Did it not occur to you that when you yourself write a missive talking about your son, you kinda throw plum out the window the right to threaten anyone with legal action if they mention his name? I’m guessing you didn’t, because you called the paper all fired up over it, but yeah no, honey. You don’t get to do that without looking like a total nutjob. And YOU, PVT, calling me from home and stuff. Not sure what you wanted, but my story was correct: You were reprimanded, and rightfully so; I mean, just because you HAVE the influence doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to throw it around. And I know how that is—people ask me to “wield my influence” (such that it is, and believe me, all MY influence is going to get you is an eyeroll, if you’re lucky) all the time, but that doesn’t mean I do it. But you know, y’all can go ahead and hire an attorney if you like. You’ll LOSE, but whatever.

Lessee, what else ... Girlie had a pregnant Hooters waitress wait on her when she took her daughter there for lunch Sunday. She said it was pretty horrifying.

to comPLETEly piss up my rope and all but ruin everything else: Last week, I went on eBay and found the exact Waterford champagne flutes I bought my sister 10 years ago for her wedding (they’d gotten smashed in a moving or some other incident), so I bought them for her anniversary coming up and sent the seller HER address along with my payment. Well, the seller asked three different times to resend the address, which I did, but then something told me to go look at the listing to make sure it got paid, etc. What did I find? The seller RELISTED THE FLUTES. Oh. It is SO. ON. NOW. MOTHERFUCKER. I comPLAINED on your stupid ass.

(ahem)

I know y’all have been waiting with bated breath to hear how my 20th went. No no, it’s all right. I mean, it’s huge stuff, so you don’t have to front. I gotcha. So, does Awesome.Freakin’.TASTIC tell you anything!?? Now, my feet are still swollen from standing all night despite wearing flats with no support in them whatsoever—good thing I didn’t wear the Manolos—but I’m Ok with that because it was such a good time. Ann hooked me up Friday with a super-hot outfit when we went shopping Friday afternoon and then blew out my hair Saturday while I had my car detailed; my fake eyelashes didn’t end up somewhere else on my face by the end of the night; and I saw and talked to all the people I wanted to talk to—even the ones I might never have talked to anywhere else.

There were, naturally, observations:

1) Either my weight gain or new hair color (dark, dark brown) threw people off or they like the rest of the world just don’t recognize me without my glasses, but I kept getting these glances like “Who IS that?” for about the first 1/2 hour;
2) While everyone talked with everyone else in the hallway where the open bars were, once we got inside the banquet room, it looked exactly like the lunchroom Senior year, with all the cliques congregating at their various tables. Not sure why I thought it would be different, and I guess I really didn’t, but it was still funny to see; and
3) Centennial Park is a just a spectacular place to hold an event, landfill and cancer-causing agents* be damned.

I also have to say that the women in my class look amazing for our “advanced” age. Guys are guys, but the broads looked HOT.

that if Uncle Peepaw and Bible Spice (thanks Jez who coined the term!) lose the election, she’s going to hit the talk-show circuit/tell-all memoir circuit with a story of how she was “coerced” into making all those racist comments* and just didn’t hear those calls to kill Obama, doggoneit! because she would’ve NEVER let it all happen if she were allowed to campaign the way SHE wanted to, because she’s NOT racist, nosiree.

Just a thought (but mark my words; I give it a year).

So I did something Wednesday that I haven’t done in, oh, something like two years, I think. Ready?

I am now the proud owner of a current valid drivers license.

