Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Saturday, December 31, 2005
So, the rest of the holiday stuff to which I haven’t gotten
I've become quite convinced over the last couple weeks that either a) hell really is freezing over or b) monkeys will spontaneously start flying out of my ass or c) choose whatever funny little happening signifying the end of days is upon us, because my family -- real and bio -- has decided they don't really think I'm Satan's hellhound and that maybe I the space I take up on this earth really isn't a waste. I KNOW -- how 'bout it!?? Like last night, my Godmother -- mom to Cousin the Rich One -- invited Mother and I over for dinner with CtRO and her family, and we all behaved like nothing ever happened, which was perfectly cool with me.

But even scarier!?? Guess who sent me a Christmas present!?? Yeah, no shit. You can go ahead and take a minute if you need to; God knows I did. In fact, the first things out of my mouth to CA were, "Is it ticking!??" and "Ok, who needs a body part!??"

I haven't picked it up from CA yet, though I did send BFKAS and B-Dubs a thank-you. But honestly, I don't know how I feel about any of it. I mean, on one hand, I know that it has the potential to be an absolute disaster if I were to let my guard down for even a second. But on the other hand, no matter how much I don't want to -- and believe me, I don't -- the optimist in me is indulging in thoughts that maybe things could be different this time. It's so ... unexpected, I guess.

Anyway, rock out with your cock out for the end of 2005. I get to work so I hope y'all have a good time.
Posted by Broad9:55 AM
Friday, December 30, 2005
Elected officials are funny
Seems I can't go anywhere anymore without someone whining to my editors about it: I was covering a Lake Station Council meeting the other night, and it was running rather long. What do I mean by long? It started at 6 p.m., and when I left at 10 p.m., THERE WERE STILL TWO ITEMS ON THE AGENDA. Well, as I left (and I'm sure shortly before while I was sitting there), I let out more than a few disgusted sighs in protest. And a couple people who my editor swore she wouldn't divulge (though I bet I know who they are) called to complain that my behavior was "inappropriate."

Hmmph.

First of all, my editor and I laughed about it before I promised to refrain from showing my disgust at meetings, so please don't think that calling them will get me in trouble; in fact, if anyone details my behavior to them, it's usually ME, so really, you're just wasting your breath. But let's look, shall we, at the councilmen's behavior for a moment -- is it really appropriate for them to call a 35-minute recess during a meeting already in progress so that two of them can go to another meeting that they said was going to take only 15 minutes!?? Is it also fair of them to belabor a point for 10, 15 minutes on the money for the park equipment during the meeting, when they could, oh, I don't know, wait until it's been adjourned!?? Keep in mind, folks, that I wasn't the only person waiting for them to finish the hell up -- hell, the mayor herself left at 9:45 p.m. because she's diabetic and had to get something to eat. And let's not forget when one of the councilmen asked the council president to explain something he'd said and he, out of frustration with having to repeat for the fifth or sixth time, told her to "get the cotton out of her ears" right there in front of the public. But they're going to complain about me expressing my disgust!?? Ooooooo-kaaaaay. You do that.
Posted by Broad6:16 AM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Mikiko’s gift to the region
mikiko.jpg

The holidays were all in all pretty nice up in Chez Broad this year -- much better than last year, anyway, except when I got the news Christmas Day that TOG had to put down his self-proclaimed life's companion.

Mikiko was her show name, but TOG renamed her because he couldn't stand calling her that; she was so not a showdog. Instead, she was a crabby little ol' lady, not unlike her owner being a curmudgeonly ol' soul himself. She farted with abandon, snored louder than most guys and drooled. Man, did she drool. Drooled so much, she ruined a couple of TOG's mattresses ... well, actually, it was more like she licked them to death every time he would wash the sheets. None of that -- while hysterically funny, mind you -- encapsulated her overall demeanor, however, which TOG captured perfectly in his dry-as-dirt way:
Yeah, I'm fuckin' Mikiko. Whatever.


