Why aren't y'all hooking yourselves up on my map? It would make me so very happy n' shit.

Working on a big magazine piece for one of our sister pubs, so I may be out of pocket until tomorrow -- 1,200 words on NWI for the south Chicago business community. Yeah, I know -- good luck on encapsulating THAT one, right? Sheesh. I may check in later, though, just to give my brain a rest.

I am Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!
Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you??

[From the always sexy Headcase]

And if I'm so inclined tomorrow, I'll tell y'all how Mother called me, like, three times about our plans for Saturday. Oy.

--Poppy, laughing at my unfortunate evening

Lemme ask y'all something: Say if you were, like, flossing your teeth and you came across something that looked like a blister of some sort on your upper gum, but it didn't hurt even after you popped it; it only bled and pussed a little. Now, say that this blister thingy was kind of large, like maybe as big as the tip of your finger, but not the whole tip (which, let's face it, on a surface area the size of your gums can look rather intimidating). Would you immediately run to the Innernet, look up oral cancer and then totally freak out and, after calling the dentist and leaving a somewhat alarming message on his voicemail, call one of your best friends at 11:22 p.m. crying a little at the suspicion that you may have oral cancer!?? Or, say if YOU didn't, would you think the person that DID is a total wacko hyphochondriac!??

You would?

Oh. Because that was totally me last night.

No, no, don't feel bad about calling me a nutcase; I've been known get a little histrionic about my perceived maladies, after all, like the time I decided, after reading a Woman's Day article, that I had vulvar cancer; that was seven years ago. And there was the time after I got my wisdom teeth out that the sockets felt really weird and I described it as what necrotizing fasciitis might feel like. (TOG still brings that up every so often, as if I said I HAD necrotizing fasciitis, which I never did. I don't think.) Or before I got my wisdom teeth out, how I quizzed the oral surgeon about the possiblities of dying while under twilight sedation. (SERIOUSLY rare, and annoying to ask the surgeon. Feel free to use it if you like.) Of course, mock me if you must, but had I not decided I had vulvar cancer? I would have never gotten to the gynie to find out I was in the carcinoma in situ stage of cervical cancer. And had I not gone to the dentist today, I wouldn't have found out a tooth on which I had a pulp treatment when I was 10 has gotten infected and I now need a root canal, so see!?? ...

Oh. Wait. I could've probably done without that last bit of info, because do you know how exPENSIVE it's going to be!?? Shit. So much for getting caught up with my bills ...

In other news, I would like us all to bow our heads in a moment of silence for my lost virginity, which got lost 20 years ago today at around 1-ish, 2-ish in the afternoon. Do you beLIEVE that shit!??

You are mRNA. You're brilliant, full of important,
interesting information and you're a great
friend to the people you care about. You may
have sides to you that no one understands. But
while you understand more than most people,
you're only half-there most of the time.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Snagged from the lovely Soccamom:

