Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

F'ed-up family

Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Meeting of the minds
My (possible) baby sister and I are meeting for Mexican tonight at 5-ish, 5:30-ish.

Details at 11, or something.
Posted by Broad4:05 PM
Monday, February 27, 2006
It was only a matter of time
So, in all the rest of the family stuff lately, did I mention that BFKAS got Crazy Aunt a job at her place of employ? Yeah, two women who have a history of going for long periods of time cursing each other's names working in the same office. I didn't have high hopes for it then, and I certainly don't now after the call I just got from CA.

Cousin Nancy, who I haven't talked about in awhile, and her boyfriend are renting his mom's crib while she's out of state, and they've gotten their shit together from over the summer; the boyfriend's got a decent job, and it's all good, except Cousin Nancy hasn't gone back to school yet. (She's technically a junior, and she left about this time last year because of some nonsense or another.) Well, when BFKAS and I were talking a couple weeks ago, we talked about how she thought Nancy was avoiding her, because Nancy knows that BFKAS would give her a talking-to about not being in school. Then I, like a dumbass, mentioned to Nancy in passing when we were chatting about how BFKAS and I have been getting along so well that BFKAS thinks she's been avoiding her for that reason. And of course Nancy gets her "Well, she doesn't want to hear what I would say to that, because she doesn't run my life, blah blah blah" bravado up like any 19 year-old would. Long story short, BFKAS has allegedly said something to Nancy's little brother that he repeated to her, and now, CA is all up in arms because Nancy's depressed and she thinks BFKAS is trying to butt in to her business, etc. etc., and yoy! Here we go.

See, having been raised as an only child, this is the kind of stuff for which I'm not wired -- well, Ok I guess I shouldn't say that, because I do get how families work with all the talking behind each other's backs and what have you. But the experience I've had has always been between relatives with at least a little distance so you're not up in their grill all the time, usually. This sibling thing I just do.not.get, and that's why I'm so reluctant to mend fences with my sister: I'm really afraid that we're not going to be able to get along like grown-ups, only instead of fighting in the family, it extends to outside people, and not that they particularly give a shit, but still, it gets uncomfortable and weird for everyone else when you have a couple people fighting, right? I just don't want to do it.

That's why retail therapy helps. Behold, the new bag:
Posted by Broad9:31 PM
Friday, February 24, 2006
Sister, sister (Madre Mia!)
She gave him her heart, and he talked about a boil on his ass -- specifically the crack.

No, no back story here. But this seriously happened to someone I know, and really, do you need to hear more than that to form an opinion!?? Didn't think so. But let that serve as another lesson as to what not to discuss with your woman unless you've been married for a zillion years.

So, where to start, where to start ... oh yeah. I met my other half sister the other day, and guess what I discovered!?? I discovered that there's probably not an apporopriate time or place on God's green earth to drop on someone that you may be their half sibling. My inappropriate place? A labor rally at my alma mater -- I was covering it, and two young ladies from our local congressman's office showed up to offer support. I asked them their names, and when the little girl with the dark hair and groovy glasses told me what it was, my stomach dropped, because it was the exact same name of the alleged sperm donor's other daughter. So, I pulled her aside and said, "Your dad wouldn't happen to be (Alleged Sperm Donor), would it?" And she scowled and said, "Yeah. Why?" And I said, "Well ... rumor has it that he may be my dad, too." Poor girl turned white as a sheet and got tears in her eyes, and at some point she said, "My God, you look just like him." Anyway, we talked a few moments, and then we exchanged info and said we'd keep in touch. That was Tuesday, and I haven't heard from her -- at least, not yet, anyway, which is perfectly cool. In fact, as I thought about it, I realized that I owed her an apology for springing it on her as I did. It went like this:
Hey, [redacted] –

Now that you’ve had a couple days to digest potentially having a sister, I hope this finds you in a better frame of mind. I mean, nothing like long-lost relatives crawling out of the woodwork and showing up on the proverbial doorstep, right? That's what I'm saying.

So listen, I wanted first and foremost to apologize for dropping all of this on you the way I did. As exciting and bizarre as all of it is, I should’ve thought it through better before approaching you, and if I upset you or freaked you out in any way, I’m truly sorry. It’s a lot to handle.

