Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Always the first snow*
Poppy called: Puff died this morning about 4:30. She's not quite sure if he was in any pain, though she was pretty sure he was awfully uncomfortable at times, and it just kept getting worse. But she was with him; the vet people got her up when it was time. (And I'm totally going to get the name of the clinic she went to so I can pimp them out; she said his care was exemplary. It's in Franklin Park, Ill., is all I know.)

She's going to send me a picture a little later, so I'll post it.
Posted by Broad3:40 PM
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Doncha wish you were me right now?
Mother just called for the 5th time today. This call, she wanted to know if I'd made reservations for Thanksgiving yet. Because she's only reminded every conversation we've had since this weekend.

Seriously, wanna trade?
Posted by Broad10:11 PM
Is it disturbing
that I can't get enough of the gyros I'm having for lunch and am fighting off the urge to rub it all over my naked bod? Just curious.
Posted by Broad6:41 PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
An impassioned plea from the blogosphere
Heard from Deb of Debutaunt fame yesterday; not sure if y'all heard, but she recently got diagnosed with leukemia. She fully intends to kick its ass, you see, but like most of the rest of the world, she has crappy insurance and will have to come up with more than $800 per month on top of all her other bills. Therefore, if you're so inclined, please go here -- Lookit -- and find out where you can slip her a few bucks to get by.
Posted by Broad8:47 PM
She be going to the big leagues
Got off the phone with Sammy about a half-hour ago, and our friend has just accepted the offer to join the NYT SPORTS COPY DESK.

Let that sink in a moment, yo. THE NYT SPORTS COPY DESK. NYT.

I can't tell you how excited and proud I am. This is HUGE, especially since Sammy's a native New Yorker and I now have a second place to stay when out there.

Our baby's all growed up now, (sniff, sniff).
Posted by Broad3:57 PM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
At least Pop hasn’t lost her sense of humor
A joke for me this morning:
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says:

Posted by Broad10:43 PM
Can I have a mimosa NOW, please!??
Today, I have to take Mother to the 50th wedding anniversary for her cousin, who she had a huge fight with last year with the cousin telling her she hated her and hopes she dies, etc. Mother was invited to this shindig because she stood up to their wedding 50 years ago. (In cousin's defense, she was in the process of quitting smoking after 60 some years, so she may not have been in her right mind. Nevertheless, the fight was unprovoked by Mother, and I can appreciate that Mother is a little apprehensive about going.)

Anyway, here's a sample of what I have waiting for me when I pick her up:

Her: Do I have to take my raincoat?
Me: Well, yeah. It's windy, and the temp's going to drop.
Her: But I don't know how I'm going to carry the present and my blazer; I don't want to get my blouse wrinkled.
Me: Um ... just put the raincoat over the bla ... why would you worry about getting your blouse wrinkled if you're going to be wearing a blazer over it? [NOTE: Mother's raincoat is a very stylish London Fog that, because of its shape, looks sort of like one of those structures that houses snow salt. Which means the blazer would fit fine underneath the coat.]
Her: I don't care if it gets wrinkled once I have the blazer on ...


Pray for me, everyone.
Posted by Broad3:00 PM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
We’re rootin’ for you, Poofledy Hoofledy
There's a little sadness in the feline world this weekend: Poppy's oldest and most favoritest baby, Puff (aka Herr Puffen Huffen), has advanced kidney cancer. The good news is, Pop took him to a vet oncologist on Thursday, and with chemo, he has a 70 percent chance of going into remission and hanging out for a few more years. The not-so-good news is, he has to get through until Monday to wait for the biopsy results and start treatment, and he's not doing great. He's not on death's door or anything -- at least, I don't think -- but I went over there yesterday to help Pop administer a fluid IV for him, and he's down to, like, 7 pounds, wants to eat but can't and has really raspy breathing. He jumped right into my arms and cuddled with me, though, so I want to believe he's got some fight left in him, if not for anything else than for Pop's sake, because she a mess right now. And I can't blame her; when it's the Rube's time, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, I raised him from two weeks old, so he's MY BABY.

Anyway, good thoughts to Puff, por favor.


