Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Lemme see yo check stub (I’m waitin’ on my check stub!)

Could somebody please tell me where my damn paycheck is? For the last month or so, it’s been showing up on Monday or Tuesday, so that’s been more than cool. But now it’s Thursday, and I have bills to pay, clothes to get and company this weekend, so it probably would behoove me to have more than cauliflower and months-old milk in the fridge. I mean, Thursday or Friday is usually when it gets here, so it’s not technically late really, but just remembering what happened to my finances the last times my check was late does nothing but add to the anxiety of an already not-in-a-good-way bizarre week.

[UPDATE 3/14: My check did arrive, and it’s bigger than I was anticipating, so that’s a pleasant surprise AND one less thing for me to be freaked out about.]

Posted by Broad9:39 PM
Inquiring minds and all that

Our ol’ friend Kaffy has a question, because she’s a heathen Protestant and does not understand the mysteries of the Catholic church:

If masturbation is bad because every sperm is sacred and must be used for procreation, what about chicks masturbating? It’s not like we’re going to waste precious seed, so it shouldn’t be bad, right?

I would like the opinions of your readers, please.

I should also mention that Kaffy wants to know how to get her pervy special ed student to stop feeling her up with his face.

Have at it, folks.

Posted by Broad1:53 AM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
File under “Sad, but true”
I think we’re going to have to put you on a work restriction about how much time you’re allowed to spend on the computer like they do for people who get busted for DUI: You can use it for work, but that’s IT.

-- Girlie, laughing at my latest examples of social retardation
Posted by Broad6:56 PM
Monday, March 10, 2008
‘A-game!??’ The hell!??

Word of advice to your mothers: If y’all ever get the hankering to send someone a racy text message, I am NOT the person to ask help in crafting it. Also, I’m really wondering exactly when it was that I turned into such a huge dork.*

Posted by Broad2:47 PM
Saturday, March 08, 2008
“Like he’s homping someting, mayn”

Any of you who were thinking about sitting through all those episodes of “Gone Country” you put on your DVR, Girlie and I (armed with a bottle of champers) spared you the trouble last night. Ima spoil it for you.


1) “Save a horse/ride a cowboy”—sorry, John Rich, not when you’re wearing the skins of defenseless animals and rhinestones on your pants. Urban country my ass—you look like a Liberace grape-peeler reject. And get rid of the porno mustache, because that ain’t gonna be good for NOTHIN’.

2) Bobby Brown (he of unconstipating Whitney Houston fame) has other scatological issues: He pees in random places when he sleepwalks. Isn’t there a pill for that?

3) “She’s about three steps away from being the crazy bag lady”—Girlie on Maureen “Marcia Marcia MARCIA!” McCormick, who’s turned into this bizarre amalgamation of Christian Soccer Mom and haggard barfly without the booze. Not that we didn’t dig her, because we did, but wooooooo! Girl focused on the wrong issues when she visited Dr. Phil. And these are the types of issues that are going to get her involved with freakin’ Bobby Brown even moreso than she was on “Gone Country,” so please please PLEASE, Mo, get help. And if you and Bobby are dating, Ima be pissed, because then Girlie and I are going to get roped into watching THAT trainwreck of a show, and we already saw a leeeeetle too much of Bobby Brown without pants last night.

4) Has Michael McDonald ever played Dee Snider on “MadTv?” Or better, has Dee ever played Stuart? Because THAT could be funny.

5) Carnie rocked as she always does.

But you know why the whole thing was a total waste? Because John Rich made this whole big deal about wanting to pick the song that “had the most country appeal,” and then who does he pick? Fuckin’ Julio Iglesias Jr., who could barely sing ENGLISH, never mind reach out of his Latin love-song genre. If all he wanted was to find the biggest challenge with whom to produce a song, why get the hopes up of all the other performers!?? He should’ve just devoted the whole show to turning Julio into a country star. Sheesh.

PS I’ve been ordered by Girlie to tell y’all that the champers we imbibed last night was won during Bingo. For the class factor and stuff.

Posted by Broad5:18 PM
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Have I mentioned how much I hate dress shopping?

As of yesterday, I thought I had shopping for the wedding of the year pretty well under control and had picked out a dress that passed muster with the committee:


But then, like a dumbass, I decided to look at Macy’s again for the eleventy frillionth time and found this:

(Why yes, you ARE detecting a distinct pattern in my taste)

and this:


which I love the pattern but makes me worry that I would look like I’m wearing a tent.

Have I really been out of the corporate world so long that I can’t remember how to pick out anything that isn’t yoga pants and v-neck tees? 

Posted by Broad5:24 PM
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
“Brooks was here”

Anyone see “Family Guy” Sunday? Not sure why I don’t normally watch it, but Mr. Girlie had it on when I showed up for Crap TV night. All I got to say is this:


Stewie with his pupils blown out—you don’t even need to know the context to understand that that’s the freakin’ funniest thing I’ve seen in a good while.

Posted by Broad2:01 AM
Sunday, March 02, 2008
The weedleeee is hard to capture

Lessons learned while trying to videotape guitar sensei Jeff Massey in action when he and the band play blues favorite “Mean Old World” (originally done by Little Walter as far as I can tell, but with the blues, who really knows who originated what?):

-- No matter where you’re trying to shoot, some stupid fat guy with slicked-back hair is going to get in the shot and dance. Badly.

-- Blues songs are typically at least 15 to 20 minutes long, so your battery pack and SD card should accommodate more than five minutes.

Alas, we didn’t capture Jeff doing his “weedleeweedleeweedleeweedleeweedlee!” this time, but now that we know what song it is, we’ll be prepared the next time.

Prior to catching the band, however, I was tricked—TRICKED, I tell you!—into attending another sex-toy party. I say “tricked” because when Girlie presented the option to me, she said, “So, you want to go to Doris’ surprise party?” Here’s the conversation that ensued when we left:

Me: You know, when you said “surprise party,” I didn’t realize that’s the name of the sex-toy company.
Girlie (looking at me like I have three heads before busting out laughing): What, did you think I was inviting you to a surprise party for a person you didn’t know!??
Me: Well, YEAH. Because that’s kinda how we do it.

And that IS true: As I allow people into my inner sanctum, they just sort of become part of this big collective where I work under the impression that everyone knows each other and hangs out like one big happy. Girlie works the same way, so since we each know a shit-ton of people (and that’s seriously not an exaggeration), assuming she’d be inviting me to a surprise party is NOT a huge stretch, so no laughing.

Posted by Broad10:20 PM
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Now it’s just turning into a bad comedy

So yesterday I’m sitting in a luncheon assignment listening to a trio of legislators about Indiana’s impending tax crisis of doom when a grown man walks in and sits down at the table—doused profusely in the dreaded stench. I would’ve asked him about his cologne choice, but he kissed the woman sitting at the table with me, and when I turned around to see who it was, she gave me the hairy eyeball, and I didn’t feel like getting shanked with a salad fork.

Thankfully, my neighbor hasn’t burned any more of the crap, but now we’re back to her boyfriend’s big-ass Escalade taking up all the parking spaces in front of the crib. God, that’s a pointless-looking vehicle.

Posted by Broad9:01 PM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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