has it crossed my mind that there's an ulterior motive to this change of heart. But I'm tired now. However, you know what y'all didn't do for me for my birthday? You didn't put yourselves on the map. Go do it.
Posted by Broad2:46 AM
Monday, February 06, 2006
Ok, did y'all know about this thing called The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet!?? DID YOU SEE THA HALFTIME ENTERTAINMENT!?? It was KITTENS! Glorious, glorious KITTENS, frolicking and sleeping and bathing and ... and ... KITTENS! Wheeeeeee! Kaffy and I did some serious giggling while watching it last night a 12:30, and we weren't even fucked-up.

[UPDATE: Behold! The cuteness: Lookit]
Posted by Broad1:23 PM
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Call me ‘SEYmour!’ As in Skinner
If I have to hear about 1) the rash Mother got under her boobs from using Tide with fragrance; 2) the rising cost of her medication/NIPSCO/everything on God's green earth, or 3) how black people moved into her building and ohmiGOD, how is she going to ever use the washer and dryer again one more Goddamned time, I swear I'm going to throw myself onto 80/94. Fortunately, she did not regale me with these inanities during my birthday dinner this evening, but give it a day or so, and I'm sure she'll be back to it. And I will kill something. Hard.

The ol' birthday was pretty low-key -- thanks to all y'all who remembered to wish me one. Not quite sure how I'm feeling about the ass-end of 35 (aka 36), but I don't feel any older or anything like that. There are just some ages for me that feel more right than others, and any age with a 6 in it usually doesn't make the cut, even though 16 was all right for whatever reason. Anyway, got an iTunes cert from Tara, which I will use happily iff'n iTunes will ever let me log in and use it, and some cash toward a new shower curtain from Mother, which I'm still trying to find one I actually like. (You know, from last year.) Should've thought to look on eBay first, because I've found several I could live with, and all for under the $75 that it would cost me to buy the Lilly Pulitzer I fell in love with: Lookit. I'm also itching to get a new bag, and it's looking like it's going to be either a red Balenciaga or a gold Botkier -- also off eBay, of course.
Posted by Broad1:50 AM
Friday, February 03, 2006
Go Shorty, iss her birfday

My sisTAH! Go wish her one, everybody!

[image provided by the always groovy Rock Scissor Paper]
Posted by Broad6:09 AM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
If only there was something in MY memoirs to retract
Since the blogosphere isn't done giving James Frey what he deservestalking about James Frey, please pay homage to the brilliance of Banterist, who came clean about his memoirs: Lookit.

[Via Gawker]
Posted by Broad2:20 PM
I shaved my legs for this!??
I'm guessing you want to know about my meeting with John the gardener.

Yeah, don't be too jealous, because it wasn't nearly as good as it could've been.

When I got to Blue Chip, I parked like a jerk in hotel parking, and security whisked me through to the crowd of at least 1,000, who were all crammed in the pavillion waiting to get in. I crawled (sometimes literally, as there were all these rope blockades all over the place) among the crabby masses to get to the press area to see the end of Bill Boyd's speech (and get my first glimpse of Jesse, who is HOTT but NOT TALL; if he 5'9, I'd be surprised). Then the PR person whisked us back to a craps table, where Jesse threw out the first dice. So we all stood there and took pictures of his hotness, then the P.R person herded all the press people back to the media room, where we had continental breakfast and waited to get a tour of the boat. Jesse, in the meantime, was NOT brought back to the media room, and we have no idea where he went. So, no Jesse and his hotness for me, which positively blows since I looked pretty damn hot yesterday, even going so far as to put on my damn suit and Tod's loafers.

Below, the shots I got of Jesse. To think I was only a craps table-length away from his beauty ...
Posted by Broad4:25 AM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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