[UPDATE 11/12: Talked to Poppy earlier -- Puff is hanging in much better than expected. This morning, he got up in bed with her, and he's definitely interested in eating though he can't swallow; she's been making him mush and feeding him through an eyedropper. He also gave the vet techs hell today when they hooked him up to the fluid IV, so THAT'S the Puff we know and love.]
Posted by Broad2:41 AM
Friday, November 11, 2005
“Children are our future, but today belongs to ME!”
Watching a bunch of middle-aged teachers trying to learn West African dancing tonight was pretty damn hilarious, I must say. Different syncopation, my ass -- even I could figure out how it went. Or maybe it's just the repressed drummer girl in me.

So, did I tell y'all about taking Mother to get her flu shot a week or so ago? No no, nothing particularly remarkable about it except for these two Mexican women who brought a Satan spawn of hell into the waiting room. Now, I'll point out that we had to be up early to get Mother there for me to work the rest of the day, so clearly my happy wasn't firing on all pistons. But these two started chattering away loudly in Spanish, and the kid started screaming for whatever reason. Well, you'd have thought someone was stabbing me in the head with a spoon, because I'm quite sure my blood pressure went up and I had steam coming out of my ears. I tried shushing them first, and that worked for about two minutes before the brat started howling again. So after giving them the hairy eyeball for awhile, I made a production of getting up out of my seat and moving to the other side of the waiting room, and that shut them up long enough for Mother to have gotten her shot.

The reason I bring this up? Chicago trixie moms are having a hemorrhage at a bakery/coffe shop owner for putting a sign up in his shop that asks them to make sure their children are using their "indoor voices": Lookit.

Now, when I was a wee broad, it was tradition that on Fridays, the folks would pick me up from school, then pick up my grandmother (the one I hated, of course, and who hated me back with equal ardor) and we'd go to Baker's Square when it was known as Poppin' Fresh, or perhaps Steffie & Joe's in Highland, which is now a parking lot on the corner of Highway and Kennedy. So we'd go and enjoy our dinner, and in order to keep me quiet, the folks would allow me to make "lemonade" with the water (read: pour as much salt, pepper, sugar and lemon into my water as possible. It was pretty). Either that or they'd let me bring in a book of some sort, but there was no crawling under the table or looking over the side of the booth at the neighbors or any other such nonsense; if there was, I'd have had a foot up my ass. So would someone like to tell me why it's so offensive to ask these parents to control their children? It's not like the guy is even being a jerk about it, but here are all these women talking about boycotting the joint. I don't think it's too much to ask that if you're child is acting a fool, get him or her out of the situation.*
Posted by Broad2:34 AM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
You did NOT tell me skip that doughnut, did you?
So at the airport meeting this morning, one of the board members says to me as I went to see what was left in the Dunkin' Donuts box they always supply for the meetings, "Hey, you don't need that!" in a kidding-yet-not-really voice, right? So I stopped for a minute and then sweetly said back, "So what're you trying to say, there, (smug jackass who I hated back in college)?" thinking that would shut his cakehole. It didn't: "Just trying to keep everyone healthy, here." And then -- THEN -- fucker has the nerve to say to me, "Oh, so you did take something." Yeah, I took the jelly one, assface.

Wtf, old man? Could you BE any ruder? Sheesh.

You know who's not rude and totally cool and wonderful? Shelly at 45th Optical in Munster. Know why? Because the minute we decided the bitchin' new frames I got last year were totally hot, she took them off the shelves so no one else could copy me. She does that for clients SHE LIKES, you know. How awesome is THAT? So yeah, 45th Optical in Munster for your optometric needs, yo. You might not get my badass frames, but you'll get something just as cool.
Posted by Broad10:08 PM
Monday, November 07, 2005
Have I dated that guy?
If Mother is difficult to deal with when I'm firing on all pistons, believe me when I tell you she's downright unbearable when I feel like shit warmed-over. I take her to Strack's to get some groceries, and this woman came up to me and started making polite conversation in the deli line. Well, Mother, who was previously in the bakery line, comes barreling up and talking right over the woman about how she wants "five slices of chicken roll" and how "Wait, chicken breast isn't the same thing as chicken roll!" and ohmifuckingGOD, will you stop behaving like an 8 year-old already!?