That's the other thing: I wanted to make sure you know that just because we may or may not be related, I don't want you to feel like you're obligated to be anything to me, because you're not. True, it would be really cool to have a little sister (that I actually like -- wait, what? Who said that!?? wink ). But speaking from experience, it's hard for me to quantify how truly challenging it is getting to know people who share genetics and calling them "family," and if you're like, "Whoa! Not ready to deal with it and not sure I'll ever be ready," I could never fault you for it. This is your show, and after this e-mail, I'm leaving it up to you to contact me if or when you're ready.

(Incidentally, if you do decide you want to contact me but want to check me out first, I encourage you to do so. In fact, for starters, I know [the congressman] himself as well as [the congressman's press flack] out in DC, and as far as I know, we're all good. But seriously, do what you need to do. Nothing to hide here, except perhaps for really rotten credit.)

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

Take care,

P.S. In case you're curious, my blood type is A-negative, and I'm relatively healthy, if overweight (normal blood pressure, but bad cholesterol). You know, in case you find yourself in need of kidney or liver or something. Heh.

If she doesn't get a hold of me, I'm totally cool with that, which is huge because I thought I'd be like all, "Waaaaah, I'm cool! Doesn't she want a cool big sister like me?" But it seriously isn't about all that. From what I know, she's an only child, too, and it really is hard to be a sibling when you've never been one before (hell, I STILL don't know how to do it) and she may not want to learn. She's also quite a bit younger than I am -- 25 to my 36 -- so at this point, what would we really have in common besides a sperm donor we don't know and respect even less? I will say that aside from working in our esteemed congressman's office, she's also working toward her master's in something or other, which I'm like, "Excellent!"

You know who also was really excited about it for me? BFKAS. I KNOW, right!?? She was like, "Good for HER!" because all she's heard about her from the Fighting Macedonians is that she was trash and has already been married several times and all kinds of other crap.

Prior to all this, got an e-mail from SC. (I'm telling you, it's been a week over here in Chez Broad.) See, I'd e-mailed BFKAS and asked about my nephew and niece and the kind of stuff they like, and when she replied, she addressed only one part of the e-mail that wasn't about the kids, so immediately I was like, "Ok, I'll be hearing from her in 3, 2, 1 ..." Sure enough, the e-mail showed up later that evening. It was fairly pleasant, actually. She said that she has reservations about talking to me, as she suspects I do about her, and that we'll need to take it slow and I'll have to understand if she's guarded, but she'll try to keep an "open mind," and then she launched into the stuff I asked about the kidlets. So after I let my rancor bubble for a moment (open mind? seriously?), I responded that I was down with the slow thing and that I was glad to see the kidlets are happy and healthy and smart.

Open mind, my ass.
Posted by Broad9:42 PM
Friday, February 17, 2006
Sometimes I do really enjoy my brother
In my e-mail box today: Lookit

Cracked my shit up, yo.
Posted by Broad4:30 AM
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The fightin’ Macedonians
I met my alleged sperm donor tonight.

His mother passed away, and BFKAS* said his family wanted to meet me; allegedly, I look exactly like an aunt in their family. The first thing I said to her as we walked out of the wake:
Well ... I'm glad I didn't get his teeth.

Posted by Broad3:39 AM
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Oh, the indignities befallen a 14-pound monster
I just watched a police officer sit across from my building for about 5 minutes, which wouldn't be disturbing except that when I came back from the vet with Rube, there was a silver Malibu sitting in the same spot. It's prolly nothing, but with the latest crap coming from the Crackhead camp these days, the paranoia's running a bit rampant, I must admit.

So, when the vet walks in with a 300-pound vet tech equipped with gloves and a towel, would that give y'all pause? Yeah, that's how it went down with Rube's appointment this morning. See the last time we were there, he BIT the vet, and I guess that was marked on his chart. Heh. Anyway, it turns out that the explosive diarrhea he's been having for the last month or so is apparently a direct result of the food I switched him to, so we need to go back to the old stuff. The doc said it could also be IBS -- which in cats is often a precursor to intestinal cancer -- but since Rube is relatively young and not showing signs of being sick, it's likely not. Oh, and there's the matter of giving him an antibiotic once every day for the next two weeks, though; thank God it's a liquid, because that might be marginally easier than shooting him a pill.

