Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Sunday, October 31, 2004
The crib’s clean, though
Have had me a house guest for the past couple days: Cousin Nancy, who got sick of looking at the same four walls at her crib. She seems to be doing Ok -- seems to have ditched the sullen teen attitude, at least. And right now, she's cleaning and organizing the crib, and that's never wrong. Later, we're going to cover a 10th anniversary plane crash memorial service in Demotte (NWI readers will remember which one) which should make front page, so mo' money for me.

Speaking of trainwrecks, today's the one guy's 36th birthday, and no, he's not celebrated with me; he's with his other girlfriend, I'm quite certain, although I could be wrong. In protest, I didn't send him any sort of birthday greeting, so unless he reads this (which he swears he doesn't, but I'm not so sure), he won't know that I really do wish him the best of times.
Posted by Broad8:44 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, October 28, 2004
The meeting that would. not. END.
Does anyone know how long it takes for two munis to forge an interlocal agreement on the ambulance service they want to use? I do: Since freakin' FEBRUARY, three hours of which was spent TONIGHT on stuff they should've had figured out OVER THE WEEKEND. So now, I need to stay up to write the damn story for Saturday, because I sure as heck didn't make deadline.

I did, however, see two former high school classmates, one on whom I had a gi-normous crush freshman year, and the other a huge bitch who graduated a year ahead of us. He's still hotter than hell and a lot smarter than I remember (maybe eliminating all the dope-smoking had something to do with it), but he's also married. Boo. Plus, he's in muni politics at 34 -- not my bag. The bitch, on the other hand, hasn't changed all that much, except for maybe more crow's feet. She was all adorned with a Rolex and a big ol' rock (I grew up in an affluent town, so this surprises me not), but what killed me is she's still ratting her hair all big, yanking it back and putting in one of those hairy pony things to make it look like she has more hair. (Ladies, y'all know what I'm talking about, right?) I mean, literally ratting her bangs all big and shit. Not like the '80s fan, but like middle-aged Texas mom big. I was just like, whatever. You haven't changed one bit. But at least the hairy pony thing matched the overly blonded straw she calls hair, because I'd have really slagged on her if it hadn't.
Posted by Broad7:31 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
What’s a Broad gotta do to get …
fackin' high-speed Internet around here!?!?! GAAAAAAH! I swear to God, my town has to be the most ass-backwards place in the universe. I mean, yeah, we can get it -- through Comcast, which'll cost me fuckin' $67.95. Now, if I had their cable, I could have it for $52.95, but the two wouldn't be bundled. Oh, no. So, that would be an extra $110 a month. As I got my set up now with my white-trash dialup, I pay $69 for my phone bill (unlimited long distance and local toll included), $9.95 for my white-trash dial-up and another $9.95 (I think -- I paid it outright) for my Callwave. Oh, and another $39.99 for my cell phone. It ain't right.

So, Shark Tale, waaaaaaay cute. Very funny. Of course, we spent the hour drive back listening to Ashlee Simpson and Michelle Branch (Greta's, NOT MINE), but honestly, they weren't completely intolerable to listen to, especially Michelle Branch. Nice harmonies. But I've discovered something about Ashlee, Michelle and their ilk that's quite troublesome to me: Whereas R&B singers have the ubbawubba factor, the pop princess set has this thing I'll call the Yayay! factor. I mean, I'm not sure if it's their annunciation or what the hell it is (Natalie, can you help a sister out?), but it sounds like they're adding "Yay!" to the ends of every word, and it's. annoying. But I'll tell you what: I'll take Ashlee over her mush-mouthed sister any day.

Me? I got Anything But the Girl's Amplified Heart in my car right now, so THERE.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, we need to welcome Johnnie Walker of Nite Owl and Brandie over at Second Time Around to the 'hood. Both have spectacular designs, might I add.
Posted by Broad8:33 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Everyone’s gone to the movies …
Waiting for Greta to come get me, and we're off to Dinner and a Movie in the Naperville area (Hi, Amy!) to see Shark Tale with Emperor Warrior Kendar, his baby bro and an assortment of other idiots. The cool thing about this joint? It serves beeeeeer. Mmmmm ... beeeeeeeeer ... I will love seeing a movie doing the 12-oz curl -- or several. Hope Greta's not going to want me to drive.

