Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death


Tuesday, June 08, 2004
It. won’t. DIE.
Have you heard what those marketing bastards at Ford came up with now!?!? The "Focus and a Dell" commercial, only they 1) changed the co-pimp on it, and 2) rerecorded the jingle to sound more like "Hey Ya!" You know, because that'll make it LESS ANNOYING.

In the immortal words of Sideshow Bob as he shuddered each time he stepped on the rakes, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuh."
Posted by Broad10:15 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, June 04, 2004
When having a hillbilly ride is NOT hot
That would be when you're driving in front of the development director of a municipality who you 1) just met, 2) think is damn hot and 3) notice is NOT wearing a wedding ring.

But see, had he continued following me, I would've gotten him back to the Cline Avenue exit, which he was NOT going to get to from the street on which he turned. So see? I at least have my lay of the land knowledge going for me. His loss, I tell you.
Posted by Broad1:59 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, June 03, 2004
My name’s Darlene. Wanna see my butt?
You know, why couldn't the guy have hit me up front, where I have little teeny rust spots from when I drove to Chicago every damn day? At least then I could've gotten a new hood out of it.
Posted by Broad10:46 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Again with the smells
Now I just got back from a lecture on the various critters in the Calumet Region, and there was another dude reekin' to high heaven. Isn't Tom's of Maine, like, a granola-friendly pit rub? That wouldn't go against anyone's principles, right!?!?!

Speaking of the Calumet Region, everyone needs to give me prayers/happy thoughts/whatever your belief system allows so that I may win the lottery or come into an astronomical amount of money before this coming Saturday; this dude is auctioning off his home and property, and I. WANT. IT. It's a 4,000 square foot home with a lake room (with shower and toilet -- PERFECT for parties); four bedrooms, including a master bedroom WITH A HOT TUB; bedroom SUITES; two fireplaces; and more than 275 feet of lakefront property in the front yard. Basically all windows, and 15 minutes from Chicago. Un. believable. And yeah, I know I'm not into big houses and all that (the whole cleaning of them bums me out), but if I had an insane amount of money, I can have someone come in and clean it, right!? And think of the parties I could have. Now, the decorating would need a little work, and I'd definitely have my one pal come in and do her gardening magic, but the possibilities ... (drools).

So, send the love, and we'll have a HUGE bash. Because, did I mention THE TIKI BAR!?!?!
Posted by Broad5:51 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, May 20, 2004
It ain’t right, I tells ya
It's before 7 a.m., I'm not covering anything this early, and yet? I'M. AWAKE.

There's nothing fair about this. Absolutely nothing.
Posted by Broad9:53 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, May 14, 2004
Rain, rain … yeah, you know the drill
Why is it on the day that I'm going to pick up my snazzy new ride and take the afternoon to get acquainted, it's, like, 30 degrees and raining? Pppppppppphhhhhhbbbbt.
Posted by Broad2:49 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, April 30, 2004
Stupid being all emotional when I’m sick
Another unpleasant side effect of me getting sick is that I become emotional to the point of what I would consider psychosis -- an extremely difficult proposition for someone who does NOT deal well with emotion EVER and tries to avoid it at all costs. So who do they have on GMA this morning? Five for Fighting. And what does Five for Fighting play? "Superman," which reminds me of my dad and the weeks after he died. Guess who's sobbing like a freaking fool!?!?

The upside side, though, is that I just ate two of the best small Granny Smith apples for breakfast, or at least they tasted that way because I haven't been able to taste anything. The downside? I can now smell myself and the litterboxes. Neither are good, folks.
Posted by Broad12:01 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Not dead yet
But still kinda wishing I was; do you know I was running a fever of freakin' 101.2 this morning?!?!?! I mean, Christ on a cracker, I can't remember when the last time I ran a fever was. Probably blocked it out of my mind, though: the aching bones, the chills, then the sweats. Kinda makes me want to wash my linens and jammies, but that would entail moving, and I'm not so much about the moving today. Oh yeah, and the litterboxes. Good thing I can't really smell anything right now ...
Posted by Broad7:08 PM • (0) Trackbacks
I have no voice, yet I must scream.
(with props to Joelle, since I noticed the FIRST TIME I WROTE THIS that it sounded a lot like something she'd written before.)

