Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Out of the mouths of babes

Thursday, December 08, 2005
This is why I love my friends, pt. 8,925
Before, it was going to hard to go out and pick up guys because we're fat. Now how're we going to do it if you have only half a jaw!??

--Poppy, laughing at my unfortunate evening
Posted by Broad5:44 PM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
At least Pop hasn’t lost her sense of humor
A joke for me this morning:
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says:

Posted by Broad2:43 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
But why go through all this when all you want is a screw?
When I got home at 4am, boytoy had called, but once again left no message. I sent him an email - no response. He's online now and ignoring me. Of course I would NEVER IM him first. I even feel like I shouldn't have sent the fucking email. The RULES, (Broad), the rules. They are the Bible.

This sucks, I'm going to take some Xanax and drool.

-- Mer on online dating
Posted by Broad7:33 AM
Monday, October 10, 2005
The latest Balkan bonanza (now will you stop looking up Zook on the Internet!??)
Now, that's what you call a piece of 26 year-old ass. I thought only nerds did this kind of stuff. I didn't realize normal hot people did. At least I shaved. EVERYWHERE.

-- Mer on her first attempt at online fuckingdating
Posted by Broad12:50 PM
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Step awaaaay from the crackpipe
Me: I think she subscribes to the whole 'teacher thing' of discipline.

Her: Yeah, she looks like the good teacher type when she's stumbling around drunk, telling her husband to 'wipe it off so she can suck it.'

Posted by Broad12:48 PM
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Mother would continue to be proud
That's it. You better hide your underwear, because when you go to sleep tonight, your ass WILL leave town because you won't buy it any PRETTY underwear. With ribbon. Or a bow.

-- Him discussing my panties during dinner at a Mexican restaurant.
Posted by Broad5:39 PM
Friday, August 12, 2005
Mother would be so proud
Him: Oh, c'mon! Just go there. You know you wanna.
Me: No. There's no earthly reason why assholes have to gape.


-- Me and him discussing the relative merits of this one Web site that I'm SURE he'll mention because he wants me to have that kind of crap coming here.
Posted by Broad3:36 PM
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
They’ll call it, “A Friendship to Die For” on the Lifetime channel
" 'Isn't it just like the old days, Meridith? Aren't you happy we're putting in the tape you like? Let's listen to some Serbian music!'

"Of course, no one will know until the body starts to smell, and there I'll be, watching all of Rebecca's favorite sitcoms. Then, when they're dragging her off in a straightjacket, she'll say 'Meridith's not going to like this! She'd tell you this is just like Communism!'"
-- Mer on Rebecca's mental state
Posted by Broad8:09 PM
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Girl does know her limits
It's not the party I'm worried about; it's the after-party that always ends up turning into Studio 54, with me either doing drugs or ending up in the broom closet blowing the gym teacher.

--Mer on why she can't go the teachers' end-of-the-year party anymore.

Incidentally, she was telling me that their IS in fact a way to make a different number come up on caller ID using a cell phone, because her creepy, girl-beating ex did it to her several times after she got the restraining order on him.
Posted by Broad8:12 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, May 20, 2005
And they don’t even sell it for dinars*
So John asks me if I'm going to be staying in a slum when I'm in Belgrade, and I said, 'I don't know. I guess I'll find out when guys in tracks suits selling pencillin show up in front of my apartment building.'

-- Mer on her upcoming trip to the Balkans, where she will be taking a class in intermediate Serbian at the University of Belgrade
Posted by Broad9:59 PM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
More sex tips, please
It seems that the wisdom of The Mighty Wad is good and true: A friend of mine (who has asked not to be named for our purposes here) to whom I described some of his techniques has apparently used them on her loaver to excellent success.

Perhaps we can persude the Wad to impart with more of his sekrets ...
Posted by Broad6:48 AM
Monday, May 09, 2005
“Bad Titty!” and cock rings
Because THAT won't attract the spammer dicks or anything.

