Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Everyone’s doing it
Horked from Kaffy, Joelle, and mikey:
Posted by Broad5:16 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Viruswatch 2004 (aka This blows cow balls)
Man, I better not find out that Beth was sharing her death all the way from Dal-US, because I've slept for shit all night, I'm up at 5-fucking-a.m., and she'll find it most amusing because she's one of those early-riser people. Whimper.

But stuff that does NOT blow cow balls (yeah, yeah -- cows don't have balls, I know)? Chelle. Not only because she's hooked up with me, but she does all the really fun stuff, like features and movie reviews. And? Her site design's all about Hugh Jackman. Mmmmmmmmmm ... Hugh Jackman ...(slobber)

And if you haven't already read it, you must go read this diatribe by Kaffy. Do YOU know the Stripper Dance? Because I do. Now.
Posted by Broad8:12 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Wait … what?
I had to do a double take when reading this:

Lookit. (And if you can't get to it, I'll mail it to you.)

As we say over here in Chez Broad, "Aw, heeeeeeeelllll no."
Posted by Broad10:27 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Now that you mention it …
Here's what the CDC says about West Nile: Lookit. My fever was 100.0 when I took it about a half hour ago, and I've already popped some Tylenol and called my doc's office, of which the awesome cool nurse Cassie said that there is in fact another virus going around as well. She said not to panic, but keep an eye on it, and if the headache gets extra bad or the fever gets crazy higher, get thee ass to help immediately.

Oh, well. I s'pose as long as it's not a brain tumor ...
Posted by Broad6:37 PM • (0) Trackbacks
It’s prolly West Nile
Why, oh why must I ache so? I'm not running a fever, and yet every joint is screaming for mercy (or good drugs, of which I have neither).

Is there some new hellvirus going around that nobody told me about?
Posted by Broad4:47 PM • (0) Trackbacks
It’s a contest, everyone!
As me and the boys were basking in our nap Sunday, we were awoken by my second oldest and very dearest friend calling from Scottsdale. So we chatted about some old business, and I asked him if he's been reading me here on the lovely Innernet. And he says that he checked me out once and thinks it's excellent, but since he's been mired in a new job, he's kinda had tunnel vision. However, he wants to join the fray. Yay! I said, but not before asking him permission to use his name if I decide to talk about him (SOP for everyone important enough to warrant more than a passing reference over here at Chez Broad). He said he didn't care. So then I asked if he would like a clever pseudonym instead, and he said, "All right, if you say so," so I said, "Pick one." But his spazzy, creative juices were spent at the gym, so he said for me to make one up and tell him what it is.

They never learn. Heh.

So, I'm deeming it YOUR job to come up with a clever pseudonym for my second oldest and very dearest friend. What you need to know? He's 33 and vaguely resembles Kevin Bacon, except with brown eyes. (His older bro looks EXACTLY like Kevin Bacon, only with less of a Frankenstein-y forehead. Woo!) Oh, and he's gay, so gay references are cool as long as they're not derogatory (meaning, if you're anti-gay and wanting an opportunity to be a smacked ass, we don't want your kind here, so go to hell and fuck you.)

Winner's booty TBD. Name away, y'all.

[UPDATE: Well, the contest is now null and void, because my friend has decided he wants to be "White Mamba," which is an inside joke that, unless you've hung around us for any length of time, you won't get, and it also probably wouldn't be as funny. (Kaffy miiiiight remember vaguely, but if not, that's cool. She'd just roll her eyes at us, anyway, because we're like that.) As for the parting gifts, I'll ponder that tonight.]
Posted by Broad12:28 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, July 04, 2004
We bang! We bang! Cats go crazy
It's my favorite holiday, yo, so after I go me take a nap after being up for an hour, it's off to Greta's for BBQ and then Hammond for a naturalization ceremony. (No, there IS no off-time for me.)

Hope it's groovy. Oh, and unlike my other homies, I won't mind if you blow a Goddamn limb off, because after the initial sympathy wears off? I'll get to say, "Dude! Did you NOT read the instructions!?!? And we've only been hearing about this shit since we were, like, 5. Deh!"

Kidding, y'all! Party on.
Posted by Broad3:11 PM • (0) Trackbacks
While we’re on the subject of Cro-Mags and scum …
My evening? Was spent driving around in the paper's P-T Cruiser with one of the staffers in the Town of Highland parade. And you know, we had an awesome time doing it. Of course, the company only left us with a 1/4 tank of gas and wouldn't give us any candy to toss to the kiddies, but that just made it more fun, because the staffer and I are smartasses, so whenever the little shits would demand, "We want candy!" I would yell back, "No! Gimme some of yours!" To which they'd be like, "No!" and we'd all laugh and wave. We want to do it again next year, only we'll bring more people and good music to blare. It'll be fun, I tell you. It WAS fun, especially if you don't count the moments when I felt like Franz Ferdinand before those wily Serbs got him.

The part that was gross, though? Seeing DtR sitting on the sidelines with his wife and kid.
Posted by Broad1:22 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, July 02, 2004
The one where Broad almost gets taken out by a rifle
Ok, the hostage story: I was coming back from somewhere when the Saturday editor buzzed me and said "We got a hostage situation in Hammond. Can you go?" "Um, well, YEAH, I'll head there right now," I said excitedly, thinking how cool is THIS!?!?