1) What is the last magazine you purchased? InStyle (What, you think I read New Republic or something?) 2) Turkey or Ham? Beef typically, but I like turkey over ham 3) Boy George or George Michael? George Michael, fer sure. 4) What is the temperature and weather condition where you are today? Butt-ass cold with snow on the ground. Booooooo! 5) What scent reminds you of the winter holidays? Anything pine-y with a hint of berry. 6) What is your favorite Thanksgiving side dish? The Hawaiian salad Mother used to make for the holidays. You know the one: marshmallows, pineapple, manadarin oranges, sour cream. 7) What is the worst movie you've ever seen? Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. And the same night? DtR and I watched Pretty Woman. 8) What did you have for dinner last night? A beef samich and fried mushrooms from my one of my favorite pizza joints. 9) Sunny days or stormy days? "I'm only happy when it raaaaaaaains ..." 10) Do you have a phobia or irrational fear? What is it? I'm skeered of heights, and with MY lack ofdepth perception, it's not irrational. 11) What is your favorite flavor jelly or jam? BFKAS gave me a jar of raspberry jam she made once, and it was really good. And not poisoned. 12) Coffee or tea? Coffee with lotsa cream, sugar and anything else to make it not taste like coffee. 13) What is your favorite cartoon character? I dig me some SpongeBob. Also? I really like the way Tom & Jerry were drawn circa the 1960s. Very mod. 14) What movie are you dying to see? My biography. 15) Have you ever made a snowman? I think I tried once, but all that going outside and playing was not really my thingallowed by Mother often, so Dad usually did the honors. 16) Do you cook Thanksgiving dinner, go to a friend or relative's home or do you dine out? Since Mother is convinced that I collect cat hair in seasoning jars and sprinkle it on anything I cook, we eat out or go wherever we're invited (provided there are no animals of any kind that possibly interact with her). 17) What is the best meal someone else has ever cooked for you? JUST for me? I'm still waiting for that one. 18) Coloring book or crossword puzzle? Crossword puzzle. 19) Do you prefer formal or casual parties? Gimme a good barbecue with friends and beer. 20) What is the best hotel you've ever stayed in? The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs. Place was fiiiiiine, except for the whole NORAD thing being right. there. (I was pretty dramatic at 15. I know, get OUT, right!??)

I knew there was a reason I decided I was going to become an island: Talked to CA today. Seems she's gotten behind on her rent to the tune of $2,500, and now her new landlord, with whom she thought she had a decent relationship, has done a total 180 and is now threatening to come into her apartment tomorrow and take what he feels will pay the debt, saying she can buy it back once she gets a settlement for which she's waiting. So I tell her I'm going to make a phone call to find out what's what, and sho 'nuff, he's got no right to handle it that way -- Indiana Code says so right here. Yeah, he can file eviction proceedings, but he has to go through the courts -- and his own cash -- to do it. Plus if he does, it'll buy CA some time to find a new crib -- by which time she'll likely have the money she's got coming to her, and that'll be that.

But what has this to do with me, you ask? The source I called told me CA needed to put it in writing, so guess who volunteered to write the letter since her printer's out?

It's not that I don't want to help; I mean, I rarely don't do what I can for the people I love, and I know that she's panicking right now and can't think clearly. It's just frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, guess who I got a Christmas card from!?? That would be Cousin the Rich One and the annual photo of her three spoiled brats. I thought that was pretty big of her and thought hey, perhaps I should bury the hatchet and send her one back. Then when Mother and I went out to eat Friday night, I saw her husband the LAWYER with the three brats leaving the restaurant: He didn't acknowledge me even though I'm quite sure he looked straight at me, and I know I'm not THAT hard to recognize even if I changed my hair color. Dick. Mother then got all indignant because he didn't at least say "Hello," but I was like, he didn't even see her because she was sitting behind a couple. Can't wait to see what THAT blows up into.

I posted CA's letter after the jump for y'all to peruse. If there's any lawyer types or anyone with eviction experience out there who'd like to offer advice, I'd appreciate it.

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Did y'all know about the place where you can get a map of the continent, and then people can plug in where they live, and it'll show you!?? And did y'all know you can make a group thing of it, so like if I wanted to say, "Hey, y'all! Send me a shoutout so I can see where my peeps at!'" I can do that!?!

I'm doing it: Lookit.

Seriously, if you never leave me any comments here, please at least plug yourself in on my map; it's, like, the coolest thing EVER.


[Idea horked from the lovely Zoot]

Why is it that when you try to make small talk with a guy, they blow you off, but when you ask them for help, they're all up into you all of a sudden?

Today was one of those days that went from 0-60 in, like, 10 minutes, which sounds like it would be oh-so-slow but really wasn't, because in my biz, that usually signifies that the shit has hit the fan and plans have changed. But then when they did -- in this case, I got a third story -- it all stopped and dragged ass. So basically, I spent the whole day discombobulated, and tomorrow's not going to be much better.