Btw, did I tell y'all what I'm going to be for JB's Halloween extravaganza Saturday night? A ghetto cafeteria worker. That's right, complete with a hair net and a pot o' mashed potatoes and an ice cream scoop. Any other ideas on how to make this joint more believable?
Posted by Broad2:54 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Can you ever really have enough boob talk? Seriously
Funny that Snidge would mention the asymmetrical boob thing, because my girl Laura and I were just talking about that today as I was once again bitching about my bra situation.
Posted by Broad6:19 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, October 25, 2004
Stupid new bra not fitting after all
You know, this whole big boobs thing is not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, (in the whiniest voice ever) why won't the straps on this thing stay where they're supposed to stay!?!!?? Waaaaaaaaaah ...

I did have something I wanted to talk about that surprisingly had nothing to do with my fucked-up family for once, but I'm pissed now, so I don't feel like talking about it. Long day chasing down steelworkers with Mother in the car. 'Nuff said. Perhaps tomorrow.
Posted by Broad7:42 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Beware the boogey (also, the one where Broad panders for new bedding)
If you'll take a gander at my "About" box, you'll notice that I decided I needed stuff on which I can't waste money at the moment and put up an Amazon Wishlist. Please feel free to buy early and often, especially the bedding set. Isn't that awesome!?!?! Or, if you know where to get me some lemon-y yellow sheets to match the duvet I have now, I could be just as happy. (Not butter yellow, though, because my duvet now is citrus-y, with blues and acid greens and turquoise, so butter yellow would look retarded.)

Talked to Crazy Aunt today, and she said she talked to BFKAS yesterday.
Posted by Broad7:50 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Saturday, October 23, 2004
It’s oh, so quiet
It's Satuday night, around 11-ish, and the Emperor Warrior Kendar and I are sitting around, he on one laptop and me on the other, watching Cyndi Lauper on PBS. He says this is sort of statement about our lives, but I'm not so sure.

Cyndi Lauper sure is cute, though.
Posted by Broad7:13 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, October 22, 2004
Dooce is a lucky woman
Back when Mer was in town, we were out one night -- in Hobart, of course, which if you know anything about NWI, you'll understand that what I'm about to tell you is typical -- and this dude started hitting on me (what comes next, not dudes hitting on me). I might've been intrigued, I'll admit, but then the guy flapped his yap about gay marriage and how it was wrong. (At that point, Zook, in one of his funnier moments, said "Oh no. Has she started using the hand gestures yet?" but I digress.)

What I did end up telling the jackass was that first of all, gay marriage has absolutely nothing to do with him and his life, because it doesn't; after all, millions upon millions of men were sodomizing each other at that very moment, and he was still standing there drinking his eight or ninth beer of the night, right!? But then I brought up that my brother is gay, and he was all, "Aw, yer just saying that," and I was like, "No. I'm not." He finally backed off, but here's what I wish I would've said if I thought this guy would've gotten it.
Posted by Broad12:54 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Pick yer butt, Shelby. Pick yer butt.
Last night was spent trying to get the crib in reasonable shape for White Mamba, who has blown into town for the weekend to visit family. Didn't quite get there -- he's horrified by the amount of cat hair up in here -- but that hasn't stopped him from making my life hell. Par example, this morning? In my room, standing over my bed, repeating "Starbucks. Starbucks. Starbucks. Starbucks ..." until I woke up. Then? He took a picture of me as I woke up. Then? He put on my bra.

I laughed until I peed. No, seriously.
Posted by Broad8:02 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Be careful what you wish for, and so on and so forth
Since Myllissann and Beth kind of indicated in a roundabout sort of way (Ok, not really) that they want to know how this works, I'm going to explain how finding an adoptee works in Indiana, or at least how it went down with me, anyway. Hey, it's either this or me bitching about the gray boring day that would. not. END.
Posted by Broad6:27 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
How do you even respond?
Confession time: When BFKAS found me, there were some concerns. The first one? If the reason she was contacting me was because she or a sibling needed a body part. The other one, however, came after I found out I had a brother, and it was a two-parter: 1) Was he a retarded dork with whom I wouldn't want to be seen in public (he's not), and 2) was he someone I may have DATED or (shudders) nailed in my wilder college days? And he's neither, because he's gay as well as quite a bit younger than even my youngest coed conquest. But the reason the second point was so crucial is because I found out through the mediator handling my case that the bio-fam has lived no more than a half-hour away from me my entire life, therefore making it quite conceivable that I may have interacted with one or more of them in any fashion. Case in point? When I was in college, my sister was on campus with me (albeit on a different part of campus), and I partied with quite a few of my brother-in-law's best friends. So when I read over at Mac's that our favorite Illinois Republican nitwit Keyes is making the leap to incest from gay marriage, it took me a minute to digest the sheer stupidity of his argument.

