Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Out of the mouths of babes

Friday, April 11, 2008
Pure, unadulterated malignity

In my lameness at not joining my comrades, I trolled down Seamus O’blogroll to catch up, and if y’all aren’t reading Skot from Izzle Pfaff!, a pox on you because he’s freakin’ BRILLIANT. Immerse yourself in the beauty of his prose, will ya?

Some months ago, Budweiser had the astonishingly shitty idea of teaming up with Clamato to release this . . . beverage that they called “Chelada,” a perversion of a perfectly fine Southwest/Mexican drink tradition of leavening shitty lager with tomato juice, lime and salt in order to create a refreshing summer drink (I swear this is true). And when it came out, J. managed to sneak a can of it into my fridge as a joke; when I discovered the offending thing, I swore to him that I would make him drink it.

This was the night. I pulled out the giant can--24 deathless ounces--and squinted apprehensively at the label, which, yes, was still trumpeting the good sense of this collison of Budweiser and Clamato. With a coroner’s clinical eye, I examined the “nutritional information” boxlet, and encountered this terrifying fragment: “Contains shellfish/clams.” I clouted J. about the head and torso and wept at our fate.

I poured the stuff into a couple of glasses; pinkish and wan, it looked like poorly oxygenated blood, or perhaps a pleural effusion. It bore virtually no head whatsoever, the carbonation presumably overcome by the angry, imprisoned shellfish/clam zombies. Even pouring it was dispiriting, like watching suicides falling from tall buildings. We smelled our samples and were not encouraged: it was a hellishly chemical lime nose that seemed to grouchily throw punches at the only other olfactory note, which was a sickly tomatoesque sweetness. Finally, we took a sip.

This was possibly as close to the American tradition of St. Patrick’s Day that we got that evening. For one brief horrifying moment, J. and I drank an alcoholic beverage that was, for all intents and purposes, like drinking pure, unadulterated malignity. For a mere moment, we were as one with all of those douchebags out there in all of those Stygian Irish bars, drinking the undrinkable.

Pleural effusion has now entered my lexicon for the next time I have some sort of creeping lung death. Bet on it.

Posted by Broad3:14 AM
Sunday, March 02, 2008
The weedleeee is hard to capture

Lessons learned while trying to videotape guitar sensei Jeff Massey in action when he and the band play blues favorite “Mean Old World” (originally done by Little Walter as far as I can tell, but with the blues, who really knows who originated what?):

-- No matter where you’re trying to shoot, some stupid fat guy with slicked-back hair is going to get in the shot and dance. Badly.

-- Blues songs are typically at least 15 to 20 minutes long, so your battery pack and SD card should accommodate more than five minutes.

Alas, we didn’t capture Jeff doing his “weedleeweedleeweedleeweedleeweedlee!” this time, but now that we know what song it is, we’ll be prepared the next time.

Prior to catching the band, however, I was tricked—TRICKED, I tell you!—into attending another sex-toy party. I say “tricked” because when Girlie presented the option to me, she said, “So, you want to go to Doris’ surprise party?” Here’s the conversation that ensued when we left:

Me: You know, when you said “surprise party,” I didn’t realize that’s the name of the sex-toy company.
Girlie (looking at me like I have three heads before busting out laughing): What, did you think I was inviting you to a surprise party for a person you didn’t know!??
Me: Well, YEAH. Because that’s kinda how we do it.

And that IS true: As I allow people into my inner sanctum, they just sort of become part of this big collective where I work under the impression that everyone knows each other and hangs out like one big happy. Girlie works the same way, so since we each know a shit-ton of people (and that’s seriously not an exaggeration), assuming she’d be inviting me to a surprise party is NOT a huge stretch, so no laughing.

Posted by Broad10:20 PM
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Farting like a mental patient

So the other day as I was going through the Gawker comments as I’m known to do, one of the regulars was commenting on how, when he feeds his dog people food, he/she/it “farts like a mental patient.” I swear to GOD, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in about a week (after one of my editors sent me a fake story about how one of the towns was going to use its well-known paraplegic’s guy in a wheelchair’s lap to shoot off fireworks, of course. Yes, I AM fully aware that I’m going to Hell. Why do you ask?) Poppy didn’t find it quite as funny as I did, but Kaffy sure did, and we laaaaaaaaaaaaughed and laaaaaaaaaaaughed about it last night.

In other news, I came to the sad, sad realization yesterday that I can no longer walk out of the house sans bra.

Posted by Broad5:42 PM
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I’m just posting for a friend

Here’s something from my pal Mr. Allen that carries some poignancy in today’s times:

Remember the OJ thing where he [allegedly] murdered his ex and her friend?  You know, the thing where he’d [allegedly] show up at Nicole’s house, [allegedly] threaten her, [allegedly] stalk her, and try to seem like a great guy to everyone in his inner circle?

I believe the facts of the case are he is accused of stalking Nicole, accused of stalking her friends and being just a general dick to her friends and family, and then we all know what he did after that.

