Still no official word if Maust is dead dead or not, but here's the suicide note as reprinted by the
. It's really very sad.
This letter will not be too long because my back is in a lot of pain (it’s hard to sit up), and there are a couple of other things I would like to do tonight. Besides, in these last two years, I’ve already written a lot about my life, and so I only want to talk about why I did “what I did on this day.”
My brother was right about one thing: “I should have been given the death sentence for all my evil acts of violence that I committed in life.”
The day after the Hammond police came to my home (on Friday, September 19, 2003), I decided to leave for some place unknown. I wasn’t running to keep from being punished, because I always knew I should be destroyed and killed like they sometimes do to a wild animal that escapes from confinement. For I know how to punish myself, and I only left that day to punish myself for the shameful, evil life I lived and because of the embarrassment I would cause the people who knew me and allowed me into their homes. But my greatest fear of suffering was for the pain, sorrow, and grief the parents would feel when they learned their loving son’s were gone.
Like their son’s (wanting to live an enjoy life), I too wanted to live, but I also knew that I deserved to die. An so I left to find a place to commit suicide and drove about 600 miles from Indiana. At the same time (I know I didn’t have the right), I wanted to see some more of the beautiful scenery in America before I died because God did an excellent job in creating the country we live in. And even though I was traveling across America, I knew I had no right to be there or anywhere — so I pretty much stayed to myself an away from other people. You see; I knew, I had no “Right” to talk with others, to eat or drink, to listen to music, to watch television, to play and have fun, and to enjoy life and live. All these “Rights” I knew were gone forever, because I knew in my mind that if they (the three of them) were not around and able to enjoy their life then neither should I.
I found a motel where I was almost alone (not too nay people around), and I would try to enjoy myself, but from the fear at what I did, that was impossible. For I was trying to hang on to as much of life as possible because my days were running out and then I would do the right thing. But, before I would kill myself I knew I needed to write a letter and tell the people (the families of the three) where their son’s were and what I did for them.
As persons created in God’s image, everyone has certain God-given rights that should be protected by civil law and respected by others. For everyone has a “right” to life.
Everyone has a “right” to protection by the government.
Everyone has a “right” to happiness and to enjoy the beauty of family, friends, and neighbors. Everyone has a “right” to pursue their God-given calling and to use their time, talent and resources for the advancement of God’s kingdom. Everyone also has a “right” to worship and serve God in spirit and in truth. All these “Rights” I violated when I committed evil acts against the innocence of our life.
In my life time I committed five horrible murders. I killed James McClister (age-13), Donald Jones (age- 15), Nicholas James (age-19), James Ragany (age-16), and Michael Dennis (age-13). For these five were very special in how they were so kind, caring, thoughtful, joyful, and loving young people who did not deserve to die.
An I have prayed many ... days that I could go back through time and undo the pain, sorrow, and grief that I have caused their families, friends, and the neighbors from their communities.
For I know these five were very much Loved and will forever be missed.
My five page letter had nothing about how I murder them. For I only wrote about how I was the most evil and horrible person in the world and should be destroyed. An I wrote about the care and love of their (the parents’) children and how sorry I felt for all the family members, and how the best friend of James Ragany and Michael Dennis would forever miss them so very much.
The plan was to mail my letter the day before I killed myself — so the family’s would know what happened and where their son’s were. But three days before I was going to kill myself my conscious got the best of me and I realized I had to go back and face up to what I did because the magnitude in the pain at what I caused was enormous and those families who cared and loved their son’s so very much would need some answers. (27-months ago) Before I left to come to Indiana, I made a deal with myself that I would come back and take responsibility for every evil act I committed in life (including the three murders in Indiana) and then right before the trial or right after I testified in court —I would do the right thing and kill myself because I wanted my trial to be for the families and I didn’t want them to wait long for the justice they desired. For if their son’s are not alive than I feel I should not be allowed to live either, and I have always felt that way.
In life, I have never had any problem excepting the punishments I have deserved for the crimes I’ve committed in life.
I’ve lived a wasted life on earth and there is nothing I could say or do to change anything and nobody wants to hear from me anymore. After what I did there is nothing else to talk about and the taxpayer does not want to hear me talking about God or hear that I’ve been praying (especially republican’s and parents and who can blame them).
Life in prison, is not what the parents wanted and the Indiana taxpayer does not want to pay the bill. The families wanted me to receive the Death Sentence and so do many other families and parents across America.
You see, the American taxpayer has had enough when it comes to murdering the innocence and committing crimes against the human race. My mother has been hoping for my death since I was a child and it’s hard at times to understand why she just didn’t drown me in the bathtub when she was giving me a bath because she hated me all her life. Now a lot of people hate me and they have the right because I’ve done some really bad and evil things in life.
An there is a long line of people who would like to see me die, but the families have a Right to be in line first, then my mother and then the taxpayer.
Dying is not my first choice but it is the Right Thing to do.
For when I look in the eyes of the mother’s I can feel the pain of their sorrow and I’m so very sorry for the pain they feel in missing their loving son’s. May-be with my death the families and the people can go on with their lives and not waste energy wondering why I was still alive.
As I pray that God will touch each of their lives with the spirit of His Love and bless them every day with good health and much peace, joy and love forever more Amen.
For the mothers I hurt the most for and I am so sorry for the pain of sadness I caused from my selfish acts of violence.
An as the mothers will forever miss their boys, their children and their sons I pray with much hope that those memories will bring them an everlasting joy of love.
Being scared to die is my fear now — as I wish my mother would come and take me home, but I do not think she will come as the time has come for me to move on and end the madness of my life.
My hope is that with the money the taxpayers will save — they will give that money to some homeless children and provide them all (the children) with the unconditional support and love they so badly need in life (Hope that money will be put to good use in helping the young and innocence who have nobody to care for them).
This was truly the right thing for me to do. An I am truly very sorry for all the pain, sorrow, sadness and grief that I caused too so many during all my days on earth. It’s sad to think of all the suffering I caused as I am so very sorry.
For our God is a God of mercy and of grace. “An with my prayer to You my Lord God in Heaven, please give me Your comfort to all those who have lost someone they love. Assure them (the parents, family members, and friends) of Your everlasting presence and love as well —for Jesus sake — In His Name I Pray — Amen.”
As I confess my every sin, I pray through Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour for the forgiveness of my sin’s and with much hope that God Our Father will have mercy and compassion on my soul and please let me come home — Amen.
P.S. I wrote my letter on Monday, January 16, 2006. Still trying to hang on to the living I don’t deserve. For I feel so sad and sorry for the mothers (Mrs. Lynn Smith, Mrs. Holly Gilkison and Mrs. Tammy McDonald) — please comfort them my Lord God in Heaven with all your joy of peace and love I pray — in Jesus Christ Name I pray — Amen.
P.S. I was hoping to clean the rest of the walls in my cell two days before I killed myself, but my back was in too much pain and so I am very sorry I didn’t complete the job. Oh, whatEVER.