Well, it totally did. Just saying.

So yeah, met the alleged sperm donor, and that was what it was. I mean, I have a dad who was a great, caring man, as I've said a million times before, so whoever this joker is not really that important to me, though I kinda dug his younger sister quite a bit. At any rate, when BFKAS and I walked out of the funeral home, we both agreed that I really didn't look much like any of them; she also admitted that without a blood test, she couldn't be 100 percent sure if he's it. And that's a-ok with me, y'all; I have enough family to last me a ooooong time without adding any more to the mix.

Prior to going Wednesday night, though, she and I talked on the phone for about an hour -- mostly about politics and Crackhead and all that crap -- and she said, "Well, now that we've solved the world's problems, you need to call your sister," to which I chuckled lightly and said, "In due time." She says I'm missing out on knowing my niece and nephew, who CA has confirmed are just the bee's knees. And I know it, and it's always kind of made me sad. Thing is, I have this urge to explain to her why I'm reluctant about that even though I'm under no obligation to fill her in.

It's not that I have a problem with my sister, at least not in a way that I hate her or feel that she's evil incarnate. We're nothing alike fundamentally, true, but that never made me HATE her; it's just something you deal with. What bothers me is that she thinks I have some ulterior motive, which I just don't get because what could I possibly want from her that I never had in my own family except siblings? If I really wanted the whole husband/house/2.5 kids business, I would have it by now, and it would be my own, not something I stole from her or anyone else. And I just don't feel the need to prove that over and over and over for the rest of my life. The other thing is, I would like some reassurance that I get to present my side of the story when she and I get into one of our horrendous fights and that it'll be heard and taken under advisement, but I think that's something BFKAS and I are going to have to work on.

So, how do I tell BFKAS about my thoughts, or do I?

I met my alleged sperm donor tonight.

His mother passed away, and BFKAS* said his family wanted to meet me; allegedly, I look exactly like an aunt in their family. The first thing I said to her as we walked out of the wake:

There's this dude who covers for the competition one of the munis I've now been covering regularly for the past few weeks, and can I just tell you about the pants this guy wears? He has a pair of brown polys and a pair of what can only be described as blood-red polys that have been washed many times since the '70s, when he no doubt bought them. And these pants are so tight, you can see his underbundies in them -- and they're NOT boxers, and I doubt they're tighty whiteys. I'm guessing they're colored briefs, and that scares me. A lot. Because he's, like, in his late 40s, and no homie should be wearing colored briefs, but especially in his late 40s. (shudders)

So, how many of you have been wondering what's been going on with the immediate members of my bio-fam lately? Anyone? It's been ... not unpleasant. In fact, it's been downright cordial. Tenuous, certainly, but cordial. And are you ready for this? I even got a birthday e-mail from the woman formerly referred to as ****. (Continuing to call her that wouldn't be in the spirit of reconcilliation, I reckon so I guess I'm going to have to come up with a less-negative pseudonym.) It was belated, but I still got one, which is, like, HUGE. Seriously. And I can't say I'm not unpleased by this turn of events, but y'all knew that already, didn't you?

There's no doubt that some of you are downright puzzled dubious freaked the fuck outconcerned about this turn of events, and you're not the only one; more than once has it crossed my mind that there's an ulterior motive to this change of heart. But I'm tired now. However, you know what y'all didn't do for me for my birthday? You didn't put yourselves on the map. Go do it.

Ok, did y'all know about this thing called The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet!?? DID YOU SEE THA HALFTIME ENTERTAINMENT!?? It was KITTENS! Glorious, glorious KITTENS, frolicking and sleeping and bathing and ... and ... KITTENS! Wheeeeeee! Kaffy and I did some serious giggling while watching it last night a 12:30, and we weren't even fucked-up.

[UPDATE: Behold! The cuteness: Lookit]

If I have to hear about 1) the rash Mother got under her boobs from using Tide with fragrance; 2) the rising cost of her medication/NIPSCO/everything on God's green earth, or 3) how black people moved into her building and ohmiGOD, how is she going to ever use the washer and dryer again one more Goddamned time, I swear I'm going to throw myself onto 80/94. Fortunately, she did not regale me with these inanities during my birthday dinner this evening, but give it a day or so, and I'm sure she'll be back to it. And I will kill something. Hard.

The ol' birthday was pretty low-key -- thanks to all y'all who remembered to wish me one. Not quite sure how I'm feeling about the ass-end of 35 (aka 36), but I don't feel any older or anything like that. There are just some ages for me that feel more right than others, and any age with a 6 in it usually doesn't make the cut, even though 16 was all right for whatever reason. Anyway, got an iTunes cert from Tara, which I will use happily iff'n iTunes will ever let me log in and use it, and some cash toward a new shower curtain from Mother, which I'm still trying to find one I actually like. (You know, from last year.) Should've thought to look on eBay first, because I've found several I could live with, and all for under the $75 that it would cost me to buy the Lilly Pulitzer I fell in love with: Lookit. I'm also itching to get a new bag, and it's looking like it's going to be either a red Balenciaga or a gold Botkier -- also off eBay, of course.

My sisTAH! Go wish her one, everybody!

[image provided by the always groovy Rock Scissor Paper]

Since the blogosphere isn't done giving James Frey what he deservestalking about James Frey, please pay homage to the brilliance of Banterist, who came clean about his memoirs: Lookit.

[Via Gawker]