There are things you should just let go, like someone making fun of some stupid shit you’ve done, or someone saying to another, unrelated party, that you’re a jerk or an ass or whatever applies.

Like, what if OJ actually followed someone into a grocery store and threaten them in front of say, oh, I don’t know, 5 confirmed witnesses?  He probably just hasn’t thought out his shit very much, has he?  I mean, surely he’d never have been captured on some sort of video doing what he’d probably deny ever doing should his wife somehow find out what he’s done, right?  He’s not that stupid is he?

You’d think a rational, mature adult would know that’s how you’re supposed to act.

You’d think ...

Posted by Broad1:19 AM
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Aaaaaaand … we’re back
A free-lance artist!?? Try a hack who slaps paint on signs or on the sides of buildings for $9 an hour!

—Mer, on everyone’s favorite idiot
Posted by Broad4:49 AM
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Poppy, on her 15th (!) month of pregnancy
You know, someone should write a book about ignorant, unsolicited advice that people give you during pregnancy. That and a guide to public bathrooms. Someone would pay money for that.

[NOTE: Pops has not actually been pregnant for 15 months. She IS, however, 10 days overdue. And ready to kill someone.]
Posted by Broad3:39 PM
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Yeah, man. I’m hardcore
Two DUIs in three months? Does he know your other ex, who allegedly embezzled from the FOP? You run with a rough crowd.

-- From an amusing conversation I had with JB re: My somewhat dubious taste in men
Posted by Broad3:24 AM
Friday, July 21, 2006
Day 1: NWI Pop quiz, by Mer
1. The biggest pigsty is:
a. Kevin Benson's bathroom
b. Sophie's
c. Gabriel's skidmarked underwear after a night on the streets of Chinatown
d. Zook's apartment

2. It is clear that Zook has garnered sexual tips from:
a. Joel Steinberg
b. Robert Chambers
c. Son of Sam
d. a and b, because the gun wasn't loaded

3. Which of the following injuries do I NOT have this morning?
a. a whacked out jaw
b. multiple scalp contusions
c. bruised collar bones
d. melancholia over Greeks with social anxiety disorders

4. Which phrase would most likely be heard echoing out of Zook's beachfront apartment?
a. My what a small penis you have!
b. All Serbs should be cleansed!
c. I'm sorry but I'm too busy thinking about my ex to enjoy this (tears)
d. STOP strangling me MOMO, I just DRANK the equivalent of Lake Michigan and I'm going to vomit all over you if this continues!

Posted by Broad8:42 PM
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
File under: This can’t be good for anyone, really
Am I the only one who's offended by the fact that she's allowing her child to feed the dog human waste!??

-- Poppy, continuing her rant about an acquaintance's child-rearing skills.
Posted by Broad9:18 PM
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
House of Crohn’s
Are there any dependents in your care that DON'T crap all over the place!??

-- Poppy, about one of her friends who hasn't quite mastered the whole potty training thing for neither man nor beast
Posted by Broad1:57 PM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
For the halibut
I'm not going anywhere where I'm going to be dinner. And what if a whale were to swim up next to me!?? I've been whale watching before, you know. I'd have an aneurysm ... It's like going to Mars, but with all kinds of creepy living things.

-- Mer, on scuba diving
Posted by Broad2:45 AM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
“And why do they gotta pick such stupid songs?”
If I have to see one more hooched-up girl, I swear ...

-- Snidgey as we left the IHSDTA Dance competition I covered this afternoon
Posted by Broad8:37 PM
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The one in which I laugh at the stupidity of boys
My new favorite word today: Assbag.

But I shall regale you with my tale tomorrow, for I am tired and full of fantastic Mexican food from El Taco Real. My GOD, thas some good eatin'.
Posted by Broad3:46 AM
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Crisis averted. Sort of
How am I supposed to know what it's like to date a real human? My last several boyfriends have been gorillas.

-- Mer

Talked to her a bit ago, and yes, she seems to have calmed down a bit (after calling off sick -- if asked, she's telling her boss she had explosive diarrhea, and ain't no WAY you can teach with that shit, no pun intended). Wouldn't go so far as to say she's completely together yet, but after talking to her some more (when she's not completely outraged which, though funny, is hard), I understand better where she's coming from. When she says that this relationship is the best one she's ever had, she's literally not kidding. (I mean, when Zook is considered a catch? Please.) To put a finer point on it, for example, this is a woman who's used to her former mouthbreathers calling her constantly, and not in the good way. So talk about not knowing what to do when something you wouldn't know if it bit you in the ass just took a huge chunk.

He did call tonight, though she didn't talk to him; she's decided to be a bit, ahem, "unavailable" this weekend, which I don't necessarily think is the best way to handle it, but whatever. He called, and that's the main thing.
Posted by Broad4:21 AM
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Her big, fat Greek dinner
I was too busy shoveling it into my mouth trying not to look at the suction cups on everything. But at least the fish didn't have eyeballs.

-- Mer on eating Greek food with her new boyfriend.
Posted by Broad7:06 PM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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