Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
There’s one for you, 19 for me …
Nothing like getting your taxes done on freaking April Fool's Day, right!?!? Fuck. Not only that, but I have to get up at, like 7 a.m. (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know -- cry me a river. But you don't underSTAAAAAAAAANNNND ...) to drive ALL the way down to Fair Oaks, which is just south of Deliverance Country, or where I spent last Friday, to have them done. Not only THAT, but I have to take MOTHER with me, and she will no doubt be awake and rarin' to bitch about all the crap I have in my backseat. At 7 in the morning. Let the tears commence. My accountant's fabulously excellent, though; I met her and her husband when I covered a gun show they held, like, going on five years ago (they host guns shows on the side), and they liked the story I wrote about them. Allegedly, that story still hangs in some gun shops in Lake, Porter, and Jasper Counties, and how many people do you know that can say that, huh!?!? That's what I thought.

Speaking of covering good stuff, can I just tell you again that JB is a rotten bastard and I hope he has a hangover every freakin' day as he and his girlfriend are boozin' it up in DUBLIN THIS WEEK!?!?!? (Yeah, that would be Ireland, not Ohio.)
Posted by Broad6:46 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Is it just me …
Or does anyone absolutely HATE that "Color My World" M&Ms commerical as much as I do!?!?! Gah! I. HATE. that. woman's. voice. (shudders) And MUST they play it every hour on every freakin' hour!?!?!
Posted by Broad9:28 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I swear, I didn’t make this up!
"You know, it's a little disconcerting when your cat gets wood." -- Kaffy, whose cat just can't get enough of her love, bay-baaaaaay!

Actually, nothing of import happened today, so I'll just leave y'all with that until tomorrow. Party on, man.
Posted by Broad6:16 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, March 29, 2004
You heard it here first:
"I have a fucked-up relationship with my cat!" -- Kaffy, upon getting her cat aroused for the second time in three days.

Posted by Broad5:33 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Kaffy’s new live-in lover
I look forward to the last Sunday of each month, because that's when the illustrious Emperor Warrior Kendar , aka Good King WOO!hair, has about six of us over to his crib and makes us beautiful by working his stylist magic. We all arrive between 11 and 1, and then we order some food and sit around and laaaaaaaugh and laaaaugh before he gets down to business. We all leave with gorgeous colors and cuts and highlights and things, plus I get to see some of my bestest friends in the universe, like Kaffy, who, upon losing a freakin' buttload of weight, just might have found a new boyfriend, because lately, she seems to be getting awful friendly with a relative young, gorgeous black ... cat.
Posted by Broad2:50 PM • (0) Trackbacks
That’ll learn me to eat taquitos so close to bedtime
Ok, I was going to start out by telling y'all about the boner Kaffy's cat pops everytime he gets on his groove, but I'm going to save it for later, because first, I have to tell you about the dream I just had before I got up, plus I can't NOT comment on the headline with which I was greeted upon logging on.

First, the headline (see here). Mmm-hmmmmm, because ordering your girlfriend to take off her clothes and having a dude she just met go down on her, then SHOOTING THEM BOTH, isn't cruel and unusual. Riiiiiiight. (Background info courtesy of here.)

My thoughts? I think that if you do something you're not supposed to, the punishment should fit the crime, hot-poker-up-the-ass for hot-poker-up-the-ass. So, if you murder someone, especially more than once like this idiot did, I don't think it's right that he should be allowed to choose the way he gets to die. All he's doing is wasting our money, getting too much press time, and, I suspect, trying to get some poor schmuck to write his life story. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think he's entitled to that.
Posted by Broad7:31 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Greta pissed off the laaaand-lords …
Word of advice: The Dutch Boy paint color "Weathered Bronze"? Looks great on the walls, even better in the pan, but like diarrhea on gray sweats. I'm just sayin'.

Thank God the Emperor Warrior Kendar has accepted his mission to make my hair extra-gorgeous tomorrow, because right now, I'm rockin' 'do-rag head from a whole evening of painting, and my roots are tired, tired, tired. I may blame my "egg donor" (heretofore known as Sea Hag, unless I decide otherwise) for myriad genetic things (i.e. my big ass and thighs), but one good thing she did give me was fantastic hair -- except that I've been going gray since I was, oh, 20-ish, I think. Still, good, thick hair that pretty much does what I want it to.

Ok, s'anyway, about Greta and the landlords? I KNEW this was going to happen, but sometimes, there's just no telling people.
Posted by Broad9:18 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, March 26, 2004
Extreme ambulance chasing
Not sure if it made the national news, but for you Region/Chicago folk, you know that huge accident that happened on northbound I-65 near Crown Point this morning? Guess who went chasing after the facts of it? Plus found TWO MORE ACCIDENTS RIGHT AFTER THEY HAPPENED!?!? Yeah, that would be ME. Holy shit, dude, I would NOT have wanted to have been driving north anywhere south of Merrillville today, because I'm telling you, those poor schmucks are probably just getting past Lowell about now. It was that bad.
Posted by Broad7:11 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Looks is deceiving sometimes.
You know the jokes that go around about weather in the Midwest? They're not jokes, y'all; the weatherman just said there's going to be a coldfront slithering its nasty, scaly way through tomorrow afternoon, taking the temp down from 60-ish to 40-something. Talk about a buzzkill, man. And here, I just broke out the short-sleeved PDP (as in Poi Dog Pondering, one of the best-ever live bands I've seen) t-shirt to sleep in. Booooooooooo.
Posted by Broad7:47 PM • (0) Trackbacks
You THINK you scooped me, but you really didn’t.
So today, I get a e-mail from the chick who's filling in for one of the editors I write for, telling me I need to contact her about a story I did. It was a meeting story, nothing earth-shattering ... or so I thought, because attached to her e-mail is the story the competition did from the same meeting. Now, I don't know where the other reporter got her information -- if she'd gotten tipped off to the thing prior to the meeing or, because she covers this particular beat regularly, she knew what to ask -- but there was NOTHING discussed in that meeting that would have led me to what she had.