The best part of the appointment: When the woman vet tech tried to force Rube out of his carrier by tipping it forward, and he planted his front paws firmly against the lip of opening. My boy's a smart one, make no mistake. In fact, I was quite sure that had I left him alone in the carrier for any length of time, he'd have gotten himself out of it. Oh yes, he would. As it was, he was working on the lock as we were driving there.

[UPDATE: Okaaaaaaay ... A third officer was just here about an hour ago, but he parked down the street for about 10 minutes before pulling away. Curiouser and curiouser ...]
Posted by Broad3:15 PM
Thursday, January 05, 2006
They’re reversible holiday dish towels
That was the gift over which I've been all worked up. Not quite what I thought it was going to be, but ... it's the thought, and I'm cool. And I think I've decided -- no thanks to any of y'all offering your thoughts (aHEM, and while I'm bitching, what's a broad gotta do to get more of you on my map besides show my t*$ts (shutUP, you)!??) -- that I'm not going to password my stuff. My whole purpose for Broad was not to censor myself, so why start? I mean, it's not like I'm making shit up. And if they go crazy, it's not like I have to deal with them. And that's what I got to say about that.

Otherwise, I've spent most of my week trying to get back in the working groove and trying to clean my couch. I've got it to where it's at least not yellow from sweat and hair goop, but it's not pretty off-white like it used to be, either. And I don't hate it enough to either chuck it or cover it with slip covers (which I've looked at, and unless you're getting them from the place Oprah gets hers, they look like slip covers, and Homie don't play that). But it at least smells clean, and that'll be good for the end of February, when we have a mo'fo blowout up in this bitch.

That's right: Mer's coming to town over her Winter break. And she's got a boyfriend now -- like, a real, normal one and not the caveman she usually dates -- so I'm sure there'll be plenty of drunken, depraved phone calls to him in Queens while she takes advantage of our cheap liquor and atmosphere. Then add Snidgey and Headcase to the mix (for the February birthdays and all), and this could be lethal. And I can't WAIT.
Posted by Broad1:30 AM
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A crossroads of sorts
The whole family somewhat-reconciliation thing has brought a new level of paranoia up in Chez Broad here, namely that the potential for them reading me and what I have to say has risen exponentially. And a lot of that stuff, especially when it comes to them, is not what one would call complimentary. (Yeah, I know. Shut-up.) Not that it has to be or even should be, because there was -- and still is -- a lot of hurt and anger on my end, and I don't forsee that changing anytime soon. The thing is, these people don't have the best track record with understanding things from my point of view, and I'm freaked the fuck outconcerned that if they were to see me calling BFKAS a fucking bitch (as I have several times) or even calling her "BFKAS," the wolf pack is going to turn on me yet again, and I'm just, like, (shudders). Of course, my panic could all be for nothing because they could conceivably know about Chez Broad already, and that wouldn't necessarily surprise me, though what would is that they haven't said anything about it. Seriously, I just don't see them getting what this is all about. Maybe B-Dubs would, and CA knows about it, but that's about it.

Last week when I was chatting with Julie about getting my vanity site back up, I asked her to upgrade me to MT 3.2, which has a password-protection script for it so if I decide to put one on some of the F-ed up Family entries, I could. I haven't decided if I'm going to yet. I mean, if I do, am I censoring myself? Would I scare off potential readers? Or would I be making an already paranoid bunch even moreso (after all, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)? I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

The bullshit has started already, though: The other night when I was talking to CA, she asked me if TOG has said anything about my brother-in-law lately, as if I didn't know that if he had and I told her, she wouldn't go back to BFKAS. No, he hasn't said anything, but if he had, the only things he tells me are things that anyone off the street could (i.e. any one of the colorful fights my sister and BiL have had, because they usually happen around at least five other people that could just as easily tell me). When it comes to the scandalous, though, like if my BiL was having an affair or changing his gender or any other personal thing that boys talk about, he's NOT going to tell me; he values his friends' privacy. More to the point, he also knows I wouldn't be able to keep it quiet. So no, I'm not a secret conduit here, and frankly, it's better that way, because again, wolf pack.

