Somewhere between Bell's Palsy and death

Out of the mouths of babes

Wednesday, April 13, 2005
A room of one’s own, indeed
So, when Wad and I were solving the world's problems last night, we got on to the subject of needing lots of space in order to remain sane. Now, I've made it no secret that despite my charming and bubbly personality, I'm a rather solitary creature at heart; and Wad concurred that a lot of space does a body good. The thing is, we're both only children (yes, I know, but I was raised as one, and as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it's going to stay, boyo), so it got me to thinking: Does being raised as an only child make someone more apt to want to remain solitary? I mean, the one guy is an only child, too, and he's about as big a loner as we come. Then again, Dad was a solitary creature, and he had two sisters.

Any thoughts, y'all?
Posted by Broad12:13 AM
Friday, December 17, 2004
Have I mentioned how much I love her lately?
That's all I would've needed was to have had to file a incident report because some kid in my 7th period swallowed his tongue. -- Mer on teaching her freshmen the book Ordinary People.

Posted by Broad7:20 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Can you ever really have enough boob talk? Seriously
Funny that Snidge would mention the asymmetrical boob thing, because my girl Laura and I were just talking about that today as I was once again bitching about my bra situation.
Posted by Broad1:19 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Sunday, October 10, 2004
So say you’ll help me, Mama, ‘cuz it’s getting so hard
Why didn't I remember that Kim Cattrall was in the last Star Trek flick? And Christian Slater with that walk-on? Comedy gold. Now, when William Shatner says "Lock n' load" on Boston Legal, it'll be that much more priceless.

Stopped by Customs to visit Jill today, and of course there's at least 15 more things I want in there (the new Aromatique oils -- Pomegranate and Pear, and Cinnamon Cider -- are a good start). But she made an interesting observation: When we had our little pow-wow a couple weeks ago, she said that I give off "smother-me-Mother" waves, as in, I could use a good mothering myself. And I was like, huh, that's not the first time I've ever heard that. The first time? Was in 7th grade with my cooking teacher, who everyone adored. She said that when I interacted with her, it was like I was wanted her to be my mom. She wasn't being mean to me or anything, but I remember it made me cry.

So see, Mother and BFKAS, the trouble thou hath wrought on poor, fragile me!?!?! That'll learn ya, I'm sure.
Posted by Broad12:08 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
It’s a sickness, I tell you
E-mail between JB and me this morning re: his story about the Lake County cops finding a dude growing his own pot stash (my comment's first, natch):
When I sent it in the lede read "The volume of Cheetos going in and out of the Porter Street home should have been a tip-off," but I guess Diane thought that inapropriate. Imagine.

>> ---------- >> From: (Broad) >> Sent: Wednesday, October 6, 2004 9:39 AM >> To: JB >> Subject: You HAD to bring up the snacks, didn't you!?!?! >> >> "Members of the Lake County Drug Task Force stepped around scattered >> packages of snack cakes and bags of Cheetos on the floor of the bedroom >> ..." >> >> Fucking PRICELESS!

It's what we do, man.
Posted by Broad1:04 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, August 12, 2004
See? And y’all think I’m crazy
In my mail today:

Nice blog site and resume! I'm writing because of the toothpaste commercial you referenced. I'm trying to track down the truth regarding that toothpaste commercial you mentioned. I'm like 95% positive she says "pink in the stink." I've even closed my eyes and looked away in order to listen closely, and I'm convinced that the producers there are slipping something through for our comedic edification. Am interested if you've heard any more about it or have seen the commercial again. Take Care,
(Name withheld by request)
Huh!?! HUH!?!?! See!?!?! I'm not the only big perv in the universe.
Posted by Broad7:51 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Friday, August 06, 2004
“Do you do anal?”
Before I go any further, remember how I said I was glad that the unholiest of unholy unions didn't happen at my house? Um, yeah. Guess what? Adrian Zakula was naked. IN. MY. HOUSE. I get this phone call yesterday call from Mer that, while I was covering the fair, he stopped by after work, and they did it in the only room in the crib that I'VE NEVER DONE IT IN. Damn it. The cat is STILL traumatized.

Now, on with the show.
Posted by Broad9:27 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
A treatise on rank poverty, Mer stylee
In this episode, our heroine Mer talks about the Slovenian Gypsy village she spent time in. Now, she absolutely loved the time she spent in the Balkans and would go back in a heartbeat, but like anyone who's lived in the civilized world for even a month, the poverty in the village became entirely too oppressive. (Oh, and I realize this would be a lot funnier to y'all if y'all could see the expressions and gestures that go along with all this, but the dialogue itself is still pretty funny, imho.)
Posted by Broad7:16 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, August 02, 2004
You think!?!?
Words of wisdom from our friend Mer in the last three seconds, after watching the Nick Berg video:
Mer: You know, I don't think I'd want to be beheaded.

Posted by Broad8:13 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
More Brazilian Whore war stories
When I e-mailed the Brazilian Whores about ripping our stuff off, I cc'd Joelle on it. The following is what happens when you trust an online translator:
Posted by Broad12:55 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Monday, July 19, 2004
Why I love her so
Rebecca, Mer's crazy roommate, while the two watched Schindler's List a couple weeks ago: You know, I totally know what the Jews feel like, only I'd be the one that the Germans would put in the cattle cars, because I totally deserve it.
Mer, rolling her eyes: Yes, Rebecca, that's what you need -- the gas chamber. Now will you quit staring at me, for fuck's sake!?!?!