She had her lighthearted moments, too, of course, like the morning after the giant multinetwork concert after 9/11. I'd spent the night at TOG's, and he took off for work and let me sleep. Tradition had it that every time I slept over, it was my job to take Mikiko for her morning constitutional, so I got up and dressed and there she was, staring at me like, "'k, can we go now, Sunshine? Thanks." So, I got the leash on her, and we walked to the beach they live near. Well, at the time, I was all fixated on nuclear and biological warfare and so on and so forth, and I remember thinking to myself as we walked to the water's edge that ohmigod, Lake Michigan could be wiped out with mere milliliters of some sort of toxin or deadly strain of something or other and holy shit, we're gonna die. And I look down, and there's Mikiko on her back, rolling around in the wet sand like "Yeah. Woooooo! It's a party going on down here! Wooo!" So I said to her, "You know, your dad's going to KILL me for letting you bring all this sand into the crib," but did she care? Not one bit. Then there was the time I was taking her for a walk, and we ran into this old guy with his equally old bloodhound, Max. Mikiko took one look at him and thought, "Ooooo, a MAN!" and started chasing Max around his owner until the poor bastard was tangled in both their leashes. I said to her, "Honey, boys don't like it when you chase them," to which she looked at me like, "Whatever," though Max' owner clearly wasn't happy about getting tangled up by the wily bulldog. Girlfriend could MOVE, too, when she wanted.

There was also the time I was over and was sleeping with my knees up for whatever reason, and she was with us on the bed like she always was. And all of a sudden I felt her sort of jumping on my knee, except then it occurred to me that she maybe hadn't been spayed and ... oh. My. Hmmmm. So I ask TOG the next day whether she had been spayed, and when he said, "No," I was like, "Oh. Well, because it seems that [Mikiko] was having a little party of her own on my knee last night," to which he said to her, "[Mikiko], what did the weird girl do to you?" because it was MY fault, naturally.

I'm not sure what makes me more sad, the fact that the world lost her or that TOG is hurting so badly; above all else, he loved that dog, and there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. And over fucking Christmas, too. God.
Posted by Broad11:20 AM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Holiday vaykay
Unless something tragically fabulous or fabulously tragic happens, I'm checking out for Christmas/first day of Hanukah etc. etc. Wishing all y'all the happiest holidays ever.

Take care.

P.S. Stop by Headcase's and give her a little love; she could use some.
Posted by Broad4:34 AM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
It’s a Christmas miracle! No, seriously. It really is
Hope y'all are sitting down, because I'm about to rock off your socks.

Ok, maybe not soooooo much, but seriously, y'all are probably going to be as stunned as I was hearing this little tidbit.

Anyway, Crackhead, of the whole "climbing my balcony and stealing my purse out of my crib while I was home" summer debacle, is not only out of jail, but she's started a new round of her bullshit -- this time, on one of the younger, defenseless cousins. (Not going to go into details, but trust me when I say it's a fucking mess.) Well, BFKAS and Crazy Aunt were talking about it this morning at some ungodly hour, and the subject of Crackhead stealing my purse came up. And get this: BFKAS told CA that she believes Crackhead did it.

Read it again if you need to, beause I myself had CA repeat it two or three times to make sure I got the full effect -- BFKAS believes that Crackhead stole my purse.

Yeah, that BFKAS. The one who said I was "doing this to their faaaaaaaamily."

How 'bout THAT shit!??

Of course, once again, I became a little more excited about that than I should. I mean, her believing me isn't indicative of anything, and yet I feel vindicated even though I shouldn't. Still, whoda thunk it!??
Posted by Broad8:32 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
All I wanted was a damn bowl of soup
Before I launch into today's invective, how 'bout that Nip/Tuck season finale!?? Did I call it, or did I call it!?? I think I called it. Didn't see the whole Quentin/Kit thing coming until her explanation to Christian and Sean at the end, but still, quite the finale, a la Silence of the Lambs, n'est-ce pas? Also, nice touch of Kit being the Carver at the sorority house. Didn't catch that? Of COURSE she was; the "Carver card" wasn't as precise, and if the Carver was wearing a strap-on when s/he was raping them, it wouldn't HAVE to be Quentin doing the raping since we found out he doesn't have a weiner of his own.

Anyway.