So after all this discombobulation, Mother calls to tell me about the wake she went to yesterday for this former neighbor of hers who used to take care of my grandpa when he got ill. Not surprisingly, she was on warp speed -- what can I say, funerals excite her -- but this time, it wasn't necessarily because of the funeral itself; seems that Mother got a taste of her own medicine at the hands of one of my aunts. Lemme break it all down: The aunt, the wife of Mother's oldest brother, was talking to this priest who used to reside at the church to which this woman belonged. Mother walked up to join them, and I guess said aunt decided to introduce Mother as "the sister-in-law who doesn't go to church." Now, if you've garnered anything from my rants about Mother, you know that that was the absolute LOWEST insult that could've been thrown at her outside of claiming she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night. (She was. BeLIEVE me, she was.) "I belonged to St. Tom's for 32 years and I want to register at St. Mary's but it's not like I can just get there just like thatya-da-ta-ya-da-ta-ya-da-ta ... " she rattled on the phone. But did she say that to her sister-in-law? Of course not. She hung her head in shame, and the priest put his hand on her shoulder to console her in her minute of crippling embarassment. Sure it was incredibly rude; this particular aunt caught the ass-end of my ire right before Dad's funeral, in fact, for saying something about how Mother needed to get his class ring and any other valuables Dad might've had on him so the funeral people won't steal them -- you know, because a) the funeral people would have use for Dad's college ring and b) Mother and I are complete idiots who wouldn't have thought to do that*. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy it when Mother gets to try on MY shoes when it happens. Anyway, to her credit, apparently she snapped out of it and gave a eulogy of sorts for the woman.

Meanwhile, I'm back to feeling all philosophical and weirded out by the TOG exchange, especially after watching Nip/Tuck last night. I mean, for as much shit as I allow him to get away with, I can't EVER fathom being turned on by such degradation. Guess I got THAT going for me.**

Nip/Tuck, y'all. Flabby Abby the masochist!?? If I had smiley icons, there would be one of stunned adorning this entry. Ho.lee. SHIT. Plus, there was a lot of fuckin' goin on, and that of course is never wrong.

I have more thoughts on Flabby Abby appropos to my state of mind the past couple of days, but I'm tired right now, and I got three stories tomorrow. I'll catch up when I'm done.

I came back from my assignment tonight and saw that my TV, which I left on A&E, appeared to be dead -- on, but just a black screen. (Yes, yes, I leave my TV on all day and night. You know, in case the boys need to watch it while I'm gone or asleep and shit.) Now, I know my TV, a 19' Admiral my folks bought me from Montgomery Ward eight years ago, has a bad tube (read: everything is red), but I was like, "God, not now, when I just got out from under my soul-crushing debt -- and certainly not when I'm into Nip/Tuck so hot and heavy." I flipped channels, but all my VHF channels are fine. And I know my bill's paid and current, so I called cable to see if something's up.

Long story short? I'm getting channels I'm not supposed to be getting with just plain ol' basic. Many, MANY more. The CSR didn't know how it was happening, that I just must be lucky. Ain't THAT some shit!? Of course now, one of two things is going to happen: The channels are either going to all go away and I'm going to be pissed without my Nip/Tuck, or they're going to start charging me for my good fortune, which I'll be pissed about because it's THEIR fuck-up, not mine. But hey! it's good while it lasts, right? Anything to stick it to Corporate America. And they're back on now, too.

Got to see the Northwest Indiana Symphony Chorus perform Handel's Messiah at St. Michael's Church in Schererville today, and here's something I don't get: How is it that one of the most beautiful oratorios ever written sung in a church didn't move me, but Griffith High School's band playing the opening sequence to "The Incredibles" had me in tears (and no, they didn't suck)!? I mean, hell, last week, the Lake Central Choralettes singing "The National Anthem" hit me in the chest, but Messiah? Nothing.

about the whole exchange with TOG? I'M the one who's feeling bad about it, as if I did something horribly wrong to upset the balance of the universe, and so I totally want to apologize and make sure everything's all right. I SHOULDN'T, however, because then I risk making things worse.