I suppose the good news out of that exchange is, Mer will be out here for a week starting Aug. 1 while Rebecca moves out. Anyone know where I can find a cheap, CHEAP flight from NYC to Chicago?
Posted by Broad10:53 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
It’s a contest, everyone!
As me and the boys were basking in our nap Sunday, we were awoken by my second oldest and very dearest friend calling from Scottsdale. So we chatted about some old business, and I asked him if he's been reading me here on the lovely Innernet. And he says that he checked me out once and thinks it's excellent, but since he's been mired in a new job, he's kinda had tunnel vision. However, he wants to join the fray. Yay! I said, but not before asking him permission to use his name if I decide to talk about him (SOP for everyone important enough to warrant more than a passing reference over here at Chez Broad). He said he didn't care. So then I asked if he would like a clever pseudonym instead, and he said, "All right, if you say so," so I said, "Pick one." But his spazzy, creative juices were spent at the gym, so he said for me to make one up and tell him what it is.

They never learn. Heh.

So, I'm deeming it YOUR job to come up with a clever pseudonym for my second oldest and very dearest friend. What you need to know? He's 33 and vaguely resembles Kevin Bacon, except with brown eyes. (His older bro looks EXACTLY like Kevin Bacon, only with less of a Frankenstein-y forehead. Woo!) Oh, and he's gay, so gay references are cool as long as they're not derogatory (meaning, if you're anti-gay and wanting an opportunity to be a smacked ass, we don't want your kind here, so go to hell and fuck you.)

Winner's booty TBD. Name away, y'all.

[UPDATE: Well, the contest is now null and void, because my friend has decided he wants to be "White Mamba," which is an inside joke that, unless you've hung around us for any length of time, you won't get, and it also probably wouldn't be as funny. (Kaffy miiiiight remember vaguely, but if not, that's cool. She'd just roll her eyes at us, anyway, because we're like that.) As for the parting gifts, I'll ponder that tonight.]
Posted by Broad12:28 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog!
(said as a chant, like in "Requiem for a Dream" during the ass-to-ass scene where all those dudes were yelling, "Cum!")

Ok, so I think my pal Kaffy needs to get herself a blog. She and I were talking about this last night. I mean, for Chrissakes, she's freakin' MENSA-geek smart, she's lost 66 pounds (and counting!) off WW over the past year, she's a cancer survivor (thyroid, if you must know -- she's got this wicked scar on her neck that we spent many an hour thinking up creative comebacks for the smacked asses who ask her "What happened to your neck?"), AND she gives her cat wood. That's blogging GOLD right there. But she's not listening to me. So, it's up to y'all to start putting the heat on Ms. Kaffy to get thee to a blog template and start SHARING.

Speaking of sharing, the big article will be posted before I leave for an assignment later. I couldn't write it exactly the way I wanted to, but it's STILL big. I'm pretty psyched about it.

With that, I leave you with reason #15 on why Kaffy needs to blog: Her poetry!
Posted by Broad3:24 AM • (0) Trackbacks
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Gyros, though tasty, might be out of the question, too
Now I'm thinking if your search for the perfect woman includes donkey punching and anal sex, you're going to want to know about her diet. Namely, is she big into curry?

-- My little friend Kate on one of her fiance's idiot friends, June 17, 2004
Posted by Broad12:25 PM • (0) Trackbacks
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
A “Kill Bill v. 2” review beyond compare
That JB's awfully clever ...
In re: Kill Bill, when I go to see kung fu, I want like a ton of kung fu, and Vol. 2 did not have nearly as much as Vol. 1. Having said that, it was nonetheless extremely compelling, a touching tale about a world-class assassin slaying her foes and putting to rest her past before creating for herself a new, peaceful future.

But the question remains, can a woman born and trained to kill turn over a new leaf and become all domestic and shit?

He so cracks me up.
Posted by Broad5:10 PM • (0) Trackbacks
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It is the job of a good person to be honest. To be self-aware. To deliberately explore the fault lines of your character and try desperately to not inflict suffering in this strange, ghost-ridden world of worked and fabricated objects. Sometimes the jobs of writer and good person coincide. But more often they don’t. There are way more writers in the world than there are good people.

100 things
Info meme #1
Typelogic says I'm an INFP.
Check my weekly astrological groove here.

Give it to me, baby.

Pssst ... My birthday's Feb. 3, and I want this, and this, and this ...

The Make-Believe Oral Cancer Foundation (M-BOCF) is now accepting donations on my behalf. Won't you please help those of us who jump to hideous conclusions regarding our oral health and help me get a root canal or two!??:

Save the Net Now

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Broad said: Like I said, my feelings are complicated on the matter, so ... I’m interested, however, in Her Highness’ thoughts on… ...[go].

Caterina said: ARGH!!! Not to deny you your goddess-given right of reflections and wishing what might-have-beens, but this guy was straight up… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, guess who was most nasty about the charitable giving?  The frigging church.  My church and my mom’s… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: By the by, I’m not the only one I know.  I have friends who work at soup kitchens because they’re… ...[go].

Wholovesya? said: As you know, I was a voyeur to the beginning of this, and I was loving your comment!  I have… ...[go].

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Tagline by Ben F'in Mollin, talking about those times you wake up still drunk from the night before.


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