It would figure that of all times to get the cold of death that seems to be making its way through brochial systems everywhere in NWI lately, I'd get it before the holidays. Top that with being being menstrual, and you've got one bitchy Broad -- so bitchy, in fact, that not only did I keep dramatically moving around to different seats during Purdue Cal's commencement tonight, I stared down a couple who decided to PLAY THE VIDEO THEY JUST SHOT OF THE COMMENCEMENT DURING THE COMMENCEMENT ITSELF(!). The dead fish eye. I swear, when did graduations in NWI become places for people to act like total degenerates!?? Seriously. I don't ever remember my high school OR college graduations being total free-for-alls like that. It was absolutely horrifying. One mother was completely embarassed by her sons' outburst when they called her name, because the audience laughed at them for acting the fools; the one kid looked like he was having a seizure, for God's sake. Oh, and THEN there was the shitstain who replied "Probably 'Death to Americans!'" when his wife asked rhetorically what the Arabic people in the audience shouted as their relatives walked across. C'mon, people. Where's the freakin' decorum!?? Or the better question might be, why the hell didn't I just go early and talk to the graduates BEFORE the ceremony, so I wouldn't have to deal the common folk!?? Note to self for next time ... except it was just so. cold. outside.

That's another thing: How is it that 5, 10 degrees doesn't feel all that bonechilling to me, but get to 22 degrees and I'm complaining like a little bitch!?? Ask Kaffy -- I was doing the same thing last week when she, EWK and I got together for our Christmas exchange. It was, like, 21 or 22, and I was freezing, yet yesterday, I was walking around with my leather jacket wide open and no scarf. It's ridiculous.

So then, I get done covering the commencement, and I figured I stop at the local Weenie Hut to grab a chili weenie and a bowl of soup, for which I'd been dying all day but wouldn't go out to get because, well, see above, and wouldn't you know, the Weenie Hut was closed. At 8:30 p.m. When it's supposed to be open until 9.

Clearly, it was not my day to catch a break.

I guess it's not all bad, though. I mean, it looks like we got Rube's diarrhea problem under control. Oh, and Snidgey's back safely from Germany.
Posted by Broad6:54 PM
Monday, December 19, 2005
I’ve been called many things, but deep? Nuh-uh
Your Eyes Should Be Brown
Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

Posted by Broad7:42 PM
Know what doesn’t work in Indiana tourism? Cockblocking
So late Friday afternoon, as I was trying to get my other two stories in the bag for the night, my one editor calls me and tells me we got an anonymous letter faxed to us, could I do the requisite calling on it? Of course, I said, even though it would entail contacting our venerable tourism deity. The letter was written by Speros to a marketing guy for AM-890 WLS thanking him for the opportunity, but no, the Lake County Convention and Visitors Bureau will NOT be participating in any promotions with WLS, the Gary/Chicago International Airport and Hooters Air, because it's the LCCVB's position to bring people TO NWI, not take them out. That's a reasonable position, I think to myself, even after he scoldedasked me as to why I even thought it was a story -- which, as I've mentioned before, is, like, the No. 1 way to get on my shitlist. Why do I think it's a story? Oh, I don't know: a) you're killing funding on efforts to promote NWI and b) my editor says so.

Jackass.

The problem is, Speros didn't find it necessary to discuss this with Airport Administrator Paul Karas or Marketing Director Denise Williams; when I called Karas for his take, he was quite unhappy, not to mention completely blindsided by the decision. To wit:
The LCCVB is about as useful to the airport as a screen door on a submarine.

(A direct quote that made the paper and everything. That? Totally made my week, I'll have you know.)

You know how everyone who's anyone in NWI has been talking about unity and working together toward a common goal and all that for like, oh, the past 30 years or so? This would've been a great time to embrace that concept. I mean, yeah, I get it that NWI in the middle of winter when there's snow on the ground and butt-cold temperatures likely isn't one's idea of paradise, so promoting it to a market that's surrounded in sunshine might not be intuitive at first glance. But I thought the whole purpose of marketing the airport was to get people to USE THE AIRPORT, regardless of whether people are coming to hang out in the stellar NWI nightlife OR to come visit relatives, of which many people living in St. Petersburg or Vegas have here. If they're using the airport and find that it's a gem -- and it really, truly is -- does it matter what people are using it for? And that's not even getting into Speros' presumptuousness in making that call without even running it past the airport in the first place. Suppose he brought his concerns to Karas or Williams before he withdrew the money (and I don't know how much money it is, because I wasn't able to get a hold of the WLS guy) -- is it unreasonable to think that perhaps the three of them could've come to a solution that would've addressed everyone's concerns? The three of them are smart people -- I'm sure they could've worked something out.