This comes as no shock to my crew, who’ve had to haul my ass around and hold their breaths while I get carded since I finally admitted my lack of license (don’t worry—I may not look like I’m approaching 40, but I’m still not cute enough to pass as under the age at which it’s appropriate to card), but it shouldn’t come as a surprise to any of y’all, either, because truth be told, I’m kind of an asshole when it comes to stuff. Here’s what happened: I got dinged for speeding in late February or early March 2006 (twice within a week, as I recall); paid my tickets and was told I needed to go to defensive driving. Thing about that was, having gone through DD before several years ago during my last spate of speeding infractions, I seemed to recall the cost as being something like $90, which I didn’t have at the time. And then I forgot to sign up, and then I forgot I forgot and so on and so forth until my license was suspended (and yes, they DO send out the paperwork). Fast forward to April, I was heading down to my accountant’s for the annual buttrapemy taxes when I got pulled over. And the officer discovered my suspended license. Said officer was kind enough to NOT impound my car and wrote me a ticket far less than my actual speed. But did that prompt me to reinstate my license? Of COURSE not, because now that it was suspended, I figured the fee was MUCH more than $90 and I had to prepare for that kind of coin.

Then my first court date in August came and went—it was deferred since I was still a scofflaw—and I decided I’d better take care of this nonsense, so I called downstate to find out what I needed to do to become legal again. The lovely gentleman told me all I had to do was take the DD course I’d put off. “Really? That’s IT!??” I said in utter shock. “Yep, should cost you no more than $50.” Well, hot PISS! I thought, I can do this right quick!

Except I didn’t and deferred two more court dates before sitting my ass down at the computer to TAKE THE COURSE. Hey, I told y’all I was an asshole about this stuff.

In what has to be my punishment for being such a dick, y’all can rest assured that the picture is horRENdous—my face is too small for my head and my hair is HUGE on one side because I made the mistake of pulling it outside my collar (first mistake: wearing a collared shirt in the first place) without benefit of a mirror. None of that, however, compares with my Peter Griffin butt-chin, which is more prominent than I’ve seen it in forever. But you know, now that I have my license back, I kind of feel all out of sorts, like it’s not normal to not be a scofflaw. Is that weird?

Next up: getting my license plate renewed. Then I’ll be COMPLETELY legal (It was due in August.). The question, however, is will I still be the exciting, mysterious rebel I’ve become by having a suspended license all this time? Only time will tell, I reckon ...

Ever get wind of something you know is only half the story, and you’re hugely offended and feel the need to bring your side to the table even though you’re so much better off not being involved, and anyways it’s not like your side makes a difference?

Eeeeyeah.

No, not going to share with the class, except to offer a bit of advice: In every relationship you have that goes bad, when you’re sitting there justifying your reasons to get out of it—and of course there are great reasons to get out of relationships that don’t make you happy; not saying not to—do yourself a favor and make sure you’re completely aware of YOUR part in it, if for nothing else than to not repeat the same shit* over again with the next unsuspecting schmuck.


[*And when I say “repeat the same shit,” what I mean is not subject the next unsuspecting schmuck to said shit, though the other interpretation works as well.]

Last night, the boys and I settled in for the night with jammies and blankies and stuff when I promptly fell asleep after watching the first half of SNL (yeah, I know, missing two of the best skits, but I already caught Mary Poppins, and that one’s tons better than Lawrence Welk. I about died with that one). And then I woke up about 1:45 a.m. to what I thought was the sound of someone knocking on my sliding door.

Which leads out to my balcony.

ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF THE BUILDING.

But I wasn’t sure until I heard it a second time, and yeah, it was distinct knocking followed a few seconds later by a kick to the window, maybe? So I did what any normal person would do and FROZE THE FUCK UP ON THE COUCH FOR AN HOUR, not moving a muscle because both my phones were out of reach, and since the blinds to the balcony were open, I didn’t want who- or whatever was back there to see me. So I waited patiently for doom to fall when tired got the best of me and I got up and went to bed, where oddly enough my window was opened and I can usually hear what’s going on in back WHEN I’M AWAKE. But there was nothing, and I fell asleep after an hour of wondering if it’s illegal to get my hands on some barbed wire to wrap around the balcony railing. Oh, and wondering why, if the person didn’t know me, they would knock (unless they DO know me, in which case, I would think she’d have learned that yes, I DO call the cops on family members).

Now, I’ve got the blinds closed and everything on extra-super lockdown, which I hate because it makes me feel closed in. Seriously, though, who the hell would knock on the door of the person they’re trying to rob or worse!??

She gave Amurricans a “shout-out.”

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU!??