So yeah, pretty provocative title, right!?! Well, tonight was cheap beer night at the Amarillo Roadkill, a Monday-evening tradition the Wad and I are trying to establish with some sort of regularity, and while I've been sworn to secrecy as to the nature of our conversations amid the sanctuary of the Roadkill and authorized to use the above in title only, it's NOT -- I repeat, NOT -- what it looks like. (I mean, for the love of God, people. It's the Wad, fer chrissake.) Rather, think of it as an inside joke that wouldn't be funny to anyone unless you were there at the time. It's a shame, however, that I've been sworn to secrecy, because tonight, the Wad reminded me of why it is I wish he were my real baby brother. Again, I know I'm not being specific, but trust me when I say that he amazed me with his insight, especially when it comes to the SoW. (For those of you not familiar with the Wad lexicon, that would be "Spawn of Wad.")

Anyway, so the latest in Chez Broad other than my fer-real crackhead cousin showing up on my doorstep last week? Notta lotta, but I suppose that's a good one to share, right? Yeah, I get home from a drive, and I'm walking out of the can half-nekkid when my buzzer goes off. I ask who it is, and she announces herself, and I'm like, "Who!?!" because it's like, why the hell would she be at MY crib. So I peek out the front window and sure enough, there she was, looking healthier than the last time I saw her, but still, my crackhead cousin was on my doorstep -- how does one handle that!?! If you're me, you let her up for a couple hours, allow her to fix a couple Jim Beams and Pepsi and hope that the time she spent in jail actually sunk into her head like she swears it has (not to mention check the ring thingy in your can that holds all your precious jewelry to make sure she hasn't horked anything). Of course, if your other cousin is correct, all the stuff the crackhead says about jail fundamentally changing her is a load of crap and she was probably sucking the glass dick in the can during the three or four times she went in there, but you know, you keep hoping she would at least have the sense to not bring that crap into your crib. Besides, it's not like I can prove that she was or wasn't because allegedly, crack doesn't smell.

But what really scares me even moreso than the fact that she may have brought wack crack into the crib is her mad lying skillz; like the Boy Wonder, she's one of those that concocts the exact blend of truth and bullshit to get away with just about anything, except she's MUCH better at it than he is. That's what scares me the most. Good thing I used my head and, save for the family stuff that I thought her dad, my cool uncle, should know, I kept my yap shut about the personal stuff.
Posted by Broad7:35 PM
Thursday, May 05, 2005
More hilarity from Bensonhurst
I'm in therapy for having bad taste, (Broad).


--Mer on the state of her affairs
Posted by Broad3:44 PM
Monday, April 18, 2005
Think I’m kidding, do you?
You're definitely one of the coolest chicks I know. You're witty, fun, and thoughful!! What can I say, you're a great chick!! Thanks for the email! pb (opie)

I'm just not buying "witty," though. Smartass? You betcha. But "witty" to me implies someone erudite and suave, and last time I checked, I ain't neither of them no how.
Posted by Broad6:06 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Name that stump, yo
No, seriously. It's for a friend who recently had a good chunk of his leg removed because of diabetes. Although personally, I rather enjoy "Florence."
Will says, "It needs a nickname because no man should have a body part named Stumpy." The hospital staff has been pretty funny. A lot of the time in front of patients and visitors, they refer to "residual limbs." However in the heat of reading treatment plans to each other in hallways, they use "stump" as in "He'll be getting his stump shrinker next week." WS says he can't lie there groaning on the mat in physical therapy muttering, "Come on, Stumpy" or "Come on, [bleep].]" I guess. I suggested Elvis, but this didn't resonate. He said that a proper name would be fine, though, and yes, he'd want a male's. "Florence would be a move in the wrong direction," he said. He has brought this up several times, so I hope you'll all pitch in. Third prize is his description of the stump shrinker.

So anyway, you'd think this would be an easy thing for me since I tend to give nicknames to everyone and everything, but alas, since I've established no personal intimacy with said stump, I'm not feeling it. Therefore, I leave it to you to cut my dilemna down to size.
Posted by Broad6:39 PM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.

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