Not sure if any of y'all pay attention to New York media like I do, but there's a story out about a free-lancer who's been arrested for impersonating a firefighter and sexually assaulting a co-worker of his ex-girlfriend for 13 hours after setting a small fire in her apartment building and holding her hostage: Lookit. Authorities have pegged this guy, whose star once shone bright but then hit the skids, right? Well, this guy's got a rap sheet, and on it is how he stalked and tormented his former girlfriend for, like, two years. Even better? He kept a couple blog-like up things about it -- cleverly hidden in a Web site about a play he'd written. Here's one of them -- Lookit -- and on it is the link to the other one. Just ... wow. If the guy wasn't so fucked up, you'd almost have to admire his writing. Goes to show you what too much intelligence can do to a person sometimes.

[Link via Editrix]
Posted by Broad10:05 PM
“They spread rose petals on their pillows and go ‘Meeeeee!’ “
Anyone familiar with comedian Louis CK? I was over at Tara and Sean's Saturday night, and we watched him on one of their 16 HBO channels. He does this whole bit about how guys can't masturbate in their own homes after they get married, but women get to make this big production of it, which I was kind of like, "Um ... noooo, I don't think I've ever made a big production of my masturbatory proclivities." But the visual was priceless, especially the one of him hiding behind the water boiler in the basement to toss one off. His deadpan delivery reminds me much of our good friend Opie ... or maybe it's that both of them have red hair. Still, good stuff., that.

There's some dude walking around the cul-de-sac with what looks like a manilla folder packed with stuff. Wonder what his story is, but not so much that I'll answer the door if he comes a-ringing; ol' girl's gotta take a nap.
Posted by Broad5:21 PM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Have y’all tried that new stuff by Downy?
The fabric softener that smells like vanilla and lavender? Ohmigod, I'm in LOVE. Don't know how soft it makes my clothes, but it smells really good.

In the meantime, I should've realized the low-grade headache I had in my face the other day was a sign of things to come; my throat's sore and I'm sneezing like crazy. Crap. Because I needed to get some sort of creeping crud.

And for the curious, TOG is in fact alive and well, as is his libido, of which I REALLY hope to be taking advantage soonest ...
Posted by Broad11:19 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I went to the bariatric fashon show luncheon, and all I got was a ham sandwich and fruit
See, the thing about my job is, I don't make a whole lot of money doing it. But my perks can't be beat, and one of those perks, besides working in my jammies and talking to rockstars, is free lunches at swanky places. So when I go to cover a luncheon, I can expect at the very least some sort of fancy chicken thing with veggies and dessert, and if I'm REAL lucky, I get beef medallions or beef tenderloin like I did the other night.

Not today, though. In the spirit of healthy eating, all that was provided were ham and turkey sandwiches, fruit and some sort of soup that scared me when I looked at it. (It was the color of chicken broth, yet it was cloudy and sort of thick, and I couldn't see anything resembling vegetables or meat. For all I know, it could've been chicken-flavored Cream of Wheat.)

Sigh.

The real gyp? The models who were showing off their fantastic weight losses got meatballs in red sauce and veggies and dip in THEIR quarters.
Posted by Broad9:43 PM
Friday, November 04, 2005
An intervention of one
Things have been a little drama-ridden up in Chez Broad over the past couple days -- nay, weeks. I just haven't talked about it here.

The deal, if you haven't read about in other places, is that I had to tell someone I hold dear to me that I have to keep my distance while they're atttempting to work out some serious shit. It's not because I don't love them or want them in my life; it's that I physically and emotionally cannot watch them do what they're doing to themselves and the people they love anymore. Outside of profoundly sad, the whole thing makes me violently angry in ways that I haven't been in I don't remember when, and I'm not willing to put myself through that anymore. I mean, and I can bear a shit ton of weighty matters -- more than most people, I would say -- and I do it gladly when I'm not forced to, too (i.e. Mother). Thing is, you can't help someone if they're not listening, and like all people who think they have the answers, I'd hoped that my stepping away would turn on the lightbulb for the person. It hasn't. So now, all I can do is hope that at least some of the things I said were taken to heart and that they will stop happening right now, regardless of anything else.

It wasn't at all an easy decision to make. However, to paraphrase the great Dr. Phil from a book that became my bible in my crazy pussy days, there comes a point where I would rather be healthy and alone than sick with someone else.
Posted by Broad4:26 PM
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...


The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:



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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

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Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

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