I mean, yeah, the thought did cross my mind. That being said, it was something I entertained semi-seriously for like, a minute at the bar one night with my best friend and her brother, and did I mention they lived a HALF. HOUR. AWAY? How many adoptees are that close in proximity to their bio-roots? Anyway, what I want to know is, how do explain the adoptees who're CONCEIVED OF INCEST? Does Keyes know, or did his handlers forget to tell him, that those kids aren't conceived by gay sex or turkey basters? Seriously, I can't even wrap my head around that.

How embarrassed and horrified the Reublicans must be by that moron. Betcha Jack Ryan and his thing for public blow jobs must look awful good about now.

In the meantime, I ordered me some new specs today, and they're a definite departure from what I've had the past four years. The ones I have now are dainty. The new ones? Well, let's just say they're like nothing I've seen on anyone in NWI yet. But I'm excited.
Posted by Broad5:46 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, October 18, 2004
The choice for Kaffy? CANCER-FREE!
She heard it today, y'all: Tests came back sparkly clean of any kind of cells that ain't supposed to be there! So go show her some big ol' love!
Posted by Broad11:42 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Holy shit! A bra that fits!
Bit the bullet yesterday and realized that even if I plan on losing weight -- which I do ... eventually -- wearing a bra that's too small in the cup size? Not hot. So, went to Kohls and got a lovely taupe Maidenform that boosts and, more importantly, COVERS the girls, yet doesn't look like something Mother wears. Huzzah, yo.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much spent either working all day Saturday (with a trip to Customs in between to pick up my pomegranate and pear oil and a housewarming gift for a coworker) and running errands with Greta, who I wanted to strangle by the end of the night. See, Greta's one of those who gets something in her head and doesn't let go of it easily. Par example, tonight we were scanning in old family photos so that she could send them to her sister. She'd scanned something previously and adjusted the sharpness on it, which I'm sure worked fine -- for the one photo. But then when we went to scan in the rest of them, the ONLY way to correct them was to sharpen them, not any other tricks because, well, she'd sharpened the ONE and it worked fine. At one point, she grabbed the mouse out of my hand, and I stormed out of the room like, "Oh. my. GOD. I'm in NEWSPAPERS. I've worked on publications where we've had to do layout BY FREAKIN' HAND. Shut up and let me do what I need to do." Well, everything's fine, and she even learned a thing or two about gerry-rigging photos that have been through the mill.

Oh, and for those starting their holiday shopping, I'm going to be putting on eBay a set of blown-glass candlesticks that no longer fit with the vibe of the crib. I no longer have the artist's tag for them (bought them, like, two years ago), but they were crafted by a Kentucky artist. They're pink and sage green, and they're shaped like lillies, but they twist around each other. They're very pretty -- I'm just sick of them. I'm going to put a "Buy it now" price of $65 on them, which is what I paid, but if anyone's interested, drop me a line, and I'll show you a photo before I do it.
Posted by Broad8:54 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, October 15, 2004
Dude got DOOCED
Here's some bullshit for y'all -- I have a friend who worked at our Competition. I say "worked" because today? He got fired. Would you like to know why he got fired? I tell you why: He spoke his opinion about his workplace on a bbs, and some smacked ass at his place of work ratted him out, that's why. In other words, the practice of doocing? Alive and well in NWI.

Now, I know y'all are going to say that if he were going to air his opinions about his workplace, he should've never put 'em in writing or, worse, on the Innernet, and I can appreciate that. That being said, unless an employee signs some sort of Oprah agreement that says "You ain't talking about here," I don't believe a company has a right to fire you for shooting your mouth off -- you know, because of that pesky little thing called the First Amendment and all. The competition evidently knows that, too, because you know what reason they gave for firing him? "Oh, well, your rant on the bbs was factually incorrect, so how do we know your stories/columns aren't incorrect as well!?!?" What, because you (the competition) don't like hearing that you run a shithole environment!?!?! Yeah, I call "bullshit" too. We're reporters -- that's what we do, or have you forgotten your mission while you're trying to rake in the dough that your employees will never see!?!?

Well, the competition's loss is someone else's gain, because I have no doubt he'll be picked up by someone or, even better, he'll be syndicated, and the competition will have to eat it. In the meantime, I hope Romenesko and Miner get a hold of it, and put some shame into those assholes.
Posted by Broad4:22 PM • (0) Trackbacks
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
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Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

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