Ok, it’s really late, and I’m still kinda drunk and freaked out at tonight’s turn of events, but guys? The title says it all, and I’m a little stunned at my cheekiness, but ... yeah. Wow. Yikes, even.

Had to put the smackdown on an idiot over at my new favoritist Gawker Media creation: Lookit.

I mean, seriously. It boggles the mind.

So Mother was supposed to hunker down at Chez Broad after the storm last week, right? It was against every sane bone in my body, but she’s my mother, so one makes sacrifices. Anyway, she arrives, and I tell her that she can crash in my room since I have a queen and I’m used to crashing on the couch. Well, she can’t crash in there because my boys will want to sleep in there with her, she said, even though you can SHUT my door to keep them out and really? They might pester her, but they sleep with their momma (aka me). Okaaaaaaaay, so I hand her a sheet and make up the couch for her, and she sits down while I go over to my D-List celebrity BFF’s so his lovely woman can teach me to prune my own head when it gets too unwieldy.

I get back to the crib, and Mother tells me that I need to take her to my uncle’s because she’s going to spend the night there. Annoyed, I ask why, and she tells me that my eldest was harassing her. “I told you he hangs out on the back of the couch and he’ll leave you alone if you leave him alone,” I reminded her once again. But then no sooner did I walk out of the can when I looked, and there was Rube crouched on the cushion with his paws on her pillow, looking at her like, “Yeah? What’re you going to do, old crazy lady?” I guess he did that to her several times while I was gone, and she freaked out.

Hey, worked for me.

Mother called this morning in Defcon 5 panic because after the wicked storm we had last night, the power’s out in much of the town, and she has no air conditioning. She’s now staying at Chez Broad.

Please send either help or extra prayers that I don’t end up popping a cap in this woman’s ass.

and miserable about a boy, so I could use some positive reinforcement, por favor.

My Pinoy Name is Ma Estrella Olinda Jun-Jun Quilong-quilong.
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Could someone explain to me why Star Jones had to “come clean” about the fact that she had gastric bypass? Like, no one could figure out that with the amount of weight she lost, that’s what “medical intervention” meant? I mean, right?

Had some broadband issues this week so I couldn’t fill y’all in about BUS DEMOLITION! weekend, but as always, it was a great time; only thing that bummed me out worth talking about is that my D-List celebrity BFF and his entourage never found us. But one daring soul in our group, Will, actually signed up to race in the amateur turn—until his roommate, Jeff, discovered that the car Will would be racing was HIS 2006 PORSCHE. Yeah, that got nixed pretty quickly, but it certainly would’ve been the classiest vehicle to ever have set foot on the track had it gone down. They made it from Boys Town to the track in 30 minutes, so there was no one that was going to beat that—not even the factory Mustang that took the win.  The afterparty, meanwhile, was 20+ strong, so even though the JB family compound is massive and set up like a barracks upstairs, that was still a lot of people. I swear, JB and his fam are the best hosts ever, and I can’t say it enough: It was so nice to be among people who appreciate and value my contributions to their universe. I don’t get that nearly as much as I should.

But! Things might be changing on that front, because you’ll never guess what Mother did! Ready? She signed up for Meals on Wheels ALL BY HERSELF! Without me even suggesting it! I KNOW! You have no idea how exciting this is for me; that’s least three days out of the week where I don’t have to worry about whether she’s got something to eat. [BACKSTORY: Because she doesn’t drive, one of the ways Mother makes sure to have human interaction is not having a lot of food in the house so that people will take her out. This is dangerous because a) she’s diabetic, and b) when her depression isn’t under control, she doesn’t eat and has dropped to 90 pounds more than once.] Even better, she did it before her shrink switched up her meds. So now, she’s getting back on track (at least for the moment; we have to see whether the new one works, but so far, she’s sleeping at night) AND took a step to be self-sufficient. I may just get me a life yet.