Luckily, our reporter, doll that she is, did some folo-up on it and found that what the competition had was true, but it wasn't what they made it sound like. So THERE, competition. If you feel you have to blow things out of proportion to best me, party on. But that's why you work for them and not us. Pppppphhhhhbbbbbt.

Say it with me now: We take our victories where we can.
Posted by Broad1:30 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, love-ly day …
Does mine skin deceive me, or has winter finally loosened her half-nelson from our necks and let spring arrive!?!? Because it was absolutely GOR-jus outside today. Sure, it was raining, and it's probably going to rain the whole weekend, but you know what? That doesn't matter, because it's FREAKING WARM! Got the window in by bedroom wide open, the breeze is nice and mellow ... awwwww yeah, it's ALL good up in here.

Except, of course, for the fact that, with reverence and apologies to Dooce, my ovaries are hungry.

Good Lord! nothing has been safe in my crib the past couple days. I mean, I've already gone through a whole pack of string cheese and, like, 11 "steak" and cheese Ole taquitos (you know, the kind you stick in the microwave) over the past three days, not to mention a whole bag of raisins. Oh, and the 12-pack of Michelob Ultra? There's two left. It's a good thing I haven't made a toona-noona yet (aka tuna casserole), because there's not doubt I'd put the whole thing down. Fortunately, I'm not one of those people who craves chocolate during PMS; unfortunately, I'm more likely to crave fried cheese. Or pizza. Or Club Chalupas, which, thank God, are no longer being offered. Sometimes I'll crave green fettucine with marinara, but that hasn't happened in awhile. But the double chin I was bitching about in my driver's license picture? It's not just the picture anymore. Here's hoping that that's just water bloat ...

But yeah, I'm getting the Fever in the worst way. There's nothing more perfect than to have your window open at night, light cool breeze kissing your face, and your linens nice and cold. Yum, yum, yum.
Posted by Broad5:37 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Immediate crisis averted
Got off the phone with Mother, and I think we're finally on the same page. Basically, we agreed that we would let the banks' financial wonks tell us the best way to guard her money from the evil nursing homes, should it come to that. (Personally, I don't think it ever will, because I'm quite sure the woman will NEVER DIE, but that's beside the point. And yes, of COURSE I love my mother, so don't get all sanctimonious. Y'all don't know her, and those that do know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a family thing.) But a shout of thanks goes out to Thrifty jennifer, who confirmed I wasn't nuts about how I thought the money should be handled.

In the meantime, which idiot generic rapper dude thought it was a good idea to take Chaka Khan's classic tune "Through the Fire," put it on 33 speed and then rap over it!?!? My GOD, he should be shot. I heard it yesterday while I was out, and I was ready to claw my eyes out. How could you want to take such a gorgeous song and skull-fuck it like that!?!?

Do I smell P-Dookie behind this travesty!?!
Posted by Broad8:52 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Woo, X-Rock!
Flipping channels on the way home from the meeting I covered, and I land on "The Rock of Region -- X-Rock, 103.9!" Known for sticking with nothing but the 60s, 70s and 80s, sometimes they'll pull out a dusty that you've never heard or you're like, "Wooooow, when was the last time I heard THAT!?!?" But the dusty they pull out? "Showbiz Kids," by my absolute favorite band in the universe, Steely Dan. AND THEY DIDN'T BLEEP OUT THE NAUGHTY PART!

You know them showbiz kids making movies of themselves?
You know they don't give a FUCK about anybody else.

In the meatime, the last two people on "American Idol" sounded like ass. And yeah, that includes the football guy.
Posted by Broad4:29 PM • (0) Trackbacks
So much to do …
Ok, so I've already turned in two stories for the day, and I have one more to go. Good thing I'm making money, because my mother has it in her head that I'm going to steal hers.
Posted by Broad2:18 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, March 22, 2004
My secret (even to me) life in Internet porn
So way early this morning, I get into my C-panel and start playing around with AWstats, which shows, among other things, who's come to my site (yeah, y'all can try and deny it all you want, but I gots the proof now, heh) and who's also linking to it (such as the lovely Cornelia and Dana, a Hoosier of as-of-yet unknown origin -- love the love, ladies!). It also shows where I've included links back to "Broad" when I leave comments.

Well, someone's either horking my URL or there are freak accidents happening, because I think I've somehow been linked to several really over-the-top porn Web sites.

Now, don't get me wrong, here; I'm all about me some Internet porn. But there are just some things I'm not willing to put out in the ether, and I can promise you beyond anything that I'm not willingly putting my URL on sites about female ejaculation. So, if you see me there, have yourself a party, but it ain't me.
Posted by Broad6:38 AM • (0) Trackbacks
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
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Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

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