You know what sucks flaccid hamster weiner? A car alarm that goes off every time a large thunderbolt rolls through. Since were in the midst of a pretty good thunderstorm right now, that means it's averaging, oh, EVERY 30 SECONDS. Thanks, neighbor, whoever the fuck you are. It better not be Hooks, my slutty downstairs neighbor, because that'll just give me another reason to hate her.

Speaking of sluttiness and weiners, it occured to me as I was driving home from my assignment tonight: You know the AC/DC song "Hard as a Rock"? The dude's singing about his hard-on. All right, smartasses, I know -- "Well, what the hell did you THINK they were singing about!?!?" That's the point: I guess I DIDN'T think about it, or else I just never heard the song all the way through. Kinda like the one night when I was 27-ish, and my one best pal Laura and I were stopped at a gas station. "The Stroke" by Billy Squire came on. Here's a song I'd heard a million different times since I was 11, and while she was pumping gas, it hit me: "Holy shit! He's singing about politics!" So she gets back in the car and I tell her, and gives me that look like, "Ok, you didn't get that. Nice." You know, kind of like the one you're giving me now.

Think that's dorky? You should've seen me the first time I got Led Zeppelin's "The Lemon Song." I was 28.