Speaking of, TOG was over last week. He's doing all right; he talked a little bit about Mikiko, but I tried to steer him away from it because it didn't feel to me like he was ready to go there.
Posted by Broad2:22 AM
Saturday, December 31, 2005
So, the rest of the holiday stuff to which I haven’t gotten
I've become quite convinced over the last couple weeks that either a) hell really is freezing over or b) monkeys will spontaneously start flying out of my ass or c) choose whatever funny little happening signifying the end of days is upon us, because my family -- real and bio -- has decided they don't really think I'm Satan's hellhound and that maybe I the space I take up on this earth really isn't a waste. I KNOW -- how 'bout it!?? Like last night, my Godmother -- mom to Cousin the Rich One -- invited Mother and I over for dinner with CtRO and her family, and we all behaved like nothing ever happened, which was perfectly cool with me.

But even scarier!?? Guess who sent me a Christmas present!?? Yeah, no shit. You can go ahead and take a minute if you need to; God knows I did. In fact, the first things out of my mouth to CA were, "Is it ticking!??" and "Ok, who needs a body part!??"

I haven't picked it up from CA yet, though I did send BFKAS and B-Dubs a thank-you. But honestly, I don't know how I feel about any of it. I mean, on one hand, I know that it has the potential to be an absolute disaster if I were to let my guard down for even a second. But on the other hand, no matter how much I don't want to -- and believe me, I don't -- the optimist in me is indulging in thoughts that maybe things could be different this time. It's so ... unexpected, I guess.

Anyway, rock out with your cock out for the end of 2005. I get to work so I hope y'all have a good time.
Posted by Broad5:55 PM
Thursday, December 22, 2005
It’s a Christmas miracle! No, seriously. It really is
Hope y'all are sitting down, because I'm about to rock off your socks.

Ok, maybe not soooooo much, but seriously, y'all are probably going to be as stunned as I was hearing this little tidbit.

Anyway, Crackhead, of the whole "climbing my balcony and stealing my purse out of my crib while I was home" summer debacle, is not only out of jail, but she's started a new round of her bullshit -- this time, on one of the younger, defenseless cousins. (Not going to go into details, but trust me when I say it's a fucking mess.) Well, BFKAS and Crazy Aunt were talking about it this morning at some ungodly hour, and the subject of Crackhead stealing my purse came up. And get this: BFKAS told CA that she believes Crackhead did it.

Read it again if you need to, beause I myself had CA repeat it two or three times to make sure I got the full effect -- BFKAS believes that Crackhead stole my purse.

Yeah, that BFKAS. The one who said I was "doing this to their faaaaaaaamily."

How 'bout THAT shit!??

Of course, once again, I became a little more excited about that than I should. I mean, her believing me isn't indicative of anything, and yet I feel vindicated even though I shouldn't. Still, whoda thunk it!??
Posted by Broad4:32 AM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Back to the cabbage patch for me
I knew there was a reason I decided I was going to become an island: Talked to CA today. Seems she's gotten behind on her rent to the tune of $2,500, and now her new landlord, with whom she thought she had a decent relationship, has done a total 180 and is now threatening to come into her apartment tomorrow and take what he feels will pay the debt, saying she can buy it back once she gets a settlement for which she's waiting. So I tell her I'm going to make a phone call to find out what's what, and sho 'nuff, he's got no right to handle it that way -- Indiana Code says so right here. Yeah, he can file eviction proceedings, but he has to go through the courts -- and his own cash -- to do it. Plus if he does, it'll buy CA some time to find a new crib -- by which time she'll likely have the money she's got coming to her, and that'll be that.

But what has this to do with me, you ask? The source I called told me CA needed to put it in writing, so guess who volunteered to write the letter since her printer's out?

It's not that I don't want to help; I mean, I rarely don't do what I can for the people I love, and I know that she's panicking right now and can't think clearly. It's just frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, guess who I got a Christmas card from!?? That would be Cousin the Rich One and the annual photo of her three spoiled brats. I thought that was pretty big of her and thought hey, perhaps I should bury the hatchet and send her one back. Then when Mother and I went out to eat Friday night, I saw her husband the LAWYER with the three brats leaving the restaurant: He didn't acknowledge me even though I'm quite sure he looked straight at me, and I know I'm not THAT hard to recognize even if I changed my hair color. Dick. Mother then got all indignant because he didn't at least say "Hello," but I was like, he didn't even see her because she was sitting behind a couple. Can't wait to see what THAT blows up into.

