Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Wait ... what!?!?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Kids these days

What will they think of next!??

[Ganked from BC, even if I’m kinda at a loss as to what to even say about any of this. I just ... huh.]

Posted by Broad5:14 AM
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Inquiring minds and all that

Our ol’ friend Kaffy has a question, because she’s a heathen Protestant and does not understand the mysteries of the Catholic church:

If masturbation is bad because every sperm is sacred and must be used for procreation, what about chicks masturbating? It’s not like we’re going to waste precious seed, so it shouldn’t be bad, right?

I would like the opinions of your readers, please.

I should also mention that Kaffy wants to know how to get her pervy special ed student to stop feeling her up with his face.

Have at it, folks.

Posted by Broad1:53 AM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
File under “Sad, but true”
I think we’re going to have to put you on a work restriction about how much time you’re allowed to spend on the computer like they do for people who get busted for DUI: You can use it for work, but that’s IT.

-- Girlie, laughing at my latest examples of social retardation
Posted by Broad6:56 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Never said I wouldn’t talk about you over here, though

Seems like whatever got into Mr. Allen’s wheaties over the weekend has either infected mine, or mine have infected his, or SOMEthing, because I gots me some Neenernet drama, and on freakin’ MYSPACE, no less.


Even better is it’s not even MY drama; it’s Mer’s. See, she works with these crazy people who’ve never left Brooklyn—not even for, like, a Six Flags vacation in Sandusky, for God’s sake—so because she’s well traveled and not indigenous to the island, she’s suspect. To WHAT is anyone’s guess with these nutjobs, but she is. Anyway, so these people WERE constantly watching her Myspace page, but since she put it on private, they’re now watching MY page. Why? Because in order to practice my Serbian, she leaves me retarded little messages that have nothing to do with anything. But these people think we’re talking about them.


And once again, these are all people over 30.

One of them is freaked out by my existence, even though I live some 700+ miles away from Brooklyn. Nope, never met the woman in my life, but she seems to think I’m capable of all sorts of hooliganism. Apparently, I have nothing better to do.

Posted by Broad3:15 AM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I think I’m gonna be ill, y’all


Please tell me he’s in it for the hoohah, because I ain’t hearing nothing else about it.

Posted by Broad8:35 PM
Friday, August 18, 2006
I probably don’t really want to know this, but …

Our good buddy mac posted a little something about some broad who got busted for smuggling heroin by—get this—soaking her unnywears in it. Managed to get, like, three pounds into 15 pair of assorted panties and long johns and shit, right? So here’s my question: How the hell do you get the heroin back OUT of the unnywears*? Seriously.

Posted by Broad10:57 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
All this for one screw, and it wasn’t even good

Parts 4 & 5: “14 hours of unadulterated Zook. Ain’t that going to be fun!??”

If there was ever a time when I should’ve been blogging things as they happened, it was when she was here because I’m so over it, I’m like, I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. And I probably shouldn’t, except I have to get to the part where Mer, on her last night spent with the town clown, got robbed of all but $40 plus all her sleeping medication she takes for Epstein-Barr.

Yes, yes she did.

After various and sundry stops (and after he yelled “Hurry up!” like a fucking fool outside my crib because it was a frillion degrees and I wouldn’t let him inside), they ended up at the bar we were at the first night she got here. During that time:

1) Zook tells her he’s running short, would she mind picking up the tab?
2) One of the guys who hung out with us the first night (who I knew from my days hanging out there but only remember as Scott B.) saw inside Mer’s purse (when she was getting money out to start paying for her and her “date’s” drinks) and asked her about her medication. She tells him their sleeping pills and that she’d give him a couple before they left;
3) Scott B. decides he’s not going to wait and ganks the entire bottle along with all the money;
4) Zook has Mer pay for his dinner at McDonald’s as well as a round of drinks and a six-pack to go before ending up back at the shithole;
5) And then, when they get back to the shithole, he tells her he’s “tired,” so what she came out there for, she wasn’t getting.

She didn’t discover she’d gotten robbed until she got back to my crib—all hysterical because she was so mortified by the whole evening—so we jump into the car at 2 a.m. to go to the Gary Police Department to file a police report. Somewhere around 5 a.m., she and I had a horrendous fight where I almost left her on 7th and Grant Street (that’s square in da HOOD, for those unfamiliar with the G.I.), and by 6:30 a.m. we were back at the crib crying how much we loved each other and so on and so forth.

The last day of the trip saw me working, Mer getting her meds and trying to figure out she was going to get back home with no money, and then this saucy little bit o’ business. She left Thursday morning at 7:30.

After all this, how many times did she get laid? That’s right: Once. And it wasn’t nearly as good as she remembered it.

Posted by Broad2:25 AM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
“If I thought it was funny, I’d be laughing. Now STOP IT.”

Part 3: “I need HELP ...”