I repeat: Lake County, and its taxpayers, are paying this clown THE HIGHEST SALARY IN THE COUNTY for this kind of wit and wisdom.
Posted by Broad9:53 AM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Coolest song lyrics EVER
Back to regular posting later ...

"Ken," by TNP
My name's Ken and I like men.

But the people at Mattel,
home that I call hell,
are somewhat bothered by my queer proclivities.
It's safe to say that they are really pissed at me.

They always stick me
with Barbie.
But I want them to know
I pray for GI Joe, but any able-bodied man would surely do
for someone to love since i am not set up to screw.

Black Barbie, you know she used to talk to me.
Now she'd rather be
in plastic therapy sitting on a plastic couch speaking freely.
The only problem is she has no history.

Someday soon
I'll be in your childs room.
And I'll be forced to kiss
Barbie's plastic tits,
and I will hate myself but what's more, I'll hate you
for not allowing me to love as I wish to.

See, I'm your corporate toy, cursed to bring you joy.
Through divorce or death,
I'll just hold my breath and play along
your daughter's not to blame at all
for bringing these burdens upon a doll.

So fa-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la
so fa-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la
so fa-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la
so fa-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la ...

Posted by Broad10:56 PM
Friday, December 16, 2005
(Read: I DATE society’s outcasts)
Your results:
You are Catwoman
Catwoman
75%
Spider-Man
70%
Green Lantern
60%
Wonder Woman
53%
Robin
48%
Batman
45%
Supergirl
43%
Hulk
40%
Superman
40%
The Flash
35%
Iron Man
20%
You have had a tough childhood,
you know how to be a thief and exploit others
but you stand up for society's cast-offs.
Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

[Horked from the lovely Rebel]
Posted by Broad4:46 AM
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Is it wrong for a broad … (Pt. 2)
to completely and derisively roll her eyes at the competition's one columnist who, when writing a column about a hit-and-run accident where the perp hasn't turned themselves in yet, calls up a Camus story?

Good God, man. Get over yourself.
Posted by Broad7:57 AM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Dix does good
Engagement1.jpg

Let's give our ol' pal Dixon Hill and his lady a round of applause; they're doing the deed. Woooooo! And is that a Tiffany diamond I spy, Mr. Hill?
Posted by Broad7:18 PM
Toto attempts to shanghai Michael McDonald’s career
If y'all haven't gone here via Cactus -- Lookit -- get there NOW.

A soap opera set to '70s music under the guise of a Time/Life infomercial. It's BRILLIANT, especially if you like '70s music.

Seriously, what are you waiting for!?? GO!
Posted by Broad4:16 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
It’s totally a small world after all, y’all
So I get an e-mail forward from one of my pals, and as I'm looking through the gigantor e-mail list from which the e-mail originated (as I'm sure everyone does), and I find an adress with the name of the former attorney I was crazy about. I thought to myself, "No WAY! Seriously!??" And after a little research, well, whaddya know!? It IS the former attorney I was crazy about!

Here's the dilemma: I'd really like to e-mail him and say "Hey, what's up!?" -- not in a sexual way or anything, just hey! because he was someone I really did like. It's like I said, though: We broke up on pretty bad terms (aka he was a jerk, so I went all crazy pussy on him), so I'm wondering if he'd think I was a total stalker weirdo if I just e-mailed him out of the blue. I mean, all of this was, like, seven years ago, so could he still be freaked out about it? What do y'all think? Should I do it?
Posted by Broad2:45 PM
Y kant Broad work?
rube on the desk.jpg

That is all.
Posted by Broad9:58 AM
Page 1 of 2 pages  1 2 >
It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

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