You can build your own weiner there! With a BARBIE HEAD!
Oh, whatEVER.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

1) My uncle once: made fun of my grandfather for not wearing his false teeth, but now very rarely wears his own. 2) Never in my life: will I pierce any part of my nether regions. 3) When I was five: I had this thick, wavy blondish/reddish-brown hair that came down to my waist -- until Mother had it hacked off into a really bad bi-level shag. 4) High School was: the last time I ever weighed less than 120 pounds. 5) I will never forget: the joy I felt after seeing a picture of my brother and sister for the first time. 6) I once met: a wee Spike Lee, at a talk he was giving at Butler U. Did I mention he's, like, this big? 7) There’s this girl I know who: fucked a gear shift. 8 ) Once, at a bar: I was sitting there minding my own business and talking to this dude whose drunk, crazy ol' lady didn't take to kindly to that. But as she was fixin' to kick my ass, the bartender -- an old and dear friend -- kicked her ass out of the bar. And I didn't find out about any of it until after it all went down. 9) By noon I’m usually: on my first can of Pepsi of the day. 10) Last night: I slept on the couch, and now I'm convinced I have a blood clot in my knee. Or a pulled muscle from sleeping on it funny. One of the two. 11) If I only had: not parked at the meter in front of my building when I worked downtown; then I wouldn't owe thousands of dollars in parking tickets. 12) Next time I go to church: wait, does hearing a priest talk in a mausoleum count as "church?" Because I did that today. Otherwise, I'll likely be covering an event at a church. 13) Terry Schiavo: still has a blog, and I think it's fucking hilarious (except for the anti-Semitic commenter), so whatchoo say about THAT!?!? 14) What worries me most: people's opinion of me (but I'm getting MUCH better at leaving the ol' Give a damn busted. Seriously.) 15) When I turn my head left, I see: the boys'guest bed and a picture thingy that needs pictures in it. 16) When I turn my head right, I see: four empty Pepsi cans sitting atop my printer. 17) You know I’m lying when: I say "It's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean." 18) What I miss most about the eighties: The jeans were much more flattering to my big ass. 19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: How about we change this to Chaucer? Then I can be the Wife of Bath. 20) By this time next year: I really hope I've lost some of this damn weight. 21) A better name for me would be: Sasha. Don't ask why. 22) I have a hard time understanding: why anyone would want to put a steel bar through their wee-wee or hoo-hoo. 23) If I ever go back to school I’ll: load up on Ritalin and shoot myself in the head. 24) You know I like you if: you're funny, intelligent and, if you're male, have big dick. 25) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: depends on what the award was for. 26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Mozart, definitely. 27) Take my advice, never: think you'll win a pissing contest with me, because if I get pissed off enough, I don't back down. Ever. 28) My ideal breakfast is: sausage patties and mashed potatoes with brown gravy at a Greek restaurant (aka the Breakfast of Champions). 29) A song I love, but do not have is: "Johnny Feelgood," by Liz Phair. 30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you wear something with a designer label on it, because it's pretty chi-chi. 31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: Wait ... what? 32) Why won’t people: not wear spandex when they shouldn't? 33) If you spend the night at my house: be prepared to become at one with the cat hair and my underwear in strange places, because there's buttloads of them everywhere. 34) I’d stop my wedding for: any possible reason I could think of to get out of it. 35) The world could do without: female circumsicion. 36) I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have my genitals mutilated in any way, shape or form. (Anyone detecting a theme yet?) 37) My favorite blonde is: Kaffy, bar none. 38 ) Paper clips are more useful than: barettes for keeping my bangs off my forehead when they're too long and driving me batshit, mostly because I'm more likely to run across a paper clip. 39) If I do anything well, it’s: write and give head, albeit not simultaneously. (I'm with Pants on this one.) 40) And by the way: I can play music by ear and write the music down afterward.
Oh, whatEVER.

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?