Here’s the thing I can’t figure out about EE so far: How do I save what I write without posting it immediately? I thought “quick save” did that and “submit” posted, but I’m wrong. That’s why you’re seeing posts come up in spurts these days. Also, I don’t know how to categorize anything anymore. Anyone want to help a sister out?

So now that we’ve gone over the first two days of Mer’s visit, we have now reached the point where it descends into complete absurdity. The event was Zook’s landlord’s birthday party, an all-weekend affair 50-some miles away. It does not end well, but since this is a really long, really convoluted part of the story, I’m just going to post the pictures—Lookit —and give you the highlights, namely:

1) He refused to introduce me by name to anyone, opting instead to act like he forgot it;
2) I came thisclose to throwing a bag of ice at his head;
3) he started pissing where he stood and later passed out in someone’s car (this was after I left, sadly); and
4) I inadvertently hissed at him when he dropped her off Sunday morning. (I was actually targeting my bile at her for thinking she could bring him into my crib, but he was holding the phone. It made him change his mind about brushing his teeth in my house, that’s for sure.)

Posted by Broad2:29 AM
Monday, August 07, 2006
I’m out there, Jerry

Part 2: “I feel like I’m in a meth documentary.”

Remember how I was all worried about family members finding out about my little space on the innerbunny? Don’t gotta anymore, because they found me. Not sure how I feel about it; on one hand, I’m relieved, but on the other, I’m freaked out because I’m concerned that I’m going to start censoring myself, and that’s not the point of this exercise. Really, I’m hoping they’ll be like they know it’s here, but as long as I’m not talking about them (which the rule is, if someone tells me not to talk about him or her, they don’t get talked about), they’re not going to feel the need to be here. Or maybe they’ll grow to understand and maybe even enjoy my little rants against the universe. B-Dubs (aka my small brother) said he’s cool with it, and I can’t even tell you how moved I was by that. But either way, it is what it is.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Posted by Broad1:43 AM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
You know, I like The Jerry Springer Show as much as the next idiot
but this? Is retarded.

Posted by Broad2:13 AM
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
(sigh), pt. 2
Yeah, because it worked so well when when his other girlfriend did it: Lookit
Posted by Broad3:15 PM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The mind(freak) boggles
Am I the only person who finds it sad and wrong that this jackass thinks nag racing with Mandy Moore is a magic trick?
Posted by Broad2:18 AM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Death by … not bunga bunga, apparently
Did y'all see this about how Marilyn Monroe REALLY died, allegedly?


Pardon the pun, but holy shit.
Posted by Broad2:31 AM
Monday, August 08, 2005
Life and how short it is
Just got a call from Tara: Her father-in-law died today. From what they can tell, Mr. Kingston went out to the garage about 4:30 this afternoon to get something, and it happened then -- either he fell or had a heart attack or aneurysm or whatever kills people all sudden-like. When Sean found him, he was blue.

I was over at Tara's and Sean's last night; his older sister had a Tastefully Simple party, and we were hanging out and wrapping it up when Mr. and Mrs. Kingston stopped over on their way to church. We walked upstairs and complimented Tara on her redecorating acumen with the bathroom and laughed at how Sean is quite the redecorator himself with his direction in the Master bedroom. Then we came downstairs and, as Mr. K was pulling out his wallet to pay the sister for the stuff Mrs. K bought, I went up to him like, "Hey! since you're giving it away over here ..." And he laughed and gave me five, and then did it again to make 10. Then they went to church.

Needless to say, Sean is a basketcase right now, and Tara's not doing too much better.
Posted by Broad10:15 PM
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Where was I?
I need a new bathroom.

No no, the condition is fine; I've just had the same shower curtain and accessories ever since I moved in, and even though they're cool, I want something different. I added a bunch to my wish list, so if you see anything you like, buy it for me. Heh.

So back to the whole introspection business, Poppy and I waxed philosophical by the pool yesterday, wondering how it was that her former beau (whose Sims name, incidentally, is Seth Cotis, who we've come to learn is a YOOGE icon out there on the Interbunny) got to where he did. We always knew he was a brittle diabetic, and we also knew that he didn't take care of himself like he should've, especially when it came to the drink. Always the life of the party, that one, but often at the expense of himself, clearly. Anyway, we got to talking about what would've happened if they'd have stayed together or even if he'd have ended up with someone else without his partying proclivities -- would he have slowed down? Would he have accepted his illness and taken better care of himself? You know, like the Gwenyth Paltrow movie with the glass doors: How would one different move, one different phrase, one different thought change the landscape? Is the universe predetermined or free will? Personally, I'm of the opinion that we all have the free will to do whatever and then the universe takes care of the rest exactly how it's supposed to be. Don't know if there's a fancy name for the philosophy, but there you go.

Anyone else have a thought about this?
Posted by Broad3:30 AM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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This explains that large bit of type at the top.

Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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