Um ... yeah, hi? Hella rotten throat infection that's making me sound like an iconic Chicago 70s DJ and making me cough the cough of the damned and spit green, infectious sputum in a can all unladylike? And making my head hurt behind my eyes? And making me run hot and cold, and not in the good, tingly way? Yeah, meet hella nuclear-grade antibiotic that's going to take a baseball bat to your rotten, ugly little face.

Infection? Z-Pak.
Infection? Z-PAK.

Yeah, that's what I thought, bee-yotch.

Can I just tell you how glad I am that my doctor has given me a running refill on the lovely Z-Pak? Because I go through this shit at least three times a year. Not that I'm using antibiotics with reckless abandon or anything, because that would be bad. But fuck! This one's kicking my ass.

Night night time.

P.S. Name the author and story from which I riffed on my title. And no googling, bitches!
Posted by Broad1:47 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
What’s worse than fire going down?
That would be fire coming UP, as in hella heartburn on top of the razor blades going past my epiglottis and down my esophagus each time I take a sip of Pepsi. Yeah, I blame the one guy for that. See, he gets this hellacious heartburn that I never had until ... ahem ... fluids were swapped. Dammit.

But the good news is, another one of my assignments was postponed until tomorrow, so God (or someone) smiled upon my sorry ass and went easy on me. Or just didn't want to hear my inner whinings of "OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!" followed by "GOD, PLEASE WILL SOMEBODY FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY?!?! PLEEEEEEEEEEZE!?!?!?"
Posted by Broad7:07 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Illness, Day 1
You know what's really, REALLY tasty? La Creme Mousse French Vanilla yogurt, especially smothering big ol' juicy strawberries. But see, I don't HAVE anymore, because I ate my last cup this morning because it was the only thing that didn't feel like fucking hot sandpaper on my throat. Whimper.

At least one of my editors was nice enough to switch one of my assignments 'til tomorrow. Now, that leaves me with THREE to do today. Hope no one's counting on my moving too quickly.
Posted by Broad3:18 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Hel-LOOOOOOOOO, Cleveland!
It's official: My pal Sammy (I'm one of maybe two people in the universe that gets away with calling her that) is hitting the road and moving to Cleveland to start a new gig on the Cleveland Plain-Dealer's Sports copy desk. (Yes, I told her, Pete, but it really IS a good offer, and she REALLY wants to get back on the desk.) Yay for her, but boooooooooo! that she's leaving, although I don't think there's any marathons in Cleveland, so maybe she'll stop with the running, already! And making us look bad and shit.

Posting will exhibit a twinge of crabby within the next few days, so provoke me at your own peril; I feel a cold coming on, and when I get sick? It isn't pretty. No, seriously. I'm rather unpleasant when I don't feel well.

P.S. Yeah, about American Idol? They all sucked ass, but J.S. has to go, much as I love the little dork.
Posted by Broad3:05 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, April 26, 2004
There IS no God, pt. 1
Right now, my bed is the perfect temperature for sleeping: Freezing cold, so that when the boys and I jump it, I can yank up the down and warm it up with my body heat, and they can curl up on either side and snooze to our heart's content.

But I? Have been up since 7, because I couldn't fall back to sleep. Sigh.
Posted by Broad10:45 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
My tummy’s bubbly. So are my toes, kinda.
Does anyone know if Skinny Cow can go bad? Because that has to be the reason why I feel like I have a mild case of food poisoning. Oooof.
Posted by Broad1:58 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, April 15, 2004
It’s Kaffy’s fault. Blame her.
I was halfway through this entry about why one of my former best friends and I aren't anymore when Kaffy sends me this thing that was supposed to make me "pee (my) pants" when I listened to it. Well, Outlook chewed up the attachment, so I e-mailed her back and asked her what she's talking about, because I got nothing. She e-mails back, "Damn linkies." and sends me the link instead. But when I went to open up another window so I could see what she was talking about, I hit "refresh" instead, erasing my whole entry. Rats. But it's all right, because after I'd thought about it intermittently throughout the day, my thoughts became oversimplified, and that made for less compelling reading.

Instead, I shall leave you with the reason my post got erased (Clicky heeyah.) And be sure to yell at her for scaring my cats.
Posted by Broad2:56 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Page 4 of 5 pages « First  <  2 3 4 5 >
It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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This explains that large bit of type at the top.

Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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