I posted CA's letter after the jump for y'all to peruse. If there's any lawyer types or anyone with eviction experience out there who'd like to offer advice, I'd appreciate it.
Posted by Broad5:24 AM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Now, that’s what I’M talking about
You know what I totally haven't talked about since it aired? The Nip/Tuck storyline with Christian and his birth mother (nicely played by Kathy Baker).

(Before I do, though, anyone watch Dog: The Bounty Hunter? Get a load of the jugs on Dog's wife, man! Holy crap, them's ain't right.)

Seriously, did you really think I'd let that go unnoticed? And HOPING I would doesn't count, so ...

Anyway, no, I'm not all freaked out and outraged that she told him she couldn't be his mother. In fact, I wish I could've had that kind of honesty. (Instead, I got this crap, for those of you who're still new to the saga). But it's a well-played storyline, and I'm all about it.

And after Tuesday's episode, I'm convinced Quentin's the Carver. Anyone care to discuss?
Posted by Broad2:46 AM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
She’s scamming the detectives
The detective called today; said he saw Crackhead last night. And she denied it all.

Of COURSE she did.
Gee, I don't know where my cousin thought she heard my voice, but I was at home that night.

Well, yeah, I was on my way home from [] and I visited her the one night after I'd been out of jail for a few weeks, but that was the last time I was in that area.

Sure, you can come back and talk to me. I don't know how much I can help ya, but I'll do what I can.

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've changed.

Oh sure, she's changed. That's why she's sitting in jail now for a warrant. And that's why after my detective called and talked to my aunt to make sure she was still in the clink, a Lake County Mountie called to let them know that Crackhead was caught on camera writing a check stolen from the dude she whose crib she was squatting in. Now, the dude doesn't want to press charges -- he just wants his checkbook back -- but word is my uncle's trying to find out where this dude is so he can appeal to him to press the damn charges, because they want to keep her ass in jail.

Sigh. Anyway.

The detective thanked me for the latest info and said he'd keep in touch with whatever he hears and asked me to do the same. He also said he's not finished with her yet, but he's not going to promise me anything because of that pesky burden of proof bullshit. Still, he doesn't believe a word she said, though he did admit that she's got the script real good.
Posted by Broad9:27 PM
Friday, September 30, 2005
Crack(head) is back. And whack
Hey, everybody! Guess who landed in jail on a prior felony theft warrant after she was busted driving on a suspended license with a dude carrying a nonpermitted gun stolen from Texas!?? Anyone?

Awwww, c'mon now. This is easy!

Yeah. Crazy Aunt called me tonight with the news. Imagine my surprise (yawn). So I called the detective to let him know what's what. We'll see if anything happens.

So tonight before covering a muni meeting, the Gary Bureau editor called and asked if I wanted to cover the NAACP's annual dinner, with Dick Gregory as its keynote speaker. Well, the editor gave me the wrong time for the event -- he said it started at 6 when it really started at 7 -- so I didn't get to hear his speech. I did accost him while he was heading to the can "to go pee" (his words), though, and he made some interesting points about landowners in the states hit by the hurricane. Whoever they are, how're they going to prove they own the land when all the paperwork and/or computer archives have been effectively destroyed? And because of that, who's to say that the gubmintbig business isn't going to go on a massive land grab? Not that I necessarily think something like that is going to happen, but it certainly could, and I guess it wouldn't surprise me if it did. Anyway, about the time we ended our chat, the group was singing the Black National Anthem, and so we stood arm-in-arm and swayed as they sang.

I stood arm-in-arm with a major celebrity. How you like me now?

Then I ran into this idiot on my way out of the casino. He was going in to gamble because apparently, he's gotten off the sauce again.
Posted by Broad2:22 AM
Thursday, August 11, 2005
I just noticed
that my tub of Vaseline is sitting on my desk, when it's usually in my linen closet. And my cousin and her boyfriend were staying in here.

Posted by Broad5:13 PM
Page 2 of 4 pages  <  1 2 3 4 >
It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

/> Wanna make a bunch of money doing what you're doing right now?

Hey Webmasters! - Make $$$
The Affiliates Program is a great way to make money with your website. All you have to do is place links on your site to When your site visitors click on your links and make purchases at, you earn 25%-30% of the sale. Sign up today!

Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

powered by
EE Core

script assistance by

hosted by

This explains that large bit of type at the top.

Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


<< chicago blogs >>

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Support Bloggers' Rights!
Support Bloggers' Rights!