The situation was that the Hammond PD had gotten a bizarre phone call from a pay phone claiming that these dudes had a whole bunch of guns and were holding the caller hostage. Nobody knew for sure what the deal was -- not even the cops -- but it sounded big, and the times I actually get to do the big exciting stuff are few and far between.

So I get there, and the PD has Calumet Avenue, or the road on which the incident was taking place, blocked off with crime scene tape before the gas station that "Ground Zero" was behind and a few buildings after it. The side I was on? The side that didn't have the PD's command center, where the PIO and everyone else was. So, after about 20 minutes of clearance crap, the PIO gives me permission to walk over to them. And so I start.

And then everybody on the PIO's side starts screaming for me to get back. I'm like, "What the hell!?!?!"

I run back to my side and ask one of the cops there, "What the hell!?!?! and he tells me that I needed to cross the street because a sniper was stationed in one of the buildings across from the gas station, and I was right in his line of fire. By crossing the street, he'd be able to shoot over me if need be. Oooooooh. All right-y. Oh, and while I'm at it? HOLY SHIT! So, I cross the street. And as I'm walking, this NWI hillbilly gaper sitting in his pickup truck says to me, "Excuse me, ma'am, but that was the bravest thing I think I've ever seen." Ma'am my ass, I thought to myself, but I thanked him and got over to the command center without incident.

The coolest thing about the whole ordeal? Watching the SWAT team storm the house in riot gear. THAT was bad. ass. They yanked out four scum bags without incident.
Posted by Broad8:14 PM • (0) Trackbacks
You don’t say …
I'll get to the hostage situation later, but first I have to talk about the debacle that was Jack Ryan on GMA this morning. So he gets on with Diane Sawyer, and they talk about how he would fight for the right to keep certain things private, like, say, divorce records and stuff. As y'all know, he was dismissed from his bid for U.S. Senator from Illinois because his previously sealed divorce records said, upon unsealing, that Jack took his former wife, Jeri, three different times to sex clubs and expected her to join him in public inflagrante delicto, or worse. You know how he billed this? He called it the "sexless sex scandal," which is true enough, but then -- THEN! -- you know what he said!?!? "She was my wife," as if the fact that they were married automatically made it Ok for him to take her to places she clearly did NOT want to go to do things she clearly did NOT want to do.

Now, having never been married, maybe the married folk can speak to this, but I would think that if your spouse objects to a certain practice once, taking him or her to the place that he or she objects to is not going to change his or her mind -- I mean, unless y'all have talked about it prior and agreed that that's what both of you want, of course, but I'm guessing that since the Ryans ended up divorcing, there wasn't a whole lot of talking going on. But I was like, "What a cro-mag."

As for his posture that "if we keep digging into the lives of people the way we do, then no good candidates will want to run for office," he's probably right. But here's my question: Was he of the same opinion when everybody went all apeshit over Clinton and the blowjob? Because remember, if this is the standard that you set, it applies to EVERY. ONE.
Posted by Broad2:46 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Idn’t she cuuuuuuute? Pt. 1
While we're on the subject of cops, here's a funny story: I remember covering the opening of Hammond's new police station two years ago. Total state of the art, with Big Brother cameras and everything. I walk into one of the cells, which look like something out of a brain garage, and I see that one bed is a concrete slab, while the top bunk is stainless steel. No pillows, blankets, nothing. Steel toilet, and I don't even think there was TP. So I look at the cops giving me the tour and I say "They don't even get mattresses? Isn't that a little barbaric?"

And the cops look at each other, and then they look me, and they start laughing. Not quite hysterically, but enough that I was like, "What!?"

The one, who just made an outSTANDING arrest the other day by getting a scum-sucking serial rapist off the streets, explained that, well, they can't have things like mattresses or pillows or blankets because there are many ways to kill yourself in jail, and any superfluous items in the cell only heightens the chance that some idiot's going to do something to himself or his cellmate. And anyways, the whole point of jail is IT'S JAIL. It's not supposed to be comfy. Point well taken, obviously.

Next up? The story of when I covered a hostage situation. That was also two years ago.
Posted by Broad3:19 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Read between the lines, yo
For your outrage, I give you my. BIG. STORY:
Posted by Broad1:00 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog!
(said as a chant, like in "Requiem for a Dream" during the ass-to-ass scene where all those dudes were yelling, "Cum!")

Ok, so I think my pal Kaffy needs to get herself a blog. She and I were talking about this last night. I mean, for Chrissakes, she's freakin' MENSA-geek smart, she's lost 66 pounds (and counting!) off WW over the past year, she's a cancer survivor (thyroid, if you must know -- she's got this wicked scar on her neck that we spent many an hour thinking up creative comebacks for the smacked asses who ask her "What happened to your neck?"), AND she gives her cat wood. That's blogging GOLD right there. But she's not listening to me. So, it's up to y'all to start putting the heat on Ms. Kaffy to get thee to a blog template and start SHARING.

Speaking of sharing, the big article will be posted before I leave for an assignment later. I couldn't write it exactly the way I wanted to, but it's STILL big. I'm pretty psyched about it.

With that, I leave you with reason #15 on why Kaffy needs to blog: Her poetry!
Posted by Broad3:24 AM • (0) Trackbacks
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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